Can’t stop this affair

[HallieConstancex]

I have been seeing a man for over a year and a half. He has a family (partner & 2 children). I’m not here for sympathy, I know I need to let go.

his reasons for not leaving are his oldest daughter has a severe disability so his partner has given up work and he provides everything for them, so can’t just leave.

he knows me better than anyone, yet I know I deserve to be taken out, showed off etc, instead of someone’s secret.

I can’t do no contact, I have to see him every month at work. It’s not a situation where either of us can leave but I won’t get into it as it’s outing. How am I ever supposed to move on when he has to be in my life for atleast another year?

I wonder why the OP didn’t reply to me directly. I mean, your input is your take on the situation, I wanted the OPs.

Exactly, the AP may well love the OP dearly, they may have made a great couple if both were free and there were no obstacles in the way. But there are and they are pretty insurmountable so the only sane choice is to walk away.

Whilst the woman who gets involved with a married man, knowingly is wrong, I actually think the notion of ‘home wrecker’ should be directed at the man who chooses to wreck his own home. He’ll have an affair - if not with the OP then with someone else.

A lot of men think they are entitled to have the exact life they want, even if it means lying and cheating. They don’t see it as wrong. This is something I have learned through the years.

They are both home wreckers and both complicit. I doubt the OP will block him just from reading the replies on here. Horrible pair.

She is just as much part of it as he is. I never said it's just her fault. Horrible pair!

Agree. If someone unknowingly enters into an affair because the cheat has lied about their situation then it’s 100% on the liar to blame.

But in scenarios such as this where both parties are fully aware of the fact one or the other is married and think that getting an illicit cheap shag is a priority over having dignity self respect and standards then both parties are grubby as fuck.

To knowingly facilitate potentially fucking up a families life when she has kids herself is repulsive behaviour.

Both parties are morally repugnant and deserve whatever scorn they get.

Men and women only cheat because someone will cheat with them. If you knowingly cheat with a married person you are no better than the married person. Thats why women and men get blamed just as much as the married person.

Sure they could find someone else. But again if people actually had moral compasses and didn’t just oops my clothes fell off with married or partnered people. They would actually have to become single to start mingling their genitalia with someone else’s.

My sperm donor spread his seeds far and wide, I’ve no idea how so many women fell for his Bs considering I have multiple siblings born within the same 12 month period and that’s just the ones silly enough to get pregnant by him and keep the baby.

In ops case as well she has children, she doesn’t know the wife or the wives family. She doesn’t know what they would do if they found out which then can impact her own children.

Even as simple as a cousin going to the same school letting the whole playground know their mum sleeps with married men, the child’s then going to get the constant “mums a whore” “mums a slag” “home wrecker” plus I’m sure many more inventive things. No thought to even their own children let alone the scorned partner and their children.

A year and a half is a long time! Tell him this situation isn’t working for you anymore and that you need someone who can be a proper partner to you. If he wants to stay with his wife then that’s his choice. I expect that he’ll simply go sniffing around for another affair partner.

Seeing him once a month isn’t a big deal. It’s not as though you are working together everyday. Go online dating and make yourself busy with other men!

It’s a good thing you can’t delete it, if you start to waiver you can look back at this and remember what gave you that final push to block him. It’s fine if you sit and cry about the names, you’ve done a horrible thing and didn’t even give a shit about who you could hurt for a long time, nobody has been unnecessarily harsh on here, truth hurts. But you’ve hopefully committed to changing now. It’s a great idea not to have another man around your kids, you just need a fellow divorcee that’s available and doesn’t want the commitment.

i think the phrase “I can’t even imagine” says it all.

No, you can’t, @HallieConstancex , but you need to try.

His wife is at home, all day, every day , every night with a severely disabled child. She doesn’t get any respite, or probably not much, and what she gets will be physical respite, certainly not the mental respite of wondering if this is the last ever hospital visit, of what will happen to the child when the parents are too old or infirm to care for it, of what the eventual home will be like, will the carers be kind or like the ones you read about who aren’t.

