Should I be upset or was I thoughtless?

[HelloDenise]

Last night went out with a few women from my hobby group for dinner as one of them (she's 66) was finishing at her job that day and at the end of September she's going to university to do a postgraduate course. We all knew about that.

I gave her a Happy Retirement card and it went down like poo in a punchbowl. She was very awkward and said "you know I'm not retiring and you've known for months I've left to do a course and will continue working after that"

I hate myself, she doesn't present as an old woman and it'd be difficult to guess her age if you don't already know, but she's sensitive about being pigeonholed because of her age. So I took it back and said I'd give it to her when she got her bus pass and then someone else piped up "Just because Becky gets a bus pass doesn't mean she's retired".

Am I ageist and horrible? I feel I ruined the night. She was over friendly with me for the rest of the night like she didn't want me to feel upset about what I did.

I think it was a bit of a faux pas (surely “good luck” or “you’re leaving” would have been better)? Would you have given a retirement card to a 28 yr old retraining? But just maybe send her a message and move on, sounds like she knew you weren’t doing it deliberately anyway so she’ll forgive you, if you’re otherwise a decent person.

I appreciate you meant well but it really was a bit of a faux pas to assume she was retiring. I’d be upset too if I received that card in the same circumstances.

She is retirement age and it was her last working day, but a good luck card would probably have been more thoughtful. I'd think no more of it.

It was an honest mistake, forget about it.

Why upset? It’s hardly a big insult is it? She’s 66!

I think a retirement card was an odd choice and like pp would have picked a “Good Luck” or even a “Off to uni” card.

It’s done now so just forget about it. 💐

I'm not sure why you gave her a retirement card, to be honest?! She wasn't retiring, she's merely leaving her job to study for a postgraduate degree. A 'leaving' card would have been far more appropriate. You weren't being deliberately mean, but you certainly didn't think it through. Send her an apology and move on.

I'm puzzled by her response as that's something I'd get someone in their sixties who was leaving their job to do something they loved rather than had to do :/

It really depends if she is technically 'retiring' from her job - i.e. taking a pension. It's irrelevant whether she's retraining, getting another job etc.

I have several friends who have retired from my workplace and gone on to take low-stress, part time jobs elsewhere, and they still describe themselves as 'retired' - 'retired' doesn't have to mean sitting round the house watching daytime telly and baking cakes, it's just one process of leaving your workplace.

I think this is her issue, not yours, to be honest and the fact she tried to make up for it by being over-friendly means she probably realised she had overreacted.

Because leaving the job was to study, not to retire! Much like going on to a different job. An assumption was made that it must have been retirement due to age when it had been clear that wasn’t the purpose of the resignation.

It was a bit of a fluff from you but it seems as if she’s not too bothered by it. She hasn’t retired, she’s left her job to study and from what she said, she intends to work afterwards.
A good luck card would have been better but I wouldn’t overthink it if I were you.
At most, I’d send a quick message to say sorry if you offended her and then move on.

So what, though? What’s so inherently offensive about being accused of retiring??

To be honest if someone leaves their career at 66 to go off and do something else, I think it is retirement. Loads of people my parents’ age have left their jobs and then gone on and done some consultancy work or whatever. They still referred to it as retirement.

Its an oops my mistake
Then move on.
Its always more socially acceptable to offer congrats /good luck on the new Whatever than focuse on the past.
Eg happy birthday hope you have a great year ...

I think they were all a bit dick-ish about it tbh. You made a nice gesture and she’s not technically retiring, but what’s the big deal? She’s moving on and you were wishing her well. I’m very sensitive to ageist comments but you did nothing wrong imo.

I think she’s over-sensitive tbh; I don’t know why she’s got her knickers in a twist about retiring anyway. I don’t see her issue at all.

She sounds really prickly. I get she might be feeling sensitive, but the card was obviously well intentioned (unless it had an age joke on it or something) so I'd personally say nothing and shred or set fire to it at home if I were so offended.

She was being unreasonable (and ridiculous) not you.

You meant well and she should have just quietly accepted it, whether she liked it or not.

She did say "well thank you it's the thought that counts"

And it's still not an insult. It's an error.

Why would anyone think being mistakenly told you're retiring is insulting?

I think the problem is her self-image. She IS essentially retiring, but that’s not how she sees it for whatever reason.

I think saying you are unreasonable seems a bit harsh as it was clearly meant well and just very thoughtless. I also don’t think she should have just accepted it to keep the peace as a PP said. Hopefully it’s the kind of thing that you will both laugh about before too long, despite how bad you feel about it now.

She is retiring from her job. she will be a student and be able to enjoy discounts and join the NUS but she was being over sensitive. Probably because she doesn’t like to be thought of as older, she is older. I’m hitting 60 next year and for sure that does feel older.

You obviously meant well and I don’t think any serious harm was done so I wouldnt give it too much thought.

Retirement can be a bit triggering to some people. I personally hate the thought of retirement, I never want to stop working and being useful and it would make me feel old, past it and useless so I might bristle a bit too if I got a happy retirement card.

But she clearly had a word with herself and understood that you hadn’t intended to hurt so I wouldnt worry too much.

It was insensitive and thoughtless rather than a deliberate insult.

She said she had been clear that she was leaving to follow a uni course with the intention of returning to work afterwards.

Had she actually been as clear as she thought? Only you know that. We don't. If she had been clear, and you went ahead and bought the card anyway then yes, you were on a sticky wicket there. It was perhaps intended as a joke, but it didn't land well and that was the risk you took. If so you do owe her an apology.

Many people are very sensitive about age related issues. Some might see retiring as being written off because of it so you should have been more careful.

A simple Good Luck or Best Wishes card would have been a much better and safer choice.

About 20 years ago, the company I then worked for had you ending employment on your 60th birthday.
I know quite a few people who retired before 66 yoa.