BiL response to gift (and now i want to punch him in his smug face)

[CheeseSandwichesAreOverrated]

BiL has a history of being patronising and a bit of a twat. We had words earlier this year when he started to demand I help with wider family with no regards to MY busy situation with DC and the fact i live 3 hours away. It also infuriates me that my sister lets him take charge. It's our fucking family. I tried to communicate with my sister directly and we sorted it out eventually but I think he was a bit put out. She defers to him in everything and it drives me mad. She has done this with previous partners too. Its like she feels she has to do it to keep his male ego in tact.

So... I sent a card and beers from Moonpig to him. We've done this previously. All fine. He replied.

'Thanks for the Moonpig offering. I know you have a lot on your plate at the minute'

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off and that this is a snarky, passive aggressive response to a gift?

Or no, I'm reading too much into it.

It's snarky referring back to the disagreement ye had where you couldn't help with whatever the wider family responsibilities were because of your commitments, it's doesn't need over thinking about. Reply with 'enjoy the beers! Add a smiley face and move on, next year you can decide whether you feel like sending him something or not

Sounds like my first Mother’s Day as a stepmum… made sure the kids bought their mum a gift and card … the message my DH got in return was something along the lines of ‘say thank you to onetheedgeofit for orchestrating my mother day gift’

Orchestrating? Gosh. Ok.

Sounds like he recognises you're busy and is saying thanks for even remembering????

I think the problem is the word ‘offering’…

why couldn’t he say thanks for the beers?

Exactly! As the wife of somebody in a similar situation - I advocate as it affects MY family so therefore I get an opinion. We are currently discussing between ourselves just moving away because we cant actually take it anymore. Difficult in-laws, no wider support, no appreciation and not even thought of... Completely invisible so we may aswell vanish

I don't think it's at all clear that OP isn't playing her part with caring responsibilities, rather there are / were differing expectations regarding that. OP says she sorted that when she was able to deal with her sister directly on it and notes that she is specifically targeted in a way that other siblings aren't.

As I'm sure many here have experienced, supporting aging parents can be extremely difficult for everyone involved and can definitely see any unresolved tensions and issues come to the fore. I imagine it is very hard to get the right balance as to who does what when some siblings are nearer than others and everyone has different competing demands on their time. That's why it is helpful to have grown up conversations about what is needed and what everyone can contribute. I'm not sure this guy is the best person to be involved in those conversations and if I were OP I would definitely be focusing on the relationship with my sister and other siblings and ignoring his bullshit.

I had a shit inlaw like this and the whole family used to bow down before then and listen to their pronouncements. Luckily, I no longer have to deal with this idiot

Remember this.

1. he is not the child of your elderly parent.
2. He is a BIL and he doesn't get to give you orders.
3. You don't have to accept his orders or his guilt tripping. You don't even have to accept it from your sister.
4. You only have to do what YOU actually can do and what fits in with your own family responsibilites - he's casting you in the role of uncaring child, in order to guilt trip you. Don't accept that role.
5. Don't give any more presents for him to approve or disapprove of. He doesn't appreciate them, He uses them to insult and he's really enjoying the power of that. This is very very liberating. maybe say that they don't need to buy you presents either (they are probably not great presents anyway) ... eg only for the children...
6. He will be offended that you are not paying homage to his opinions.
7. only communicate with your sister about your parents.
8. Don't be scared that standing up for yourself will ruin your relationship with your sister. He's already ruining it. Its not a bad idea if your sister sees that you have been clear what you want and what you are prepared to do and that even then you are willing to be friendly and polite to her. 10 ) there are five siblings.. they all need to step up, and play a part But you could help to get them all communicating together.

Do not be afraid of being seen as not being "nice" or "good" enough. If you know in your heart you are being reasonable, then that is a good guide line.

Its not a bad idea to think out in advance very clearly about what you can do and can't do. How much time you have to give. Get your calendar out. Allocate help time.. and then stick to it.
Contact someone like Age Concern or similar to have a chat about your parent and their needs and future needs and get some advice so that you are clear in advance (for the purposes of family discussions) what help is required and you can form a plan to help your parent.

Its not easy having declining parents and its clouded by strong emotions on all sides and I do sympathise but you have nothing to lose by being clearer in your own mind what is possible and setting boundaries.
In fact is a good mindset because what he is doing is not conducive to your siblings bonding together to help each other by singling you out. Try to build up some good communication with all the siblings direclty, because the pressure will be on and you need to be prepared to deal with it. If they take offense to you reasonably standing up for yourself that is their problem. Best of luck OP x

Edited because I realised I didn't know enough of how much care giving the OP or BIL was giving, and I was writing from the point of view of OP giving the majority of care. Although Planning in the calendar certain times they can visit between five of them means that it can be spread out a lot more evenly between them. But that is between the five of them. Not BIL .

”you’re welcome. You deserve it”
Coz if he thinks it’s a shit gift, he’ll wonder whether he thinks he deserves a shit gift, or whether you’re being nice

None of us know what is going on in your family but the piece I took from this was that you said your sister had form for doing this.
You see this as her deferring to the men in her life which is possible but maybe she does feel put upon and and instead of talking directly to you about it she moans to her current partner and they end up doing the talking.
Looking after elderly parents is hard I’ve been there, don’t go out of your way to make the situation worse.

He’s a prick.
I’m a big fan of a Paddington hard stare for a few seconds and then a bland response of ‘you’re welcome’.

This is brilliant.

I heard this the other day that you should always wish someone the day they deserve.

Lol I don’t even get my brother in law anything for his birthday.

Well - next year you could send him one of those charity gifts that is a load of manure/fertiliser for a village in a poor country, @CheeseSandwichesAreOverrated!

Pile of Poo

This is difficult. Aging parents can be an utter shit show nightmare scenario. It’s so very difficult to deal with. I expect that your sister’s life is being very heavily impacted by this and that she is really struggling with it - hence her husband trying to step in to try to get help from you. You can’t provide the help due to distance and disabled dc. They remain shafted and stressed. I’m not saying it’s your fault, it clearly isn’t. But it seems you might not fully understand what they are going through - that’s clearly the source of his aggro comment about moonpig. I don’t think it’s impersonal anyway - dd got one for DH and they live in the same house. He loved it. My db also loved the one I sent him.

It doesn’t seem like your BIL is a bellend. It seems like he’s lashed out a bit out of despair.

It could be snarky but it also might be a peace offering in that he's acknowledging he's been a bit of a dick. Text msgs are the devil. Words are only 5% of communication.

Next year he'd just be getting a card.

"Sorry I haven't an organised a suitable present - have got a lot on my plate at the moment..."

Twat.

Next year, please send a Happy Moonpig Offering Day card to him on his birthday.

Love this!

Just reply with “my pleasure, I know how much you like a drink”

If it is aiming at being snarky and passive-aggressive, the best response is to pretend not to pick up on that fact. Take his thanks at face value. That'll drive him wild.

I would just tell sister that let’s just get presents for each other and leave out the men.

Oh gosh if it's not appreciated I'll happily have the beers back then!

This is fantastic

Personally I'd respond "you're very welcome, thanks for your support"...he is being narky but that's his problem ... dont make it yours or lower yourself to his level...stay in adult mode 😊.

I have a relative that always gifts me something through moonpig & I find it a bit off putting. I take time to choose & post or hand deliver her gift & I get generic chocolates & a card from moonpig.
what sort of gift do you get from him?