Should I be upset or was I thoughtless?

[HelloDenise]

Last night went out with a few women from my hobby group for dinner as one of them (she's 66) was finishing at her job that day and at the end of September she's going to university to do a postgraduate course. We all knew about that.

I gave her a Happy Retirement card and it went down like poo in a punchbowl. She was very awkward and said "you know I'm not retiring and you've known for months I've left to do a course and will continue working after that"

I hate myself, she doesn't present as an old woman and it'd be difficult to guess her age if you don't already know, but she's sensitive about being pigeonholed because of her age. So I took it back and said I'd give it to her when she got her bus pass and then someone else piped up "Just because Becky gets a bus pass doesn't mean she's retired".

Am I ageist and horrible? I feel I ruined the night. She was over friendly with me for the rest of the night like she didn't want me to feel upset about what I did.

This is a really fucked up way to manage relationships with people.

Some of you could learn a lot from the op and her hobby friend. Op said something that upset her. Friend raised it. Op has taken it on board. This is how normal relationships function, I promise you. Things like this really don't need to be friendship ending.

can you seriously not put yourself in the position of someone who is embarking on a new career and momentarily feels she is being put into a “knackered old woman” box by someone she considered a friend?

Exactly! Retraining and getting a new job is daunting at any age. As middle aged person it can be horrific, mainly because of the stereotyping you see on this thread. Having your friends assume that you’re retiring just makes it 100% worse. To her it will seem that you’ve not listened to her plans and/ or completely minimised them.

As well as being useless to the job market, women over 60 should apparently be grateful for any old tut in an envelope, however inappropriate.

The other woman should have had the maturity (however old she is) to know that OP would not have bought her a card and gone out with her to deliberately upset her. She had no right to take a sledgehammer to the otherwise nice vibe. A tinkly laugh and 'don't forget I'm not actually retiring just yet' would have done the trick perfectly.

God save us from the Mumsnet tinkly laugh. It really isn't the answer to everything (or indeed, anything) you know!!

No she shouldn’t. Sounds like the way she reacted was very low level and she then went out of her way to be friendly to the OP, I assume to reassure the OP that she didn’t bear a grudge. But firmly pointing out something really quite insensitive is perfectly appropriate in the circumstances. No simpering tinkly laugh required.

What makes you think she’s 66?!

Don't hate yourself, we all slip up socially sometimes. She could have just said "thanks for the card, although I don't consider myself retired," and moved on from it rather than making a fuss and letting you take the card back. Your other friend wasn't being particularly helpful in taking your quip about bus passes seriously when you were just trying to lighten the mood. Sounds like everyone's a bit tetchy in your group at the moment. I'd think no more of it and hope they're in a better mood next time you see them.

Well it says in the OP the friend is 66

So what made you buy a retirement card then?

You meant well but got it wrong, it sounds like she wasn’t so much offended as confused about why you had basically given her the wrong card. She was nice to you on the evening so sounds like there are no hard feelings. Just send her a message saying sorry about the card and explain your thought process e.g. that she is “retiring” from that particular career (or whatever she’s doing) but you know she’s not completely retiring and in hindsight you should’ve bought a good luck card

Bit of a faux pas but if I'd been the friend (I'm 68) I would've graciously accepted the card and not said anything.

According to a lot of threads, isn’t it apparently gen z who are ‘too sensitive’ and ‘offended by everything’.

She sounds really sensitive about it but that’s her issue not yours.
You haven’t done it deliberately and it was an honest mistake.
Wouldn’t give it a second thought.

66 isn’t middle aged though is it? I am 45 and middle aged

She more or less did say that, then the OP went in for the kill, to make it about age and mentioned her bus pass.
The OP should have said she was a MIL and got her DIL a retirement card, instead of a 'having a baby card', because sixty years ago many women were sacked or had to leave their job for a while, when they had a baby and we'd see what a easy mistake that is.
The woman could have fifteen years if effective working life left. Fighting against ageism is going to come to every poster on here. The whole 'karen' thing hasn't took root by accident.

If you had heard her say more than once, I’m not retiring, why did you get that card?

@Livpool , middle age is commonly used to denote the age range from 45 to 70 years.

She has a bit of a chip on her shoulder about her age but she clearly recognised she overreacted and realised you meant well. Draw a line under it and forget about it.

Well, would you find it a bit offensive if somebody gave you a 'happy 40th' card when you were only 36? That doesn't mean being 40 is 'inherently offensive' but if you AREN'T 40 then it's weird, and I would imagine most people would be upset if then told 'well it's close enough' 'you're in that age bracket' 'most people in your position/with kids the ages yours are ARE in their 40s' 'you will be 40 SOON anyway,' etc., which are basically the rationales people are giving on here - she could be retiring, she is the age other people retire, etc.

It's not accurate - ignore the postgrad studies part, OP was specifically aware that after completing them her friend would be continuing to work. Essentially she is just leaving for another job. I did exactly the same when I was 25 - left my job to do a masters. I would have found it really weird if I'd got a 'happy retirement' card!

It's ageist to assume just because she could retire she is, particularly when she's specifically told everyone she isn't! You don't get to decide how someone else classes themself, just because "you think" it's retirement.

'retired' doesn't have to mean sitting round the house watching daytime telly and baking cakes

Oh, doesn’t it?
< disappointed >

I swear I'm reading a different thread to posters like this and others who are accusing the friend of being 'a dick' 'ridiculous' 'over reacting' etc. (except I'm reading OP's actual words and they're replying to whatever alternative scenario they've made up in their head).

She didn't storm off, burst into tears, refuse to speak to OP, or even raise her voice. She made ONE comment politely pointing out that OP had ignored everything she'd repeatedly told her about her future plans, but said thank you anyway and was notably kind to her the rest of the night (because OP was clearly showing she was upset, i.e. if anything was the one who was overreacting!), even after OP doubled down on the ageism with the 'bus pass' comment - it was a different friend who replied to that.

Doubling down with the bus pass comment as a little passe.

Well she has retired from that job. She's too sensitive for her own good.

I retired early to spend time doing more study and I got several Happy Retirement cards. I took them in the spirit they were sent, i.e. people wishing me well, despite knowing I would probably go back to work sometime.
It's like your friends think it's insulting to say someone has retired. It was out of order for the other person to pipe up and try to make you feel worse when you mentioned the bus pass. I can't believe the things people get offended by!

Retiring ISN'T THE SAME as leaving a job and it's deliberately obtuse to pretend it is. How old are you? When you last changed jobs would you have found it completely normal to get a 'happy retirement' card despite being 30/40? 🙄