Can’t stop this affair

[HallieConstancex]

I have been seeing a man for over a year and a half. He has a family (partner & 2 children). I’m not here for sympathy, I know I need to let go.

his reasons for not leaving are his oldest daughter has a severe disability so his partner has given up work and he provides everything for them, so can’t just leave.

he knows me better than anyone, yet I know I deserve to be taken out, showed off etc, instead of someone’s secret.

I can’t do no contact, I have to see him every month at work. It’s not a situation where either of us can leave but I won’t get into it as it’s outing. How am I ever supposed to move on when he has to be in my life for atleast another year?

I knew someone like this, she was actually a sweet naive person, started having an affair with a married man (she didn't actually know in the beginning,) he kept her on the hook for 20 years, during which time she missed any opportunity to meet someone else and have a family.. she just sat at home having the crumbs, never going out. She became an elderly (way before her time,,,) frumpy recluse.. it ate her up, she had nervous breakdowns and always looked ill. This isn't you,you have a job,a future, not with him!

lets say what is going on in his domestic life is true. He probably sees you as a bit of a release from a stressful time in his ”real” life. He doesn’t see you as the person for whom he will ditch his real life.

Carry on being charitable and giving him a bit of distraction from his life if that is what you want to do, but do it knowing that that is all it is. How many years will you keep this up for? How many years will you put your life on hold to do this charity work? How do you reconcile your charity work with knowing that is not a “doing goo” exercise to make you feel good, knowing that his family could get hurt?

Of course he’s awful. So are you.

If his child wasn’t disabled and his wife was working there would be another excuse.
if it wasn’t you it would be another woman!

Pull your head out of your arse and end it. Move on with someone who is available.

There is a podcast called The Affair, you should listen to it. People tell their stories from all perspectives.

It could be worse
I could be his wife
And if I was, I would come looking for you, and then destroy you and publicly humiliate you in every which way I possibly could. Then I'd start with him next. Not all wives would sit at home crying when they found out.

Think about that one, when your justifying your seedy, activities.

Don't you think his wife has enough to contend with With a disabled child?

He doesn't want a future with you, you silly woman. He wants a distraction from his everyday life, and your silly enough to provide it. If he wanted you, he'd have left by now.

Bloody hell, ease up. She’s blocked him. But also, director anger at him.

We by is the focus on this woman by so many posters? Sure, she deserves anger if you were the scorned wife, but more do than the treacherous cunt of a husband?! No.

This post is insane. 🤭

I did say I would deal with him next and his consequences would be much worse. There both as bad as each other, both have zero thought on the impact on the kids.

People like you make my blood boil. No respect for yourself or anyone

If it was the betrayed wife posting, everybody would have focused on him.

OP chose to post here, and tried to justify choosing to continue an affair with this married man. That’s why the focus is on her. The only reason she’d be let off the hook would be if she had no agency whatsoever in this situation…but that would be a pretty insulting assumption to make about her.

Luckily the “robust” advice has done the trick, she’s blocked him, and hopefully she’ll think twice before getting involved with a married man again in the future.

What awful people both you and him are.

@PigletSanders focus is on her because SHE posted not him and not the betrayed wife so it’s on her and HER actions and behaviours.

The brutal truth about men who have long term affairs..

They lie. They lie a lot. They lie so much that it becomes second nature.
If they wanted to leave, they would.
They have a very dubious moral compass (if they have one at all)
Did I mention they lie?

If he left and you got your dream relationship it wouldn't be what you want because the honeymoon would be over - just like that. His ex wife would assume the role that you used to hold because men like this don't know what they want.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

God. The amount of scorn on this post is horrendous. Human beings are complicated and love and sex are powerful biological drives and needs. Affairs happen; in an ideal world they get nipped in the bud and whatever drove them serves as a lesson.

They are also addictive and the 'can't stop' can be because people are in the grip of addiction. These relationships don't go anywhere good and are destructive and cause distress. The people involved have a responsibility to stop. As is the nature of addiction, harm is done and those involved are powerless over Thier drive to compulsively seek out Thier affair partner. OP please feel free to send a private message and I can give you some advice.

Which post are you referring to?
You can use the "quote" function if that helps.

That’s just an excuse. If he wanted to leave the marriage, he could continue to financially and practically support his wife and child. People do it all the time.

He doesn’t want to leave the marriage.

I wonder if the poster is referring to the rest of us?

My ex husband had an affair, 4 years then left us for her when I found out. My eldest is in councilling 3 years on, I am seeing a therapist, my middle son is in councilling through school. The impact has ruined my life forever as co-parenting post affair is incredibly difficult.

All worth it though for some good sex though wouldn't you agree? 🙄

I get the point. Luckily I have thick skin so I won’t sit and cry about all the names I’ve been called.

for extra context because people are assuming, I already have 3 children so not looking for a partner to give me any more - certainly not looking for that with him.

I think that’s what it started as and why it worked, for both of us not just for him. He was someone I could get a quick fix from (which I’m aware was the same for him). After what happened with my children’s father, I never wanted a man around them ever again. And with him, that could never happen (obviously). So the circumstances worked - however as time has gone on and feelings have developed, and YES I do sit and think about his girlfriend and everything she has given up. I’ll be honest, at first I didn’t. I didn’t think about her at all, only him but I do realise now how much she has given up and what an amazing person she actually is.

It’s done now anyway, I was meant to see him tomorrow, i’ve blocked him and it’s over. I don’t think anything else needs to be said on this post - it’s a shame I can’t delete it 🙃

I don't even get why the child being disabled makes a difference though? Your both still behaving terribly and using that as an excuse for your behavior.

Why did you post in the first place? Genuine question.

'Can't stop this affair, ok I will stop it tomorrow.' 🤣

Ok, I’ve stopped now. 😁

My read from the start felt like she was asking for help to stop. She already knew she was ending it, but was looking for practical advice to ensure that she followed through.

I appreciate I was in the minority from the responses.

Exactly this.

I probably didn’t word my original post correctly - I knew I was supposed to be seeing him this weekend but didn’t want too. Suppose I needed the tough love and harsh words, which have worked. The stories some posters have told as well have really cemented the decision, so it was worth the post.

Just read some of the threads in relationships, you would never cheat again or go with a married man. Some of the stories live rent free in my head. They would break anyone's heart.