Should I be upset or was I thoughtless?

[HelloDenise]

Last night went out with a few women from my hobby group for dinner as one of them (she's 66) was finishing at her job that day and at the end of September she's going to university to do a postgraduate course. We all knew about that.

I gave her a Happy Retirement card and it went down like poo in a punchbowl. She was very awkward and said "you know I'm not retiring and you've known for months I've left to do a course and will continue working after that"

I hate myself, she doesn't present as an old woman and it'd be difficult to guess her age if you don't already know, but she's sensitive about being pigeonholed because of her age. So I took it back and said I'd give it to her when she got her bus pass and then someone else piped up "Just because Becky gets a bus pass doesn't mean she's retired".

Am I ageist and horrible? I feel I ruined the night. She was over friendly with me for the rest of the night like she didn't want me to feel upset about what I did.

Because it's obviously important enough to the woman to have made it clear previously that she ISN'T retiring but pursuing further study!

It’s always tricky and can be exhausting navigating around touchy people. In effect she ‘had’ retired from her job, so try not to give it too much thought.

It's inherently offensive, when according to the OP, the recipient responded, "you know I'm not retiring and you've known for months I've left to do a course and will continue working after that".

So to buy a retirement card, given the recipient's stance, was either a joke that backfired (as others have suggested) or simply thoughtless.

Off to Uni card would be patronising surely, depending on personalities? A good luck card would have been a better choice but I don't think what you did was that bad. To me retiring means retiring from a job, not retiring from life, and I'm sure that was how you meant it. I know lots of retired (as in not in paid employment and drawing pensions) people who live extremely full lives, some including postgrad study, and many do refer to themselves as retired.

Fair enough her pulling you up and it doesn't sound like she's holding it against you, but the person who quibbled about the bus pass comment was a bit of an arse in my opinion. You tried to make a joke in an awkward situation and she had to correct you on that too. Happy to have free bus passes, which many people would massively benefit from but aren't entitled to, and then getting the arse because someone used the word retired. It's hardly a massive insult - it's not like you have her a 'Congratulations on becoming an OAP' card.

@MasterBeth

Why would anyone think being mistakenly told you're retiring is insulting?

Because a lot of people hate the thought of retirement and its associations.

I don't think you did anything wrong. The person has an issue with the term retirement which is her problem. I'd be interested to know if she is has actually retired. Unless she has other streams of income it would be very difficult for someone to return to study and manage living costs without actually drawing their pension, which is essentially retiring.

She did and that's why I'm upset with myself. Two other women mentioned the R word on earlier occasions at our floristry group and she said I'm not retiring I'm leaving my job because of restructures and going to study.

This does raise a debate about assumptions about what people do at different life stages.

She sounds hyper-sensitive about it, which is her issue not yours and maybe she realised that hence being nice to you later on. To be honest, the main issue with retirement going forward will be huge swathes of people not affording to do it at all, which in fact is already happening now. Doesn't stop her feeling how she feels but really she sounds like she's lucky to have the options she does.

I agree. You didn’t mean to insult her, so I wouldn’t have taken it as an insult. Sounds as if she realised this and regretted snapping at you. So, no harm done.

If you made it very clear you were going on holiday to Italy and I mistakenly wished you a happy holiday in Portugal, would you feel insulted?

Some people are "in the business of being offended" by the slightest faux pas. I would just forget about it.

I "retired" from employed work at 60 then went on to become self employed. Im still SE at 81!

You made a mistake to which she responded very graciously by the sounds of it. Id probably send a quick 'Sorry again for my card blunder, I appreciated how gracious you were about it. I know you'll do brilliantly on your course and beyond'

I do think it was strange th as t you took back the card and carried on digging a hole with the bus pass comment!

If you made it clear you'd been eating lots recently, and I congratulated you on being pregnant, would you be insulted?

Let's not forget being offended about others being offended!

Well in that case I think it was pretty rude to ignore previous comments and still get a retirement card. Sounds like it might not have been entirely her choice to leave her job.

This.

If you made it very clear you were going on holiday to Italy and I mistakenly wished you a happy holiday in Portugal, would you feel insulted?

Thats not a meaningful comparison though. Whether you are going to Spain or Portugal makes no difference to the way people perceive you.

A retired person carries certain connotations which this woman obviously doesn’t like and she’s gone out if her way to be clear she wants a new career. She doesn’t want to see herself as a retired person and has signalled that to her friends.

To be clear, I think she has been over sensitive about it, and its not a big deal but I think the OP failed to read the room a little bit.

I'm older than her and it seems she's being super sensitive. I wouldn't give it another thought.

I think some people love to jump to being offended

I started a new career at 66. Some people don’t really plan to retire. It was ageist and also rude as it was an occasion to celebrate hobby friend’s new opportunities (the course) and new vistas not to treat her like she is out to pasture.

But after every rupture a repair. Just work a little harder to not treat 66 year olds like dome strange life form.

I think the most balanced interpretation is that you made an honest mistake, and like the decent person you clearly are, feel bad. Plenty wouldn't! I can see why the lady would be a bit put out, but she quickly saw it wasn't meant horribly and tried to put you at ease for that very reason. It's Saturday (and despite the weather - if you're based in the UK!) I'd suggest giving yourself a break and enjoying the weekend. I'm sure she isn't worrying about it now.

In all honesty, retired these days carries connotations of being privileged. I'm thinking through all my family, friends and acquaintances and those who are retired are having a lovely time pursuing hobbies, study and voluntary work for causes they believe in. Others of a similar age are continuing to work in low paid jobs they'd rather not be doing.

Do you buy people Christmas cards for their birthday?

She wasn’t retiring. She was leaving to
pursue something different. I’d have laughed it
off if I were her but it’s still odd you chose that card rather than a ‘good luck’ or something card.