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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BiL response to gift (and now i want to punch him in his smug face)

248 replies

CheeseSandwichesAreOverrated · 30/08/2025 08:43

BiL has a history of being patronising and a bit of a twat. We had words earlier this year when he started to demand I help with wider family with no regards to MY busy situation with DC and the fact i live 3 hours away. It also infuriates me that my sister lets him take charge. It's our fucking family. I tried to communicate with my sister directly and we sorted it out eventually but I think he was a bit put out. She defers to him in everything and it drives me mad. She has done this with previous partners too. Its like she feels she has to do it to keep his male ego in tact.

So... I sent a card and beers from Moonpig to him. We've done this previously. All fine. He replied.

'Thanks for the Moonpig offering. I know you have a lot on your plate at the minute'

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off and that this is a snarky, passive aggressive response to a gift?

Or no, I'm reading too much into it.

OP posts:
NoSoupForU · 30/08/2025 14:07

Yes its snarky. But whether justifiably so or not, dunno. Is your sister having to do a lot for family members whilst you do nothing, because in that case I'd definitely understand him highlighting a lack of effort.

LillyPJ · 30/08/2025 14:08

It's always difficult to tell the tone in something written. This could be snarky but it could also be genuine thanks and some empathy. Just write a neutral reply (or don't reply at all) and forget about it.

AardvarkaKedavra · 30/08/2025 14:10

No more gifts for him, then. I wouldn't bother with a reply of any kind.

AntiBullshit · 30/08/2025 14:45

Next time get him the 20p card form Asda that says I could have got you a decent card but why would I bother

TearsForFears25 · 30/08/2025 14:47

I wouldn’t be sending/giving anything else again. Sounds like a right dickhead and I wouldn’t want to involve myself! Sorry OP, that’s shit of him - and of your sister too tbh

CelestialCandyfloss · 30/08/2025 15:13

Yeah he's rude and sounds like a twat. Don't reply / rise to it. Next year don't bother.

SprayWhiteDung · 30/08/2025 15:24

AntiBullshit · 30/08/2025 14:45

Next time get him the 20p card form Asda that says I could have got you a decent card but why would I bother

I used to love Kwik Save's No Frills range. Mostly it was indeed just very cheap basic foodstuffs for folk on a very tight budget with plain white labels and black text that just said 'No Frills - Baked Beans' or whatever it was; but they did do a few deliberate jokey items too.

I still have my plain white t-shirt with the 'No Frills' logo on it that I got for 99p. I'm sure they also did greetings cards in the same range for a few pence as well.

Pastaandoranges · 30/08/2025 15:46

Because you dont know for sure how he meant it. Just pretend in your head that it was definitely not meant to offend and he was being polite and then respond like that. Because if he was being narky, it isnt worth your headspace. And if he wasnt then job done.
Why poke a bear, or even try to unpick what a bear is thinking. Its a bear, leave it some food (beer) and then close the door and go about your day, you dont have to wonder what it is thinking.

PigletSanders · 30/08/2025 16:29

“No worries, you’re worth every penny…”

Hankunamatata · 30/08/2025 16:39

"Moonpig offering" he is a twat

Blueuggboots · 30/08/2025 17:30

I would reply “yes, it’s very difficult having you as a BIL”.

rookiemere · 30/08/2025 18:34

This is one of these threads where I would love to know more about the back story. I mean on the face of it OP, YANBU and the BIL sounds like an arse, but if he is watching his DP do a lot for an aging parent and perhaps having to get involved himself, then he could be being a bit prickly with good reason.

Morrisdancer403010 · 30/08/2025 19:24

I disagree. The message depending on your mood could read either way. I would be biting my tongue on this one as it could be in the nicest way, it also could be cheeky AF. Ignore and move on.

Melonjuice · 30/08/2025 19:38

He is saying that he appreciates the gift, especially as you have so much on and he appreciates that you took the time out to send it you moron

lottiegarbanzo · 31/08/2025 07:20

I’d love all the people on this thread who think what BIL said was nice to use the phrase ‘thank you for your [insert name of thing / birthday / method of delivery] offering’ (deadpan or by text, no adjectives, no smiles, no softening tone) next time you thank someone for a birthday gift. See how that goes down.

