BiL response to gift (and now i want to punch him in his smug face)

[CheeseSandwichesAreOverrated]

BiL has a history of being patronising and a bit of a twat. We had words earlier this year when he started to demand I help with wider family with no regards to MY busy situation with DC and the fact i live 3 hours away. It also infuriates me that my sister lets him take charge. It's our fucking family. I tried to communicate with my sister directly and we sorted it out eventually but I think he was a bit put out. She defers to him in everything and it drives me mad. She has done this with previous partners too. Its like she feels she has to do it to keep his male ego in tact.

So... I sent a card and beers from Moonpig to him. We've done this previously. All fine. He replied.

'Thanks for the Moonpig offering. I know you have a lot on your plate at the minute'

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off and that this is a snarky, passive aggressive response to a gift?

Or no, I'm reading too much into it.

Glad you like the gesture, enjoy.

(yes BIL it WAS a low effort gesture because I AM low effort with the likes of you).

I wouldn't respond, I'm sure that would be far more infuriating to him, than if you reply. He's trying to goad you, and the more you allow him to do this, by replying, the more he thinks he's 'won'. It's a power trip to him. Therefore, take away his power, by disengaging.

You know he's most likely being passive aggressive because you know he's a bit of a prick but it's always fun to not play the game and just take what's been said at face value. He might end up absolutely fuming that you haven't taken the bait but can't complain to anyone about it as that involves acknowledging that it was intended as a dig in the first place.

Ooh send a moonpig 'thank you for accepting our offering' card with a picture of the wise men kneeling at baby Jesus's crib!

I don't understand how a moonpig card is lazy and impersonal? Often they are personalised with photos etc and even if not, how is choosing a card on Moonpig any different than going to Card factory or Clinton's, or any other website and choosing a card from there?

I have never had a personalised one. I find it a lazy thing to just order online and it isn't even hand written just printed. Buying something online and getting it posted from there is without a doubt lazy. Moonpig is cheap and nasty.

I don’t read it as snarky but I suppose it could be. Hard to say without all the context.

Huh? They’re literally the direct opposite of impersonal. How is going to a card shop and grabbing any old card and shoving it in the post, more personal than designing your own?!?!

What is the situation with your sister? Why do they need help? Is she left caring for an elderly family member?

I'd do a passive aggressive reply, 'I knew you'd approve because it's what sister always sends me. Happy you're happy. 😁'

How on earth can you not see how snarky it is?!? “Moonpig offering” and implying that because she “has a lot on her plate at the minute” she couldn’t get a ‘proper’ gift! It’s astonishingly rude.

I take the point about the add-on gifts; but you do realise with the cards that you have to look through a big selection and choose one, before writing (via a keyboard) the message inside - just like you would if you bought it in a shop?

In fact, if you bought it in, say, a supermarket, rather than an actual card shop - where they have an extremely limited selection of cards for each specific occasion/relation/age - you actually do much less work in choosing one that's the most suitable/all that they have in stock!

After that, either you pop it in the post or Moonpig do and leave the hard part to Royal Mail - you aren't sending a butler in top hat and tails to walk all the way and then present it to them on a silver platter on a cushion whilst serenading them with a show tune!

You've totally skimmed over the "help with wider family" part which is really the crux of the issue.

Your OP reads to me like your sister is under a lot of pressure dealing with your family (aging parents?) and your BIL is pissed off that she (and him?) are doing everything while you have plonked yourself 3 hours away and all you can say is how busy you are. Presumably they're busy too. I've seen this exact scenario unfold countless times. If this is what's happening, I'm not surprised your BIL is fucked off with you and is speaking up on his wife's behalf.

Hmmm. I’d be torn between ignoring completely or the 👍🏼

or what about a solitary 🥳

I think for Xmas, you need to get him a special card printed to go with his gift "Here is your Christmas Moonpig Offering" 😆

I'd just run with it now. Too funny.

Don’t respond to perceived subtext, it’s honestly the best gift you can give yourself. That way you don’t spend precious energy on him. Stick with ‘you’re welcome’

I would send back

”I am so glad you enjoyed your gift and grateful to you for appreciating how busy I am. It means a lot to me. Enjoy your birthday “

🍻

This warrants just a thumbs up emoji and nothing else. 👍

Absolutely this
He thrives on pressing people's buttons/ getting an emotional reaction
Disable the buttons/ don't give him the reaction

Look up grey rock
He sounds like a toxic person.
Essentially these type of people may come across as superior cocky but underneath they have low self esteem and an a need for external validation- via ruffling people/ snark = reaction/ conflict = boost to their self-esteem .
We will call this The Game

Take yourself out of The Game.
Refuse to play it

Reply with neutral statements when he is a twat

Text back
"Enjoy !"or
" you are welcome"

Zero thought or reference to his snark, do not let it control you or your reactions.
He will then have no where to go

If he ever tries to boss everyone again
" No thank you, that doesn't work for us"
Then no further reply

I don't think you can call them cheap and nasty, to be fair. Speaking as somebody who no longer uses Moonpig, their cards are very high quality - much more so than most shop-bought cards.

Obviously, Moonpig don't know your family member/friend and are only acting on your behalf; if you just click on the first card you find and don't bother entering any text/personalisation, it's your fault that it's lazy and impersonal.

Just like if you went on Amazon, typed 'gift for a woman' in the search box (or just mashed a bunch of random letters on the keyboard) and clicked on the first thing that came up for around a tenner - as opposed to properly looking for something specific that you knew your intended recipient would actually like and appreciate.

What did he get you for your last birthday?
Does he buy you something specifically or does your sister buy it?

It's the "Moonpig offering" that adds the snark. The rest of the message would be passable without it. It indicates that the gift has been presented but that he hasn't deigned to decide yet if it is good enough for him to wish to use or enjoy it.

I would respond "lightheartedly" along the lines of another poster's suggestion - "Well thank you for accepting our humble offering O Great One haha". Humorous enough for him not to be able to say you are directly snarky, yet he'll know you are taking the piss out of his stupid loftiness.
Then don't bother acknowledging the cunt's birthday ever again.

Reminds me of my late MIL. She always wanted a big fuss for her birthday but nothing was ever good enough. She was very wealthy and could afford whatever she wanted so anything that I (then a comparative pauper) could buy her was worthless in her eyes. She'd do a strained smile and say "oh thank you for your little present" and immediately put it down and not look at it again. Grrrr. So ungracious. I did stop bothering and guess what she didn't like that either!

To me it could be taken either way - thanks for bothering when I know you’re busy, OR, Only Moonpig, better than nothing, I suppose…

I've had moonpig cards before. It's never occured to me that the sender is lazy. It's a tool to help them stay organised and some of the personalised ones are very thoughtful and take a bit longer to make. We've had a couple of moonpig add on gifts, too. I've never seen it as anything but generosity.

In your situation OP I'd just reply "Yes! So very busy here! Glad you liked it - enjoy your day 😊". Just stay serene.

Nailed it!!!!!! On repeat.