Can’t stop this affair

[HallieConstancex]

I have been seeing a man for over a year and a half. He has a family (partner & 2 children). I’m not here for sympathy, I know I need to let go.

his reasons for not leaving are his oldest daughter has a severe disability so his partner has given up work and he provides everything for them, so can’t just leave.

he knows me better than anyone, yet I know I deserve to be taken out, showed off etc, instead of someone’s secret.

I can’t do no contact, I have to see him every month at work. It’s not a situation where either of us can leave but I won’t get into it as it’s outing. How am I ever supposed to move on when he has to be in my life for atleast another year?

His poor wife. Giving up work to care for a disabled child is her burden not his, yes he's financially supporting HIS family but he gets to leave the house and work ... and have an affair. She must have so little time to herself and be questioning her self worth. So gross that he's betrayed her this way.

I'm sure his life isn't what he imagined either but you roll the dice when you have children, you don't know what will happen with them. And relationships change alot in early years of having children, even healthy ones, it takes time to come back at times and takes work.

If you don't think he'll leave to be with you then you know what you need to do, like any office romance people still see eachother after a breakup, just be a grown up about it.

His wife is at home with a disabled child. I can’t understand how you can of this to another woman not to mind a woman in these circumstances.

if he was that unhappy with his family and utterly in love with you he would leave. If he was a good man he would make sure his family was provided for and leave to be with you. He would organise care for his child - disabled or not.

You can stop. Have self respect and move on.

He is shagging you, then going home home to his “partner” who is looking after the children, one of whom is disabled. Have you any idea how that is for her? How can you NOT see that he is awful?
I will wager that is because you also don’t see that what you are doing is awful. Your whole post is me, me, me. What you want, what you deserve.
And yes, you are a fully functioning, grown adult, you can stop if you want to. No one is forcing you to do this. You aren’t a helpless woman, swept away by desire and fate. You are a fucking grown up. Act like it. Ditch the loser and do better for yourself.

Hmm.
I have disabled kids, and here's the thing, when you have disabled kids, sometimes your marriage breaks down, but the thing is when you really need support from the other parent, the marriage breaking down doesn't really matter. You almost become a team that has to just get on with the needs of the kids, and actually it becomes that way- LONG before the conversation is had.

I'm not believing his story, not at all.

The truth is he's a cheat. The truth is he is a liar, and it isn't just her he's lying to.

He could leave that relationship easily. If he was somewhat honest, and respectful they could have a mutually respectful co parenting relationship.

It's what myself and my ex created- why? Because it was mutually beneficial.
He wasn't what I needed, and I wasn't what he needed in a partner because my kids needs are quite draining!!
He can shag whoever, whenever, wherever he wants, but he has kids that he needs to help with. Sure, that would be complicated if he got serious with someone, but more for him and whoever that was with.

Does the disabled child even exist? Or is it a line spun to make his situation sound more sympathetic?

Don’t be name calling, it’s ‘disrespectful’. 😁

Couldn’t give a fuck ! 😂😂

I get where you are coming from tbh.I was with a man for the past year and we recently broke up as amongst other things,he's not relationship material,I don't trust him etc but we can't leave each other alone.We are both single but we have said to each other that whatever we are or aren't,we will always meet up and be in each others lives.It sounds bad but even when I meet someone or he does,I know we will still meet up and whether that is bad or not,it's what will happen

Here is a 🪏 Dig deep, find your self respect.

Do you have no self respect at all? He is using you for sex and having sex with his wife and goodness knows who else. Of course he is not going to ‘show you off’ and risk losing his life with his wife and children! You are very thoughtless really aren’t you.

Of course he is! He was so selfish and disloyal he couldn't cope with no longer being his wife's number one priority, despite the reason for that being they have a child with a severe, life limiting disability. Instead of spending time with said child, or taking on more of the caring responsibilities, he's with you. If the circumstances were different, he'd either be a shit still cheating on his wife without a "good" excuse, or he wouldn't cheat on his wife at all because she'd still have time to focus on him.

Is it name calling if true? 🤔

You’re both single, how is that comparable?

Nope, I was just quoting a #be kind poster.

You are beyond stupid if you believe every word he says. And you say you ‘deserve’ to be taken out and shown off, but right now you really don’t, you are choosing to be the dirty bit on the side happy to play your part in tearing apart the life of a poor woman whose given up work and trusted her husband to help her care for a disabled child. You don’t ‘deserve’ anything. Do better and make yourself worth more. Change jobs or just develop better morals and tell him to get lost. Find someone better and be better yourself.