OliviaBonas · 31/08/2025 08:05

Yes just a thumbs up and no more cards or gifts!!!

Pramfaceache · 31/08/2025 08:47

Next time send anthrax.

Katkins17 · 31/08/2025 08:57

‘You’re welcome, it’s only what you deserve 🤔’

twilightcafe · 31/08/2025 09:23

PigletSanders · 30/08/2025 16:29

“No worries, you’re worth every penny…”

THIS!!

Perfect response.
He's a Grade A cunt.

WhatAboutTheOtherOne · 31/08/2025 10:19

lottiegarbanzo · 31/08/2025 07:20

I’d love all the people on this thread who think what BIL said was nice to use the phrase ‘thank you for your [insert name of thing / birthday / method of delivery] offering’ (deadpan or by text, no adjectives, no smiles, no softening tone) next time you thank someone for a birthday gift. See how that goes down.

I haven’t reread the thread and checked but I don’t think anyone actually said that the message was ‘nice’ A fair few people said that it could be read ok and that he might not have been being rude or that it could be him trying to be funny. It’s ambiguous. I know a few people who don’t seem to understand how their texts come across as abrupt or rude.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 31/08/2025 10:33

lottiegarbanzo · 31/08/2025 07:20

I’d love all the people on this thread who think what BIL said was nice to use the phrase ‘thank you for your [insert name of thing / birthday / method of delivery] offering’ (deadpan or by text, no adjectives, no smiles, no softening tone) next time you thank someone for a birthday gift. See how that goes down.

Who said he was nice? He doesn't want to come across nice, he's annoyed that his partner/wife is left with all the caring responsibility as OP is busy, as I said above, I'd have returned the gift.
It's terrible for the sibling who lives close to aging parents, they have to make the time, or abandon their loved one, move close to OP.
When your time poor, dig into your pocket and add financial help to relieve some of the burden, meals, private respite care.
Surely OP has some time off.
I'd love to hear her sisters side of the story.

MeridianB · 31/08/2025 10:40

PollyBell · 30/08/2025 11:28

How is he controlling from the op? Or is this the standard response anytime a man is mentioned

Show quote history

Absolutely no need for the snark.

I think he comes across as controlling from his actions - trying to dictate/demand what the OP does in relation to her parents and siblings.

freerangethighs · 31/08/2025 10:41

Its like she feels she has to do it to keep his male ego in tact.

I doubt that; it sounds like his ego is pretty robust and would be just fine without extra help.

I'd love to hear her sisters side of the story.

It seems like the root of the problem is that NO ONE hears the sister's side of the story, just the BIL's.

Doggymummar · 31/08/2025 10:45

CheeseSandwichesAreOverrated · 30/08/2025 08:53

I think it was the 'Moonpig Offering' phrase. He could've just said Thanks for the beers...
I really REALLY wish I'd sent him a turd in a box (jokes obvs)

Show quote history

Moonpig is the epitomy of can't be arsed though isn't it? My toxic mother uses it and it's a complete lack of love and care, like Bayliss and Harding. I now use it for her where before I used to source beautiful thoughtful gifts.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 31/08/2025 10:46

freerangethighs · 31/08/2025 10:41

Its like she feels she has to do it to keep his male ego in tact.

I doubt that; it sounds like his ego is pretty robust and would be just fine without extra help.

I'd love to hear her sisters side of the story.

It seems like the root of the problem is that NO ONE hears the sister's side of the story, just the BIL's.

I guess what this is boiling down to is their disregard of OUR situation and the assumption that I can drop everything and run to them. I can't. My children come first. And they just don't get that/dont want to acknowledge what's going on in my life. They don't give my other sisters the grief they give me.

I disagree, there is a lot of, they, their, as a pair/couple .

"They give her grief and ask for her help".

It's all about OP'S busy load.

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