Should I be upset or was I thoughtless?

[HelloDenise]

Last night went out with a few women from my hobby group for dinner as one of them (she's 66) was finishing at her job that day and at the end of September she's going to university to do a postgraduate course. We all knew about that.

I gave her a Happy Retirement card and it went down like poo in a punchbowl. She was very awkward and said "you know I'm not retiring and you've known for months I've left to do a course and will continue working after that"

I hate myself, she doesn't present as an old woman and it'd be difficult to guess her age if you don't already know, but she's sensitive about being pigeonholed because of her age. So I took it back and said I'd give it to her when she got her bus pass and then someone else piped up "Just because Becky gets a bus pass doesn't mean she's retired".

Am I ageist and horrible? I feel I ruined the night. She was over friendly with me for the rest of the night like she didn't want me to feel upset about what I did.

She was leaving work and was of a retirement kind of age. Not a big deal, don’t beat yourself up.

Oh for goodness sake despite what everyone is saying you did absolutely nothing wrong - it was a lovely gesture and if she was a bit prickly about it then that's her problem. If course she was retiring and starting again in a new direction. She's 66 not 26 and you sound like a lovely person x

A generic ‘best wishes’ card would probably have been better, but I don’t see it as a big deal.

Except she clearly said she was not retiring!

You made a bit of an error / faux pas but what you did wasn’t that outrageous.

Her response and that of the person who chimed in sound utterly graceless and rude.

You didn’t do it on purpose, there’s not need for them to make such a song and dance.

this.
But people are 'allowed' to get offended over anything nowadays. It's pathetic.

So why did you get her a retirement card?

I can see why that was hurtful to her given she had made it so clear she planned to do a course and then return to work and wasn’t retiring.

You knowing that and choosing to give her a card that specifically said retirement may have felt like you were indicating (however unconsciously) a belief that she wouldn’t or couldn’t follow through on her stated plans and would just end up never going back to work. She’s probably gotten a fair amount of people doubting her either openly or through condescension and subtext so she’s likely to be sensitive to it.

It sounds like an apology was due, but her behavior after was to show you she accepted you didn’t mean it that way and you can both move on.

She didn’t, she told OP it was the thought that counts and was overly nice to her for the rest of the evening, so if anything it’s OP who is looking to be offended.

Yes I think you were being ageist. Women in older middle age are often overlooked or assumed to be incapable And then you persisted in the thoughtless “joke” by mentioning a bus pass. No wonder she was annoyed

You just wait until you’re 60-something and people write you off as you did your colleague.

Yes she did do something wrong, OP knew full well that her friend wasn’t retiring yet gave her a retirement card anyway.

she also has the audacity to be 'awkward'.

She’ll be entitled to her state pension next year - old age pensioner. She’s kidding herself OP. I think you were good intentioned.

I've been out this afternoon with another woman from our hobby group who said that she left work because of a restructure and she didn't fancy the job she was given in the restructure or she'd still be working there.

But whyyyyyyyy did you get her a retirement card when you knew she wasn’t retiring? I don’t understand the thought process.

Because I was stupid.

I’m sorry OP, it sounds like you were just trying to be funny but it’s thoughtless yes. Is she continuing to work because she can’t afford to retire? Or is she upset about getting older?

Basically don’t make people older than you feel close to death or bring up touchy subjects. I’d apologise.

Ouch. Bet that stung for her

Nobody says middle aged for 70. Elderly is generally thought to mean 65+. You can’t be state pension age AND middle aged!

This! In the same situation I couldn't imagine making such a fuss, I would have thanked you and not given it another thought.

If I were you OP I would just be pleasant but not overly friendly in future, but then I have no room for ungracious people in my life.

I'm 66 and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. She didn't "write off" this woman, don't be so ridiculous. I actually am retired and overjoyed about it, it's not some awful thing which means I am of no more use to the world. Also, for what it's worth, 66 is not actually middle age, (and I say this as someone who still considers herself young but is sensible enough to know that, technically, I am in old age.)

However, I'm not, and never have been, one of the perpetually offended who seem to populate MN.

‘Audacity’ to have a human emotion in front of a friend… calm down.

You made a mistake and she over reacted.

To be fair she has reached state pension age, therefore not a huge leap. And I’m not sure what is so insulting about assuming a 66 is retiring. People retire at much younger ages!

She is clearly very sensitive to this. Apologize and move on. If she holds a grudge that is her issue not yours

I think they were mean to make such a big deal about it.

You were being kind and inadvertently struck a nerve.

She should be old enough to handle it.

I think it was insensitive. I don’t think people give out retirement cards outside of the workplace and for some people it’s not a joy, it’s a sign of ageing. It sounds like she was honest but handled it with good grace. You’ll know not to do it again and not to keep making her age an issue (sounds like you may be doing that if someone else mentioned it). Chalk it up as one of those experiences in life where you’ve offended someone unintentionally, she’s chosen to move on and you should do the same.