She certainly doesn’t get the luxury of switching off those constant worries by going to work, with the added perk of a stupid infatuated woman who is up for a quicky in the stationery cupboard or a couple of hours in a Travel Lodge. Because that is what you are OP, like it or not, you are a bit of light relief for someone who knows where their responsibilities lie but isn’t above breaking his marriage vows for half an hour or so every month because it isn’t ever going to lead anywhere and you are cheaper than a prostitute and more satisfying than a wank on only fans.

You would destroy them? Seems like you’d be just wasting your energy and most likely you’re the one will be punished if you’re stalking someone, threatening them and doing something mostly likely illegal. They’ll have the last laugh if you end up in prison. Plus seems like the husband doesn’t want a future with the wife either, what self respecting woman would take back a cheating husband? Best option is to focus the energy on the divorce.

Op is your user name different to your real name?

But my point is that men and women go into affairs with differing thought processes. Some women fall for the lies about the man not being happy and they don’t sleep in the same bed etc.

The woman has a romanticised view, whilst the man feels entitled to cheat.

Upsetting to learn that you have children and lack the empathy to realise how you could severely impact the lives of other children with your actions. You know the right choice - he isn’t a good man.

Don't destroy them, I just took his house and £1000 a month from him. His eldest child won't speak to him, their choice, I have encouraged it. Karma comes in the end.

Maybe stop being so self absorbed and selfish and think of other people rather than yourself. He has no interest in you your just a dirty little secret that’s truly how much he thinks of you and you need to do some work on yourself as you clearly don’t have any self worth.

You are both selfish and horrible people!! Do you realize, that you are probably just a little excitement for this man and his everyday life? The man has probably lied to you that his marriage is terrible, they have no intimacy, his wife is mean, etc. And the reality is probably completely different. They have a good marriage and they have sex regularly. The wife is not a horrible person. The wife takes care of the children, the home and her husband ‼️

Do you want to be a homewrecker??? That's what you are at the moment. So you want to break the family from the children??? I guess you realize that a "healthy" child will NEVER want to have anything to do with you. The whole man's family will probably turn their backs on you.

My daughter's son (3 years old, a wonderful little darling) is also "disabled". He use a wheelchair, among other things. His father is devoted to his child, though. But if we heard anything else later, my husband would probably beat him.

It is incredibly hard, both mentally and physically, to take care of a disabled child!!! And you are taking advantage of the man's stress. The man imagines, that he will get a moment of "free time" when he plays with you. But remember, the man LOVES his wife. You are just a little excitement in life. Poor wife, it is really hard for her, when she takes care of the house and both children. A wife is NOT able to leave the house in the same way, that the man can (by just going to work). Husband is awull and selfish!!!

I don't think, that any of your friends or family will approve of your actions. Or if they do, then their morals are on the same level as yours. Think for at least 5 minutes how you would feel, if you were in the role of that wife!!! And your husband would look for a moment of entertainment, in the middle of his heavy everyday life and have an affair whit another woman.. I wouldn't even be able to look at myself in the mirror. I could only be in the same situation, if the man had lied to me and told me that he was single. Even then, I would IMMEDIATELY break off the whole thing. Even if I were madly in love with the man. I would change jobs or at least ask for a transfer to other duties. You are 1000 times worse than a normal homewrecker! You know how difficult the situation is for the man and his wife and their children. I would despise you.

The other thing to consider, if the morality of being complicit in the betrayal of his partner and family is not enough for you, is the impact in your personal and professional reputations if/when the affair is revealed.

Let’s face it, if this gets out you are going to be viewed as the other woman who screwed over a woman caring for an unwell and profoundly disabled child. He is going to be the man who betrayed his partner whilst she cares for their sick child, having given up her career (and probably hobbies/social life etc) to do so, I doubt that revelation would go smoothly for either of you. Of course he is more culpable as it is him who is betraying his partner and family, but you are totally complicit in that betrayal and it’s utterly reprehensible. I think you should both be ashamed of what you have done.

I also think you are either utterly naive, or practicing a great deal of self-delusion though. If he wanted to leave, he could and would. He would be absolutely be justified in ending his relationship if he does not want to be with his partner- he can leave and still appropriately financially and physically support his children, so he doesn’t have to stay. After all, he manages to find time to spend with you despite it all, so he clearly doesn’t invest all his time in his family anyway. At best he is too cowardly to admit he wants out for fear of being negatively judged and/or because of the financial implications- and that won’t change. At worst, he’s happy to betray his partner and family and spend time and energy he should be using to support his partner and children on you because he gets something he wants (sex, excitement, thrill of sneaking around, an emotional outlet that doesn’t have the same responsibilities and stresses that he has at home with his partner).

