Dh says i’m an abusive narcissist, am I? 😔

[Soconfusedaboutitall]

He said this during an argument last week

Dh has a bad temper and I find it so hard to communicate with him these days even if I try to talk gently, he gets really defensive and I don’t want to argue in front of our young dc, so I often send text messages to him. This is generally just practical things about money and bills etc but can be about the way he is with dd (too cross with her in my opinion and I hate it)
He says that he sending all these messages to him i’m an abusive narcissist? Am I? I really want to know as feel confused as to if I am?
He said my messages trigger him and he feels 100% better when I don’t send them. I told him that I send them as literally cannot communicate with him at all and am not going to stand there and do nothing if I disagree with the way he ‘Disciplines’ Dd
He also gets annoyed as I try to section up the money and put some away, otherwise it just all gets spent and I don’t have enough for good, decent food. He said it’s being controlling, is it? If I didn’t do this and try to take charge somehow, we’d be screwed. I don’t want to be the one organising all the finances but he can’t and just spends without a thought.

I want to know if I am what he says I am. I’m willing for us to go to a counsellor to see what they say as I don’t believe I have narcissistic traits at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

I thought you said that your child wouldn’t be aware of anything because arguing is all done via messaging?

Everything hinges on what this shouting to his dd entails.

are we talking about a father who occasionally shouts at his child (who is allowed free reign by his mother) when rude / defiant / ignore very reasonable requests etc by his parents / school etc
or
one that is screaming and shouting at his child regularly and said child is terrified

obviously the op is going to say the former

@Soconfusedaboutitall

That is a terrible, abusive thing to say to you. Did he say this a while ago and did he say it in front of your daughter?

I can well understand why you wouldn’t want her to hear those things and have started texting, but I’m afraid it is the wrong response. You need to leave him.

Can you explain a bit more about this “going home” comment?

Are you living away from family and friends?

Language is always changes. Makes me laugh that it’s the only langue us native brits speak but we still don’t get it. 😂

I agree. They are both relentless, as though they are tag-teaming.

OP has said that she does work.

Mumsnet obviously isn't the right place for you then as we only ever get one side of the story.

Her husband sounds like an abusive twat to me.

OP I was in a dynamic very similar to this, right down to the way he was with my daughter. What I found useful was copying and pasting the conversations into Chat GPT, without telling it which person I was, and asking it to analyse the conversations for signs of emotional abuse and who was being more reasonable.

My hunch is that you're not the abusive one here. But Chat GPT should be able to give you an objective perspective and help you unpick yourself from the confusion.

Edited to say: Please do come back if you need support once you've got your head around this.

I said via message or when she is not there, she was not there during the argument.
It feels like you’re trying to pull me up on something here? There is nothing to pull me up on, i’m not lying about anything, what would be the point of that, Ive come here for advice

I have friends where we are, but away from family. It wasn’t said in front of her, she wasn’t in the house

That’s a good idea, so wish I had done that, thank you

It's interesting isn't it, how the OP responds to some of the nastier posters on this thread, who I think are communicating with her in much the same way that her husband reacts to her when she voices her concerns. She tries to excuse herself and explain and through her words and tone, you can sense how upset she is and how cornered she feels when making these responses.

She sounds like someone who has been living under considerable stress for some time and who is ground down by it. And the fact that he is nice some of the time just confuses her even more, because it gives her a tantalising little taste of how things could be if only she could get through to him and properly discuss the issues they are having.

She desperately needs to talk to someone - GP, counsellor, Womens Aid - so that they can help her to start to rebuild her self-confidence and encourage her to take back some agency. Until that happens, it's pointless telling her to LTB, because at present, she clearly doesn't have the emotional, physical or financial wherewithal to do that and sadly, some posters are causing her to doubt herself even more.

Are you seriously saying that you and your husband never argue in front of or in ear shot of your daughter op?

Yes I have noticed this too.

It's also pointless for her to try finding ways to communicate with her partner, it's impossible to have a productive, rational discussion when you're in a relationship like this. Letting him get his way and appeasing him won't work either, it will just get worse.

I really hope OP takes the advice on board to speak to a professional, like you said either woman's aid, a good GP or a good counsellor. I really feel for her.

I try not to as he doesn’t argue like a normal person would in a healthy way, it all explodes, don’t want her around that

So when you step in and confront him re shouting at your daughter… it doesn’t descend in to an argument right in front of her?

OP you don't have to answer all of these questions if you don't want to.

Not everyone on this thread is trying to help you. Womens aid will have qualified professionals who will be much better able to talk you through your problems. You don't have to commit to anything. Just a quick, anonymous chat with them and they will be much better able to advise you: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

You can’t protect her from this she is 7 she is aware of it all trust me from what I remember at 7

he needs to get anger management therapy or you leave

Thank you 🌷

You still could, unless you've deleted the chats?

OP from someone with a narcissistic family member, the real kind, you don't sound narcissistic.

Narcissists are always always right and rarely introspective. Unless your whole thread is a convoluted gotcha to show your husband then it seems like you are just doing your best.

I can see how your husband's temper and bullying have led to the messaging as a way to minimise verbal blow ups but it just won't work because he doesn't want it to.

He doesn't care that he is scarring you daughter by verbally abusing her under the guise of discipline. He doesn't care that he is leaving you without enough money to buy vegetables after he fritters cash away and he doesn't care that he is mentally torturing you by telling you that you are an abuser so that he doesn't have to face the shit way he behaves. Of course he should be accountable for behaving like an immature selfish bully.

I'm sorry but I don't think you should stay with this man, you would be happier and healthier without him.

What makes you think the child has free reign?

You're getting an unnecessarily hard time on this thread OP. I'd recommend posting in Relationships instead.

Something else to bear in mind is that people who are narcissistic abusers don't tent to self reflect on that fact, or feel bad about it.

I could of wrote that but not nice as you did. It’s so true. Did you come out of the other side tho? Sending you 🥰🥰🥰

Coming back to echo whoever said to contact Women's Aid. They are extremely skilled at recognising the abuse you are suffering and they won't think you silly/over-reacting or any of the other worries.
Unfortunately on this forum there are a number of people who enjoy creating distress to people particularly if they're feeling vulnerable.
Please do talk to some professionals and then you can make an informed decision as to what to do.
Solidarity from someone who managed to leave her abuser many years ago.