Text him tonight and tell him you're done. That you will communicate where necessary on a professional level, through your work e-mail, but that's all. Then block on your personal devices. It will take as much time as writing a post on here.

How can you find him attractive when his way of coping with having a disabled child is to have an affair? His partner is so so vulnerable, financially, but someone has to look after their child. If they separated and had the child 50/50 (if that's even possible depending on her disability) he'd have to reduce his hours or pay a carer either way him financially supporting his family is basic bare minimum stuff.

You are being a selfish idiot. Of course you can stop. It is an affair, not insulin for a diabetic. You are CHOOSING this pitiful life for yourself.

You have nothing to gain by posting here as a victim. Grow up

Are you also in a relationship OP? From one of your posts it read as if you are both in relationships outside of this affair?

I think you need to think about your life goals. Do you want to travel with a partner? Have someone who's part of your family and social circle? Someone to lean on if times get hard and you're ill? Do you want to have children one day? Retire with someone? This guy will never be any of that.

Is he so awful? Yes. Everything we do is a choice. I can't imagine how stressful taking care of a seriously ill child must be, but you marry and decide to have a family knowing that its a possibility you might have to pull through together. He's not left his partner because that's his family and his real world. You are escapism. He's not leaving them for you because they are more important to him than you - not important enough for him to not risk devastating them- but still more important to you. And at the end of the day, the most important person of all to this guy is and always will be - himself.

Anyone who starts an affair isn't just swept away. On a values level they are okay with lying, sneaking around, putting their needs before everyone else, manipulation and gaslighting and shirking responsibilities. When he's with you he's shirking his responsibilities with his family and his dd and you can bet his wife is the one picking up the slack. And then I bet you that he rationalises that to himself with nonsense like - she's always stressed/ they're never intimate/ she doesn't make the same effort with him etc etc etc without acknowledgement of the fact that if he took the time and effort he wastes on you and invested that into his wife he'd probably have a happier wife and more fulfilling relationship with her. So not only is he selfish, he's narcissistic, arrogant and immature, not someone to depend on and someone who blames others for their own shortcomings. Just because he's packaging it up nicely with a bow on top doesn't mean that all isn't there.

The idea of the man you have in your head doesn't exist which is why he's with you in the first place. You've romanticised this because you want to get the boost from it, you also have needs that you want met and you want to feel like you've been special to someone. But this guy is just having his cake and eating it. He doesn't need to leave his wife because from her he gets a stable family life and he won't give you up because from you he gets escapism and a massive ego rub.

You need to grow up, put your big girl pants on and leave him. Block and delete and move job. Not only will this undermine your sense of self and your self worth, but if it's been noticed around your workplace which it always is let's be honest, it's probably silently destroying your career reputation as well.

Honestly, I’m not someone who thinks that people who have affairs are devils walking amongst us. Most are normal people who just happen to get into a situation that they can’t get out of and makes them act like a cunt. Not scum, just stupid.

However, you said ‘he would probably leave if his circumstances were different’. No, he wouldn’t. If he loved you, or cared for you in any way, he would leave her because he wouldn’t be able to be without you. He’d make it work in regards to making sure she and his children were looked after financially. But he doesn’t, because that’s his wife and he loves her, and he has a child/children with her. The difficulties surrounding caring for his child probably mean they don’t have as much sex as they’d like but he at least as someone he can have easy sex with. He will put on the act of the century to have convinced you that you are special and you’re ’his person’. Yeah, you’re his person to put his cock in and he gets to put his cock in you more when he’s whispering sweet nothings.

I have been in your position albeit when I was younger and you do believe them, but it’s a load of bollocks and when you tell him (which you won’t) that it’s over, you’ll eventually slap your own forehead and think ‘what the fuck was a doing’ while he slaps the arse of his newest ‘love’.

‘he knows me better than anyone, yet I know I deserve to be taken out, showed off etc, instead of someone’s secret.’

You’re involved with someone abusing his wife through the removal of her personal agency, right to informed sexual consent and manipulation, gaslighting and lying. And you’ve chosen to do this for 18 months.

You don’t deserve any better. You deserve exactly what you’re getting… crumbs. But he deserves even less.

Because they’re both apparently helpless to control who they sleep with?