BiL response to gift (and now i want to punch him in his smug face)

[CheeseSandwichesAreOverrated]

BiL has a history of being patronising and a bit of a twat. We had words earlier this year when he started to demand I help with wider family with no regards to MY busy situation with DC and the fact i live 3 hours away. It also infuriates me that my sister lets him take charge. It's our fucking family. I tried to communicate with my sister directly and we sorted it out eventually but I think he was a bit put out. She defers to him in everything and it drives me mad. She has done this with previous partners too. Its like she feels she has to do it to keep his male ego in tact.

So... I sent a card and beers from Moonpig to him. We've done this previously. All fine. He replied.

'Thanks for the Moonpig offering. I know you have a lot on your plate at the minute'

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off and that this is a snarky, passive aggressive response to a gift?

Or no, I'm reading too much into it.

Yes, our family situation is complicated. There are a total of 5 siblings, an aging parent, complicated family dynamics with family all over the UK and, for me- DC, one of whom has a disability.

I guess what this is boiling down to is their disregard of OUR situation and the assumption that I can drop everything and run to them. I can't. My children come first. And they just don't get that/dont want to acknowledge what's going on in my life. They don't give my other sisters the grief they give me.

I just wanted confirmation that he is being a twat. And he is. Thanks guys

I don’t get my brother in law anything for his birthday, we’re not that close.
Just don’t bother next year.

Reply faux-naively,

"Yes, I do. So glad you liked the beer!!"

I think the posters saying to say “you’re welcome” are right. And add a smile face or a “hope you enjoy them!”

he sent a message to be sarky, we all know this but he kept it on the side of reasonable doubt so you can look unhinged if you call him out on it. Sending a message that implies you haven’t understood his sarkiness may annoy him and therefore is the best option.

Gotta love a passive aggressive thumbs up. Also, stop buying presents out of duty for someone you clearly don't like. You know he's an idiot and yet you get mad at his predictably goading "thank you". Just heart his comment. That's a low level acknowledgement and he won't get the reaction he craves.

Exactly this. His message reeks of pomposity. Offering indeed. Prick.

Yes I think he's being a twat but why not take the wind out of his sales by totally ignoring the dig and using it to reinforce your POV 'thanks for your understanding. I'm barely coping at present but wanted to get you something you like'

It comes across like Dsis and BIL are being weighted down, OP is too busy to help. I can understand his passive aggressive response, better than saying your time is worth more than your cash.
Everyone's busy.
I have been in the situation with the busy sibling. I was busy too but the help was needed and someone had to do it.
The same siblings will be there for their financial inheritance, if there is any.
I have two DC with disabilities.
I would just tell you to piss off.
You are disregarding their situation too.

Oh, just tell him to fuck off, the next time he moans. And if he moans about that, tell him to fuck off again. In fact, keep telling him that until he gets the message.

Hopefully he does the same thing to OP'S ill relative.

I bought a card a while ago with my SIL in mind - haven't yet had the courage to send it but I smile every time I see it ...it says...
Somewhere...right now...someone is thinking about how fantastic you are. It's not me. I think you are a knob!

Well, next year’s present will be simple.

Send him nothing but a message saying “Sorry BIL. Too much on my plate to bother with a birthday offering 🤷🏻‍♀️”

To be honest, he's only making himself look completely pathetic - as well as passive aggressive.

If he was 4, it would make perfect sense that HIS birthday was the most important, exciting, all-consuming thing on his mind.

But for a grown adult to even be expecting and counting on somebody in his extended family to make his birthday super happy and special, rather than just appreciating a token gesture in acknowledgement... that's not how most mature grown-ups behave.

Next year send him just a moonpig card, with the message: “No gift this year, too much on my plate”.

He sounds like a total dick.

Just take it at face value and reply, ‘You’re welcome. Enjoy!’ That’ll piss him off more 😁

I like it! Ironically, you'd have to have a certain closeness and understanding with somebody to be brave enough to send it to them and for them to appreciate it as a funny joke. Otherwise, it really does just like you actually think that they're an actual knob

I've seen a few designs where the joke is that you're clearly leading them to expect money inside the card, but the 'joke' is that you forgot/you're skint/you don't think they're worth it/'oops, it must have fallen out'. I can well imagine those ones going down very badly indeed if you misjudge it and give them to the wrong person!

"So glad you enjoyed it - you seemed to like it so much last year we thought you would appreciate it!!!!"

He sounds like a controlling, misogynistic, rude, arsehole.

I wouldn’t be sending him anything in future. I’d also see him as little as possible. I hope your sister sees sense and ditches him soon.

The person who said rate him on his behaviour and take the batteries out of the remote control so he can't push your buttons, is sensible.

I think the less communication with him the better. Communicate with your sister.

For the joint family responsibility for the aging parent. That should be an open discussion between all siblings, all are equally responsible. If you can't be there physically, maybe arrange home help or meals on wheels or a nursing home.

Sounds like you and your aged parent are lucky that BIL and your sister are able (willing) to drop everything. He doesn't sound like a twat at all to me.

How is he controlling from the op? Or is this the standard response anytime a man is mentioned

Just send him a thumbs up 👍 🤣

That's exactly the same sort of message I'd get from my own BIL (are they twins?!)
Mine is big into the idea of "get me something you think I'd really like." Then the one year I thought I'd smashed it out of the park, he turned around and went "I don't want that."
He was IMMEDIATELY consigned to the outer darkness. I never gave a gift to him an ounce of thought from that day onwards. He'll get a couple of boxes of his favourite chocolate, and that's it. It was incredibly freeing.

As for your own personal BIL knobhead, I'd also go with a very simple "you're welcome". Or my own favourite, a single thumbs up emoji.

I agree, I think it sounds as though the OP is backing out of what the sister and BIL see as family responsibilities, and yes, she has her own life to live, but so do they, and it does sound as though they are both getting very resentful, though BIL is the one voicing it.

I imagine they had a bit of a laugh about the moonpig issue, “Blimey wife, your sister is so rushed off her feet she hasn’t even got the time to write her own birthday cards but has to outsource them to a commercial company. Phew, what a whirlwind of a life she leads, no wonder we are left holding the fort with your parents.”

Is everyone ignoring the fact that OP isn't playing her part in a tiring stressful situation.
If BIL and Dsis were to take the same stance, their loved ones would be abandoned.
I'd have returned the gift to sender.