Dh says i’m an abusive narcissist, am I? 😔

[Soconfusedaboutitall]

He said this during an argument last week

Dh has a bad temper and I find it so hard to communicate with him these days even if I try to talk gently, he gets really defensive and I don’t want to argue in front of our young dc, so I often send text messages to him. This is generally just practical things about money and bills etc but can be about the way he is with dd (too cross with her in my opinion and I hate it)
He says that he sending all these messages to him i’m an abusive narcissist? Am I? I really want to know as feel confused as to if I am?
He said my messages trigger him and he feels 100% better when I don’t send them. I told him that I send them as literally cannot communicate with him at all and am not going to stand there and do nothing if I disagree with the way he ‘Disciplines’ Dd
He also gets annoyed as I try to section up the money and put some away, otherwise it just all gets spent and I don’t have enough for good, decent food. He said it’s being controlling, is it? If I didn’t do this and try to take charge somehow, we’d be screwed. I don’t want to be the one organising all the finances but he can’t and just spends without a thought.

I want to know if I am what he says I am. I’m willing for us to go to a counsellor to see what they say as I don’t believe I have narcissistic traits at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

We have a separate bank account for food shopping. I pay for groceries in our household, and put £120 across every week to it. Anything further has to come out of our "own pockets". That is, whoever wants extras has to buy it from their non-family bank account. Just a thought.

Why does women standing up to bullies annoy you? 'Superhero', well that's a new one I suppose. "Goading and looking for a fight?" What a strange reply to my siding with an OP.

Great message. Completely agree and had a similar experience to you

Also you start to message otherwise they tell you that you didn’t say something, or that’s not what they said or did. It’s stops me from thinking I’m going crazy when communicating with my dad (I genuinely at one point questioned whether I had memory loss, the gaslighting was that effective)

I don’t think OP is being unreasonable - her partner wants her to stop sending the messages as it’s proof of his abuse and he can’t control her if he can’t intimidate her verbally. But he’s managed to control her and ensure her silence by making the messages an issue.

I don’t understand why you are getting such a harsh time on here. It’s clear to me he’s using DARVO. Please do the freedom program with woman’s aid that will help clarify for you the reality of your situation- best to do with other women in a group not online alone. If you can sit through that and still not sure then he may have a point but from the information you give here I think he’s deflecting.

I actually had very similar experiences with the texting because if I tried o speak verbally he got angry and aggressive. I genuinely wasn’t sure what was true. I left my ex when he hurt my dd. Did the freedom program and realised I was being abused and he’d been physically and sexually abusing me and making me believe I’d driven him to it and that he wasn’t the problem I was. I even posted on a forum like this asking for advice and got a load of shit over it because I’d only given half the facts even anonymously I covers up the worst of him so for others it looks like you are in the wrong. Then when you drop feed the go seat truth people who haven’t lived through abuse and don’t understand give you a hard time.

please do the freedom program and look up DARVO. No one online really k no Ed the truth and there are people here who just like to find fault with an op. Then is we accept you are being abused you will get shit for not leaving sooner and protecting your child. You need the advice and opinion of those who understand abuse please speak to woman’s aid.

it does sound like he’s at fault here to me but as others have said we don’t know if you are hounding him with criticism for trying to disapline a child you let run riot. Although how anyone can read he’s leaving you without money for proper food and think this is your fault beggars belief to me

It sounds more like he is. He sounds very ‘hard work’.

Agree 100% about having a record of what was said/agreed @Dannydevitoiloveyourart - had forgotten that one. My dad would deny he said black was white, even if I recorded him saying it. It was like living with Donald Trump, and I don't mean that as a funny, cute joke.

You're also right that this is how the OP's partner silences her further. It's just such a horrible place to be, I have been there, and I wish OP was getting more support on this thread.

It would really annoy me to be texted in the way you describe. But I'd also hate to be so afraid to communicate normally with my DH that I resorted to it. Communication sounds absolutely awful. If he's this bad tempered and you're always on egg shells then it sounds like neither of you are happy in this marriage and don't bring out the best in each other.

