Dh says i’m an abusive narcissist, am I? 😔

[Soconfusedaboutitall]

He said this during an argument last week

Dh has a bad temper and I find it so hard to communicate with him these days even if I try to talk gently, he gets really defensive and I don’t want to argue in front of our young dc, so I often send text messages to him. This is generally just practical things about money and bills etc but can be about the way he is with dd (too cross with her in my opinion and I hate it)
He says that he sending all these messages to him i’m an abusive narcissist? Am I? I really want to know as feel confused as to if I am?
He said my messages trigger him and he feels 100% better when I don’t send them. I told him that I send them as literally cannot communicate with him at all and am not going to stand there and do nothing if I disagree with the way he ‘Disciplines’ Dd
He also gets annoyed as I try to section up the money and put some away, otherwise it just all gets spent and I don’t have enough for good, decent food. He said it’s being controlling, is it? If I didn’t do this and try to take charge somehow, we’d be screwed. I don’t want to be the one organising all the finances but he can’t and just spends without a thought.

I want to know if I am what he says I am. I’m willing for us to go to a counsellor to see what they say as I don’t believe I have narcissistic traits at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

In a follow yo says that been doing it for a few years but stopped “last week” since the big argument and it’s been “better” since no messaging

Oo. The Husband has arrived!
Hello Mr Abusive.

It's only 'better' for him though. He's silenced her and now she has no way to communicate with him as he won't talk face to face without turning it into an argument.

Sadly, that was my exact thought.

Talk to Women’s Aid and probably your GP. In my case both were extremely helpful.

You need to get you and your dd away from him op. You are in no way a narcissist. If he won't communicate verbally how else can you tell him what's bothering you? It's not controlling to need enough money for food.
He's definitely a bully. It's not normal to scream at a 7 year old unless you're trying to prevent an accident.
If you separate he probably won't scream at her, he maybe does it because he knows it hurts you. At least 50% of the time probably more she will be with you and in a happy, calm environment that's got to be better than now.

No they don’t

There are not enough red flags out there for this.
Seriously. Speak to womens aid. Ltb.

But it has been going on for years
That was my point

What on earth is your DD doing that is causing all this upset? I know kids can be “trying” and will play one off against the other, but what is it that she’s doing that is causing these issues between you, as her parents?

When you're shouted at like this you can become frightened. Your heart beats fast, adrenaline rushes in, you close down. I understand the texting because it's remote feels safer than face to face. Trouble is it's even more frightening for a child. It's a form of control. They prefer face to face because you fold.

What are you hoping to get from this thread? The response has been mixed as people can see both sides even if everyone had agreed with you it resolves nothing. Texting from you and shouting and screaming from him neither are effective ways to communicate if you have got beyond being able to have a civilised conversation it's going to be difficult to find a way back have you considered couple counselling?

Hang your head in shame. A child is not responsible for how her dad behaves. I hope you don’t have kids!

Are you buy any chance the dad or his mate? 🤔

Sadly MN is a vicious site for kicking the threads from abused women.

The most vile abusive behaviour of men is regularly excused and mansplained away.

I skim read more and more.

I’m sorry OP, but this sounds unbearable for you to live under such a level of control that you are not able to communicate in any way your concerns, even when you think your daughter is being mistreated.

I think it would be very helpful for the purposes of this thread if you could outline an example in detail.

What exactly is your daughter doing wrong and what is his reaction to it :
words he uses and volume,
calm or emotional etc.
is he violent? Either with objects in the room or physically with you or your DD?
Is he physically intimidating by getting up close, grabbing, shaking ypur Dd?
How many times per day is this happening?

You mentioned that you don’t have enough money for food but you work. Is it possible for you to keep money for food yourself before putting the rest into an account he can access?

Does he work?

Finally, has he ever been violent towards you? Or are you afraid he will be if you were to continue the conversations with him?

She is trying to control his behaviour because he has no self control (like the selfish , possibly abusive man child that he is). She’s doing it for the good of the family/household. Someone has to after all. She needs to realise that not only is it not working, or a healthy dynamic in a relationship, but she can’t control or change him. That this is it.

I imagine because she doesn’t feel listened to or heard. Really difficult to verbally express disagreement on parenting when kid can hear and also avoid arguing which also upsets kid. I don’t think this is narcissistic at all but clearly communication problem in the marriage. Can you agree a time for talking after your dd has gone to sleep? As an alternative to texting? Maybe you can text yourself instead/put a note on your phone to help you express yourself in the moment with the intention of talking to your husband later. I think the texting is a form of release as you don’t feel able to talk to him.

The responses are mixed because there are some nasty people about but also the description of what is going on is vague.

And have changed enormously since the op where he got “cross” with their daughter and the messages were “generally about” bills

It's not really mixed. 87% have voted that OP INBU. I would think that would give OP some clarity on the situation she's trying to deal with. Sometimes these threads help to open an OPs eyes when they are told it's not them.

Language nowadays is gone ridiculous- people throw out a label to shut people up/ make themselves feel better. You should be able to talk to your dh, text messages aren’t working but him not listening to you- he’d feel 💯 better? So he’d feel better if you didn’t talk to him about issues?

No it doesn't sound as if you're an abusive narcissist in the slightest

Let me get this straight

He shouts at your young child. If you pull him up at the time, he shouts at you. So you message to try and have a calm conversation about it, but he 'cant cope' with that either, as you're pointing out his horrific parenting

He spends all the family money on what he wants and you cant afford to feed yourself properly

He's accusing you of being an abusive narcissist, but you're basically not allowed to have a grown up conversation with him, nor communicate via text, therefore eendering you mute in the relationship?

And people here think you're the bad one?

@Soconfusedaboutitall He is the narcissist. He is projecting. People who have never dealt with one have no idea. So don't take their advice.

I used to do this with my ex. Message him about him being too harsh on the kids. It was texts because i didn't want to escalate the bad situation into a shouting match in front of dc, but had to try and make him see somehow that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Obviously it doesn't work. He will never see hes doing anything wrong. So you tie yourself into knots trying to make him see sense and parent positively, but all you end up doing is exhausting yourself and eventually accepting the unacceptable out of wanting to keep the peace or knowing that nothing matters.
I think this is just a tip of the iceberg. Educate yourself on narcissism. Once you see it, you cant unsee it. And you might want to think about leaving him to protect your daughter.

True the in the OP, she used the word “cross”.

She also said in the first paragraph

“Dh has a bad temper and I find it so hard to communicate with him these days even if I try to talk gently, he gets really defensive and I don’t want to argue in front of our young dc, so I often send text messages to him.”

What I make of all of that and the use of the word cross, is that the OP is very submissive type, who is brow-beaten and is a poor communicator who is being really indirect. I suspect this is born out of a massive lack of confidence and insecurity, due to being (at the least), emotionally abused.

Other people have taken a very different interpretation.

Either could be correct, but this is why I’ve asked for more detail.

What I don’t think is helpful and is extremely odd on this thread, is that if there is even a chance of abuse, that people are laying into the OP, rather than asking for some clarification.

For the money situation you need to sit and jointly work out bills spends and savings.

Do you both contribute equally or is one the main earner? Do you combine money or have bills you are each responsible for ?

Spending is obviously an issue and causing your both resentment.