Dh says i’m an abusive narcissist, am I? 😔

[Soconfusedaboutitall]

He said this during an argument last week

Dh has a bad temper and I find it so hard to communicate with him these days even if I try to talk gently, he gets really defensive and I don’t want to argue in front of our young dc, so I often send text messages to him. This is generally just practical things about money and bills etc but can be about the way he is with dd (too cross with her in my opinion and I hate it)
He says that he sending all these messages to him i’m an abusive narcissist? Am I? I really want to know as feel confused as to if I am?
He said my messages trigger him and he feels 100% better when I don’t send them. I told him that I send them as literally cannot communicate with him at all and am not going to stand there and do nothing if I disagree with the way he ‘Disciplines’ Dd
He also gets annoyed as I try to section up the money and put some away, otherwise it just all gets spent and I don’t have enough for good, decent food. He said it’s being controlling, is it? If I didn’t do this and try to take charge somehow, we’d be screwed. I don’t want to be the one organising all the finances but he can’t and just spends without a thought.

I want to know if I am what he says I am. I’m willing for us to go to a counsellor to see what they say as I don’t believe I have narcissistic traits at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

There obviously a lot of issues
but in all honesty i wouldn't like the text thing
I’d feel on edge all time time as though I’m being watched and judged then random text pointing out my shortcomings it certainly would trigger me I think I’d block your number

The key thing about being an abusive narcissist is they never question themselves. He is gaslighting you.

OP do you work? Or are the disputes surrounding you not working and portioning off DH’s money and telling him what he can spend it on? I would find that quite controlling, but that doesn’t necessarily make you a narc.

Thoughtful post. It's interesting that so many people now use words that, 20 years ago, only friends who did psychology or wanted to be some sort of psychoanalyst tended to use-narcissist is one, red flag, golden child, triggered, boundaries, enabler, gaslit, darvo etc...my friend has 2 kids who both claim the other is the golden child, so even very young kids are using such terms.

@Soconfusedaboutitall it is tricky to know what’s going on because relationships are so complex. Could you say how your H shouts and the words he uses? Is he shaming of your DD? Does she run or cower away? Is she frightened of him? From what you’ve said he sounds like he struggles to manage feelings of frustration/anger which would really concern me.

She already said she works.

What we don’t know is if he works.

Are you suggesting that it is controlling of her to want to have enough money for food for their child?

I don't understand how you got married and had a child and not had a discussion with each other about finances?

An abusive narcissist is highly unlikely to start this thread. Plus narcissists are actually pretty rare, people just love to throw labels around.

I did read what you said, darling.

What do you think I didn’t read? Or matter of fact, what do you think I “don’t get”?

There is a young child being shouted at by an abusive parent and growing up in a toxic household. The OP’s number 1 priority should be getting her child and herself to safety. Instead it appears that the OP’s priority is to know whether she is a narcissist or not.

This is very concerning. And the way that the OP should get herself and her child out of this horrendous situation is to end the marriage. Yes, it’s not easy to leave a marriage. Yes, it’s not easy to leave an abusive man. But the OP needs to do what is right for the child. And that is to end the marriage and get out of this situation. If she has no support network then there are charities, solicitors, GP’s, Mumsnet it’s self that she can contact.

So God knows how you’ve come to the conclusion that I am “smug” or having “nothing to add”.

What should be added then?

Shall we all pussyfoot around the OP?

Giver her an virtual “hand hold?”

What do you suggest the OP should do to get her and her innocent young child away from this man?

I think the fact you ask the question means no u are not!

Oh just fuck off. This woman is clearly in a relationship with an abusive bully, who’s extending his inadequacy to his daughter too.

I hate shite like this on here.

He doesn't like being pulled up on his bad behaviour, that's all. He thinks you should put up and shut up.

He doesn't like being pulled up on his bad behaviour, that's all. He thinks you should put up and shut up.

He doesn't like being pulled up on his bad behaviour, that's all. He thinks you should put up and shut up.

People dont half overuse the term narcissist these days I had a friend who called everyone a narcissist she had some questionable traits herself.
Maybe sounds a bit passive aggressive arguing through text because your not directly communicating with each other by him shouting losing his temper and yourself saying things through a phone message .
Soundscan good idea to have a third person involved if you cant work the communication out.
I guess we all have traits but I'd say narcissists are cruel controlling false only out for themselves.. Jekyll & Hyde type .
Want to ruin you and bring you down are you any of these .
You dont sound like you are.

I have only read OP's replies.
Don't spend your life walking on eggshells, he already picks on your daughter.
Let him be angry alone.
You cannot communicate with him and it won't improve, he'll continue to turn things on you.

You don’t make much sense. I also think
your trying to deflect & lie on what you
said to me. Your also still sounding smug, Nothing gets past me.

How long did it take you to do that reply? 🙄

When we were arguing, I was crying saying how much I wanted to move back home (he doesn’t want to) and he said they could stay where we are and I could go back alone and die there alone, who even says things like that.

You don’t make much sense either.

Please feel free to directly quote where I have deflected and lied.

Congratulations if nothing gets past you 😂sounding a bit smug there yourself, no?

And, probably a couple of minutes to type it out. What makes you ask?

I didn't mean to trigger you 🍈
keep your comments coming though 🍿🍷

Not triggered at all. We must be on complete different pages here.

I find it quite strange how you won’t answer any of my valid questions. Especially questions relating to the OP and how you would advise her to get out of this toxic situation.

What a complete embarrassment you are. No need for popcorn and wine on a thread like this. Weirdo.

I think you should start making plans to leave him. Start working out how you can make it happen. He’s not going to suddenly change into a nice person. Your DD will be better off living in a calm home without him.

Well we only have your version of all this, if your partner wrote their version would we think differently? I am aware man bad woman good is the usual line on here but not sure what is the truth none of us knows it

This.

Exactly

and a narcissist would be rather adept at pulling the wool over our eyes surely?