I also spotted it right away…

I assume those posters bullying OP are abusers or have no experience of ever been abused. (I can’t imagine what there teaching there kids) Either way it sucks. 😡🙄

You didn’t read what I said or you
don’t get it. I hate to say it but you sound smug , having nothing to add & are not been helpful.

not all mums have a support network or can just do the other things you say. You cheeky have no idea how abuse works 🙄

I’m living through it darling so I feel I can show empathy to the OP and call out bullies also 👍

I also think there are increasing posts from people who just want to say something nasty, does not really matter what it is about. I would hope MN starts to look more carefully at this, because it is really changing MN. Its one thing not to agree with the OP. Or express yourself forcefully. But some of the responses are so out there, its hard to believe they are made from good intent.

Abusive narcissistic exDP had a habit of accusing me of his own faults......

Someone getting angry when you try to budget for food around their spending and ask them not to shout at your child, and then accusing you of being abusive when you try to find another way to communicate does not sound like a great partner.

poor you. Sane is happening to me. I think its like an “ accusation is a confession “when they accuse you of doing to them what there doing to you

He's an abusive shit and he gets angry if you ever dare to question his dominance over you.

It's not you, it's him.

@Soconfusedaboutitall just wanted to add one more voice saying I'm so sorry some people are being so nasty to you. I can't imagine what agenda they have but they are clearly not trying to help.

I can absolutely understand why you're unable to have a calm discussion with him, having been there myself. Maybe some people can't imagine what it's like to be in an abusive relationship with a manipulator. If you're not able to communicate without him shouting at you or threatening you or calling you names etc etc that's a very clear sign that he's abusing you.

I really don't think you are the problem here. Do give woman's aid a call, there are professionals who can help you. Sending hugs

Quite clearly OP, you do not think you are an ”abusive narcissist”.

So are you planning on messaging your husband with a link to the thread?

So just to be clear, OP is to challenge him at the time, but not challenge him at the time, and talk to him at some other undefined moment when he doesn't want to talk, and she's to talk to him about her objections to his shouting but also isn't to tell him anything he's doing wrong as far as she's concerned.

And put herself in more danger? She needs to call Womens Aid for advice because the more she posts, the more dangerous he sounds.

OP you are doing the right thing. My father was like this to me, plus some. My mother never stood up to him and stopped it. It's effected me my entire life. You stand up to the arsehole and protect your child.

You're not a narcissist.

If you were, you would be utterly convinced you're in the right and he's wrong, not worrying about being a narcissist, and here trying to work it out.

@ OP, Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is an actual thing. In theory, you could go to your GP and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. However, in an argument I doubt your husband is really referring to a complex mental health condition. The issue is, your post could be interpreted as you trying to check whether you're mad. Someone telling you that you're insane is, frankly, abusive itself.

On the other hand, bombarding a person with texts (when you clearly don't have their consent to do so), being quite kind of heightened around money, frequently expressing your frustration at their parenting styles, that's also not great.

The pair of you sound like you've got a big problem, and you seem quite anxious to me. Is it at all possible for you to self-refer yourself (or ask your GP to refer you) for a short course of talking therapy, just for you, so you're able to chat through things with someone else and get an outside perspective. It seems as if you need to strengthen yourself a bit first before you're able to really think through your next steps.

Absolutely, I don't know what's wrong with some of the posters on this thread. It's quite upsetting. Either people have never dealt with a verbally abusive partner before or they are trolling. I really hope the OP takes the well -meaning advice of those who can see the danger she's in.

You have no relationship with this man.

70% of communication is non verbal, your DC knows you're unhappy and he's angry.

Personally I'd see him as a lost cause and make my own way in life without the millstone pulling me down. You have resorted to the only form of communication you had and now can't even do that...wtf

You are not a nacissist. He is abusive.

She’s been messaging him post arguments for years

Nope. Its in the original post

I find it so hard to communicate with him these days even if I try to talk gently, he gets really defensive

Since abuse often starts or escalates when a woman is pregnant or has small children, this is another concerning sign.