Should I be upset or was I thoughtless?

[HelloDenise]

Last night went out with a few women from my hobby group for dinner as one of them (she's 66) was finishing at her job that day and at the end of September she's going to university to do a postgraduate course. We all knew about that.

I gave her a Happy Retirement card and it went down like poo in a punchbowl. She was very awkward and said "you know I'm not retiring and you've known for months I've left to do a course and will continue working after that"

I hate myself, she doesn't present as an old woman and it'd be difficult to guess her age if you don't already know, but she's sensitive about being pigeonholed because of her age. So I took it back and said I'd give it to her when she got her bus pass and then someone else piped up "Just because Becky gets a bus pass doesn't mean she's retired".

Am I ageist and horrible? I feel I ruined the night. She was over friendly with me for the rest of the night like she didn't want me to feel upset about what I did.

I think she massively over reacted. She's 66 and is offended at a retirement card. Honestly, I think her reaction was petty and unnecessary.

Agree and actually have seen this a lot at work - people are not ‘retiring’ they may do some consultancy etc etc - didn’t realise prior it was a touchy subject but it is and I guess it may just be a reminder of our finite time here. You didn’t do anything terrible just chalk it up to experience

Is this a reverse then? If she’s specifically said she’s not retiring, and you even said in your OP she left her job, then you obviously know she wasn’t retiring and a retirement card was inappropriate.

She’s been ridiculous. You tried to do a nice thing. X

66 is not old woman territory.

God there’s some ageism on this thread.

If a woman in her 30s retrained/ did a PHD with the firm intention of going back to work afterwards, would anyone buy her a retirement card? No they would not. This woman had made it clear she was studying and then going back to work. She’s not retiring in any way, shape or form. It’s not touchy to be a bit pissed off.

It’s like buying someone in their 30s a “congratulations on your pregnancy” card because they have a partner, have put on a bit of weight and, well lots of women in their 30s have babies…

It’s just reinforcing a lazy stereotype they all women over 60 are no use in the labour market and should be grateful to retire and spend the day watching TV and visiting garden centres. Whereas in fact lots of women over 60 either do amazing things in their careers or retrain. And most of us will still be working at that age, the way the economy is going…

(OP not trying to make you feel worse, as you do sound sorry, but just trying to explain why she might have been a bit miffed. Plus the reference to a restructure makes me think she may have been made redundant or edged out as well which probably made it worse for her).

I would say yes to both the questions in your title. Yes, you were thoughtless, yes having it pointed out is bound to upset you.

I would just try to move on from it now. Apologise if you haven't already. You're clearly not some unpleasant dickhead crashing through life upsetting people deliberately. You fucked up. We all do that sometimes. The fact she went out of her way to be nice to you after shows she values you and realises it was a mistake rather than malice.

I think the card was a mistake and you were silly to give it. But then saying i will give it to you when you get a bus pass instead of apologising is just mean.

YABU but i call reverse on this

You did a kind gesture.
As they say: no good deed goes unpunished".
It seems she'd retired from her job to study.
Sadly you are in a group with some nutters who at most should simply have thanked you and moved on.

You put your foot in it but it was a genuine mistake and you were trying to do something nice. I would just let it go and chalk it up to experience - and never buy anyone a retirement card unless they specifically use the word retirement themselves!

I would not want anything to do with her again, or anyone who supported her. How dare she be sensitive - it was obviously meant as a nice gesture, whether or not the wording of 'retirement' was erroneous, and her behaviour totally killed an otherwise nice atmosphere. And I would make sure they know that.

Of course it's not a reverse.

You sound a total delight.

Well, I'm 58, so I would be bemused more than anything...

If I was insulted, it would be because I know that gaining weight is a terrible crime for a woman that it is deemed rude to draw attention to.

Retirement isn't. You are making the assumption that retiring is deemed to be worthy of insult. I disagree.

I get she must have been surprised to get a retirement card if she’s told you all she is returning to work after the course, but it was clearly just a faux pas on your part. She obviously realised that was the case from your reaction, hence being extra nice after. She probably wishes she hadn’t made such an obvious fuss, as much as you wish you’d got a different card. Just message and say you don’t know what you were thinking - I’m sure you will laugh about this in years to come @HelloDenise

I retired mid50s - lucky me
I was thrilled
Never been busier since ...

‘Of course’ - so why give her a retirement card when you knew she was NOT retiring and had previously corrected people?

This is exactly why you can't extrapolate how you, I, or anybody else would feel about the same comment. Circumstances and perspectives differ.

Are you serious? The woman wasn’t retiring. She was going to undertake some further study, possibly after being made redundant, and then going back to work. The OP acknowledges she was always clear about this.

Would you be happy if a friend bought you a “welcome to your new home” card on your birthday? And then made it worse with a tactless comment like “oh yes, I forgot you rent, maybe by next birthday you’ll have bought a house, I’ll give it back then…”

So passive aggressive then? Jeez what an insufferable arsehole. She might be retirement age but she clearly hasn’t grown up. Don’t give it a moment’s thought op. You did a nice thing. She’s the one with issues.

It’s just reinforcing a lazy stereotype they all women over 60 are no use in the labour market and should be grateful to retire and spend the day watching TV and visiting garden centres. Whereas in fact lots of women over 60 either do amazing things in their careers or retrain. And most of us will still be working at that age, the way the economy is going

I think it was a bit of subconscious stereotyping from the OP, yes, and I think this is exactly the nerve the OP touched with this woman. I certainly don’t think it was deliberate or malicious but there was a bit of a lack of thought and empathy.

People on this thread saying she was “dickish” are being a bit obtuse. Older women face so much prejudice at work and in society: can you seriously not put yourself in the position of someone who is embarking on a new career and momentarily feels she is being put into a “knackered old woman” box by someone she considered a friend?

I'm amazed that some people can't see why the woman was upset. She, by the op's own admission, had made it perfectly clear that she was leaving her job due to a restructure (often an unpleasant thing to go through as an employee, it usually means you've lost your job) and retraining to find another one. Op KNEW this but allowed the fact that this lady was 66 to override that fact and buy her a retirement card. When the woman pointed out the error she compounded it by talking about bus passes.

It really was a foot in mouth and then keep digging scenario. I sympathise with the poor op who clearly feels like crap about it today but the woman on the receiving end did nothing wrong by pointing out she wasn't actually retiring. Imagine if she hadn't? Every time she saw the op they'd be having an awkward conversation where the op asks her 'how is retirement going?'. I'd rather be told I've messed up as soon as possible than that!

Why did you give her a retirement card then 😂

Why have you decided she’s a passive aggressive arsehole? Totally bizarre! The friend made it very clear she wasn’t retiring, and OP got her a retirement card anyway based on her age, despite knowing the friend had corrected others that she wasn’t retiring.

That’s what I can’t work out, OP clearly knew she wasn’t retiring yet still purchased a retirement card!