Should I be upset or was I thoughtless?

[HelloDenise]

Last night went out with a few women from my hobby group for dinner as one of them (she's 66) was finishing at her job that day and at the end of September she's going to university to do a postgraduate course. We all knew about that.

I gave her a Happy Retirement card and it went down like poo in a punchbowl. She was very awkward and said "you know I'm not retiring and you've known for months I've left to do a course and will continue working after that"

I hate myself, she doesn't present as an old woman and it'd be difficult to guess her age if you don't already know, but she's sensitive about being pigeonholed because of her age. So I took it back and said I'd give it to her when she got her bus pass and then someone else piped up "Just because Becky gets a bus pass doesn't mean she's retired".

Am I ageist and horrible? I feel I ruined the night. She was over friendly with me for the rest of the night like she didn't want me to feel upset about what I did.

I can’t stand over sensitive types that like to over analyse every little comment or gesture.

She was a dick for not just accepting the card graciously and I wouldn’t bother losing any headspace over it.

Fuck them!

The silly woman was 66!

She’s hardly going to be starting a new career after a PG course at her age. Who will employ her for starters?

😂😂

lol at 70 being middle aged. It’s only middle aged if you’re living to 140

@Dundonia , middle aged doesn't mean half way through your life. It's the middle bit when you are not young but not old.
Surely you can understand that?

I can understand that 70 year olds describing themselves as middle aged are kidding themselves on

I guess it would be a bit like saying ‘enjoy your holiday!’ To someone going on maternity leave?

I think that your friend is being a bit unreasonable and overly sensitive. Maybe she planned to stay in her current workplace past state retirement age and is annoyed to be shunted out due to reorganisation. She obviously feels she is not ready to retire.

Truth is it is much easier and may be financially beneficial for professionals in desk jobs to take pension and return as freelance. Some people who are financially secure may choose to spend money doing a postgrad in a subject they love. There are very few people of her age who do a postgrad to improve work prospects past normal retirement age. If you have the skills to work as a consultant you don’t need extra qualifications, it’s the current work experience at a senior level that counts. She will be out of the workforce and trying to return with enhanced qualifications past her normal state retirement age. This may not be realistic. Or is she doing a postgrad in a subject she wants to study for pleasure but will be returning to work after that for financial reasons and is happy to take whatever she can get?

Age discrimination for older workers is real. But I’m not even sure it’s classed as discrimination if an employer chooses not to employ someone past state retirement age?

It's a standard definition @Dundonia . You can laugh as much as you like.

I could laugh at middle England not meaning the physical middle of England, or I could look for the actual meaning. Look it up instead of showing your ignorance.

@ChopsyHatesFungus

She’s hardly going to be starting a new career after a PG course at her age. Who will employ her for starters?

Why?

Do you think everyone over the age of 65 should shuffle off into a semi comatose life in front of the TV?

Some people are more open minded than you, thankfully.

Stupid, ageist, unpleasant response. I employed a woman as a business development manager when she was 65, during covid, she turned 66 later that year. She was brilliant at it and left at the age of almost 69 for a promotion into a public engagement role that she is still doing extremely well at. Later this year she will be 71 and has no plans to retire. You should be ashamed of yourself writing such a nasty post.

Nasty or realistic?

I’m in my 60’s and very well aware of the lack of employment opportunities for women my age, thank you very much.

Anyone changing career at that point is either extremely well connected or extremely lucky. It’s very far from the norm for the vast majority of older women.

Yes, I have a degree and a PG from Oxbridge but no magic family connections. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Leaving or retirement are 2 different things
Do you really hate yourself OP or are are just a bit embarrassed

Good grief! Isn’t that exactly what she is doing? And, prey tell, at what age does anyone become completely unemployable?

You do realise that Ursula von Der Lyon is 66, Yvette Cooper (Home Sec) is 56 and looks to be going strong, Angela Merkel is now 71 and was German chancellor until 4 years ago. Lady Arden (former judge) was a Justice of the Supreme Court well into her 70s and there are 1000s of people, well into their 60s who are leading figures in law, medicine, business etc. Your attitude stinks.

Charles became monarch sat the age of 73. Donald T rump is 79.

But she is retiring age. You can still do qualifications and not intend to find a job in that field just to keep your brain working.
I don't think op deliberately did anything wrong and recipient was gracious about it so best just to get over it all round.
I'm 67 so the last job I left i actually was retiring.

All of those people have been working in their careers for a long time, except yvette Cooper and she's not old enough to use in your examples.
The point is once the lady has qualified she will be too old to start a new career.

The OP says she was leaving to do a course then continuing to work. We don’t know it’s in a completely new field- she could just be carrying on in her existing field (or a very closely related one) but with an additional qualification/ new employer. Ironically she might be even more employable after the course.

But this lady had specifically said she intended to go back to work?

Oops, oh, yes.

How do you know? Maybe she’s training to be a counsellor, garden designer, bookkeeper? Anything really, especially if you’re self-employed.

You made an error. She calmly pointed it out and then was nice to you to show no hard feelings.
I think pp with the "happy holiday card for mat leave" sums up the nature of the error well.

This group of ladies sounds a bit snarky

ageist, sexist, classist, AND unimaginative, bingo!

Who says she's going to be employed in a new career? Perhaps she's going back to the same sector. Perhaps she plans on starting her own business. Perhaps she doesn't plan on having a "career" but still intends on /needs to work. Even if she does a degree then moves to working a few days a week on the tills in Aldi she ISN'T RETIRED.

The main thing is that the "silly woman" gets to decide herself whether she's retiring or not, not OP, and not you, a random and rather unpleasant, internet stranger.

would you give someone in their 30s moving to a new job a 'congratulations on your baby' card just because they are 'maternity leave' age?

this woman isn't doing qualifications 'just to keep her brain working' she DOES INTEND on working after said qualifications and had made this clear to OP, who made it clear to anyone who bothered to properly read her post.

I'm sorry but I think the bus pass comment was putting the boot in.