Should I be upset or was I thoughtless?

[HelloDenise]

Last night went out with a few women from my hobby group for dinner as one of them (she's 66) was finishing at her job that day and at the end of September she's going to university to do a postgraduate course. We all knew about that.

I gave her a Happy Retirement card and it went down like poo in a punchbowl. She was very awkward and said "you know I'm not retiring and you've known for months I've left to do a course and will continue working after that"

I hate myself, she doesn't present as an old woman and it'd be difficult to guess her age if you don't already know, but she's sensitive about being pigeonholed because of her age. So I took it back and said I'd give it to her when she got her bus pass and then someone else piped up "Just because Becky gets a bus pass doesn't mean she's retired".

Am I ageist and horrible? I feel I ruined the night. She was over friendly with me for the rest of the night like she didn't want me to feel upset about what I did.

I don't think you are horrible or ageist. For a start, you wouldn't post if you weren't upset at the idea that it had hurt your friend.

It seems like it was well intentioned and you missed the mark but also that whilst your friend felt the initial sting, she realised it wasn't intended in a harmful way.

I am the type to totally overthink everything so I know this would plague me for quite a while but hopefully you can feel reassured that it doesn't make you a horrid person.

Hello, I'm sure she can afford to retire but she doesn't want to, she also runs a business. I thought leaving work at the age she is was technically retirement now I've been educated about it.

I think given that it was her friends intention to retrain and return to work for the OP to give her a retirement card was invalidating at best and extremely rude at worst. It isn’t like the OP is unaware of her plans.

OP this has raised such an interesting and useful discussion. I think it made you realise that just because she’s 66 she doesn’t want to or plan to retire although some people happily retire when they are ten years younger than her. I guess it’s about all of our assumptions about our older years. I wouldn’t be shamefaced about it - I’d send her a nice message saying sorry about the clanger and wish her all the luck for her next steps. Sounds like she didn’t want this to come between you if she was being super nice to you the rest of the evening. As someone who is a bit older this post has inspired me to consider getting a new job / role despite being in my 60s so thanks for your honesty.

I’m 67 and have no intention of retiring before I’m 70. I’m at the top of my game in my career, and I’m fitter and stronger than most of the undergrads I teach, let alone my colleagues.

My line manager has mentioned “moving towards retirement “ several times. If she does it again, I will tell her I’m filing a formal grievance. Age is a protected characteristic under the Equality Act.

You were thoughtless and rude, as well as ageist @HelloDenise

Please don’t hate yourself OP! You’re not ageist or horrible. You meant well, and I think she might have been kinder not to say anything, or at least say something in a more light hearted way. Sounds like she realised, and didn’t want you to have been hurt. We all make faux pas

Before this comment, I was on the fence but leaning towards her being “prickly” as someone put it - but this passive aggressive response from her has shoved me firmly onto your side of the fence! The card may have been a little inappropriate but she didn’t have to take it so personally or seriously. In her shoes I’d have had a laugh about it.

but you said she had already made clear to you she wasn't retiring
then you heard other people at your hobby group wishing her happy retirement and she corrected them
Yet you still decided to give her the card?

then she told you again that she wasn't retiring and you made the bus pass joke, to the point where someone else had to repeat yet again to you that she wasn't retiring!!!

There's being a bit oblivious and then taking it to the next level.

Can't believe how many people are telling OP her friend should be 'grateful' for her 'making the effort.'

Firstly, it's a card. OP probably spent less than 2 quid on it and grabbed it during her weekly shop. It's not that much of an effort. She isn't donating a kidney. Hardly requiring a huge outpouring of gratitude.

Secondly, OP didn't make an effort. Making an effort would have been getting a card that was actually relevant rather than something which upset her. The friend would clearly have preferred no card at all than something that said 'I can't be bothered to listen to anything you say and btw you are ancient and unemployable.'

Older women are allowed to have a tiny bit of self worth, and not just be grateful that anyone deigns to notice them at all, let alone spare them a kind word. They are still people.

OP's friend could have a third (or more) of her life left to live, yet according to people on here she's approaching the grave, is of no use or ornament to society anymore, wanting to develop herself is pointless and the concept of anyone wanting to employ her is laughable.

Good luck would have been more appropriate.

It’s not as bad as it feels right now- it’ll be a funny story one day.