Rightly or wrongly, you will be viewed just as, or possibly more, harshly than he is. Some/most of your friends and acquaintances will disapprove- even if they don’t say it. I’d be so disappointed in a friend who knowingly did this, even if I thought they were an otherwise reasonable person and it would make me question if I had made the correct judgement about their character.

I imagine some of your work colleagues would be shocked too. but it might impact professionally because you are seen to be untrustworthy or showing poor judgement. I’m not saying you would be “officially reprimanded” or anything like that, but there could be a “softer” fall out which has the potential to be just as damaging professionally if you are viewed as having poor judgement, not behaving morally etc. it’s not inevitable, but it is possible. So if the moral argument does not sway you, perhaps the prospect of social and professional stigma might.

Very measured and accurate post. Listen to this op.
I do not for one moment believe the “I didn’t promise anyone anything, so I’m not guilty” trope. I am not a dick to other people, for me. Because that matters to me, whether I know them or not.
That said, wider society will absolutely blame op for this man leaving his wife, if he ever did. It’s not fair, it’s not right, but it will happen. There are plenty of women who will blame the OW for “stealing” her man. I don’t believe that either, I believe in personal responsibility, but most of society doesn’t. And you will be judged far more harshly than he is op.

Great post 👏

Well done.
We all make mistakes and none of us don't have a history or a few things we would do differently.
You have done the right thing 💞
Well done and yeah I hope you can find someone nice to have in the future.

It is possible to see a person at work without having an affair with them, you know.

You don’t mean "can’t stop", you mean "don’t want to stop so I won’t". Stop fooling yourself. You’re behaving appallingly.

Of course you can stop!!!! Now you just don't want to do so!! Where are your self-respect and morals? How can you do this to another woman?? ? Do you want to break up the home with the children? One of the children is still disabled. I don't think you understand at all, how much it takes to take care of a disabled child. It's a completely different thing to take care of a normal child than a disabled one. It requires so much more from you, both mentally and psychologically.

The mother of the children has no time for herself, she has dedicated her life to her children. That is respectable. It's hard to take care of disable child. I believe, that the woman certainly loves her husband and that they have a loving relationship and sex regularly. Even if the man tells you otherwise. This is what 90% of cheaters do. The man will never respect or love you. To him, you are just an exciting change. You are never the first in a man's eyes. His own family, i.e. his wife and children, always come first.

Some men want to test, whether they are still desirable in the eyes of others or are constantly looking for excitement. I can never understand why a woman would consciously put herself in your position. Do you really want to be that dirty secret, the one that is ashamed and does not want to be revealed. The one that is met in secret from the eyes of others. I hope you understand, that the man's interest to you will soon end and he will leave you. The man DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

Think for a moment about the children and the mother of the children. How would you feel, if you found out that your husband was cheating on you? And you would give everything for your children and husband? You would imagine, that everything was fine. You would respect your husband and you would have a loving relationship and sex regularly. Think for at least 5 minutes about how that would make you feel.

What would you advise your friend to do in a similar situation? I hope you have enough morals to demand that your friend end the relationship IMMEDIATELY. The man's family and friends will never accept you, even if it your dyrty secret comes out. The children will hate you, and they will not want to see you, and may never see their father again. Do you really want the children's relationship with their father to be jeopardized? Do you want to deprive the children of a father and a home?
The older the children are, the more likely they are to want to cut off all ties with the parent who cheated.

If you ask your friends or family for their opinion, I believe they would all demand that you end the relationship immediately. Right now you are only thinking about yourself, you are really selfish. You should really think about man's children and his wife, how they would feel.

I guess you also want to have a real relationship? Where you are truly loved. Now you are anything but. Don't you want to introduce a new, free man to your family and friends? What you are experiencing now is not real love. It's ridiculous thrill seeking and compulsively holding on to someone who will never be yours. A man who doesn't truly love you, who will never put you first. Think rationally for once and end the relationship. And think about the children, you don't want to break their family and their image of their father, do you? You can walk away. You're only lying yourselves.