Dh says i’m an abusive narcissist, am I? 😔

[Soconfusedaboutitall]

He said this during an argument last week

Dh has a bad temper and I find it so hard to communicate with him these days even if I try to talk gently, he gets really defensive and I don’t want to argue in front of our young dc, so I often send text messages to him. This is generally just practical things about money and bills etc but can be about the way he is with dd (too cross with her in my opinion and I hate it)
He says that he sending all these messages to him i’m an abusive narcissist? Am I? I really want to know as feel confused as to if I am?
He said my messages trigger him and he feels 100% better when I don’t send them. I told him that I send them as literally cannot communicate with him at all and am not going to stand there and do nothing if I disagree with the way he ‘Disciplines’ Dd
He also gets annoyed as I try to section up the money and put some away, otherwise it just all gets spent and I don’t have enough for good, decent food. He said it’s being controlling, is it? If I didn’t do this and try to take charge somehow, we’d be screwed. I don’t want to be the one organising all the finances but he can’t and just spends without a thought.

I want to know if I am what he says I am. I’m willing for us to go to a counsellor to see what they say as I don’t believe I have narcissistic traits at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

Always too emotional and bad temper but relationship wasnt like this until the last few years
I don’t message anymore and basically keep quiet and accept things as they are

No one on a forum can tell you if you’re an abusive narcissist or not. Mumsnet will always lean toward assuming the man is the abusive partner but without knowing who you are and what you’re saying/doing, no one here can know. You’re obviously having a lot of trouble communicating with each other though so if you want to fix this, you’ll need therapy (either together or separately).

You can change your behaviour

But if that means saying nothing and letting him make you miserable then do something eg leave

Generally about bills and how we have to go easy with daily spending as won’t have enough
Or about Dd and that she’s upset he shouts at her etc and he shouldn’t-is that abusive and narcissistic? I don’t know, but I don’t want her being shouted at 😞

basically keep quiet and accept things as they are

Which means he has now got things the way he wants.

He doesn't want you to criticise him, ever. Not verbally, not in text, not in sign language or smoke signals or Egyptian hieroglyphics.
He wants you to shut up and let him do whatever he wants.

There is no relationship if you cannot communicate.
Add to that his financial incontinence, you would be better off ending it for good.

Do real narcissists ever question if they are narcissistic? Im not so sure.

So he’s shutting down the only way you can communicate about things that are vaguely critical of him?
he’s flipping it back on you as your fault for his behaviour.

I too do the text thing. We’ve always got little ears around due to a small house so it’s just easier. Doesn’t descend into arguing, just meaningful conversation where we are both respectful and honest.

If you’re only messaging to avoid his temper then he’s basically trying to cut off all avenues for you to assert yourself. It sounds really toxic and like you would be better off well out of it, and I don’t believe you are narcissistic or being unreasonable from what you have written.

So now you don’t message?

But this argument was last week. So do you mean you haven’t messages since the big blow up last week?

If someone - anyone - shouts at your child you speak up there and then. (You say you have DC but that she shouts at DD - how many children? Does he shout just at your DD?)

You must speak up for her and protect her.

Hae you asked him how HE would prefer you to communicate concerns with him? Because he doesn't want you to do so verbally. And he doesn't want you to do so in writing? What is he hoping for? Psychic transfer?

Of course, reality is that he just doesn't want you to ever challenge him. In a healthy relationship, if he disagrees with you about spending or parenting you'd have a conversation about it. And either reach some kind of compromise or agreement, or, if there was no reasonable way you can get on th esame page, and that happens consistently, then you realise the relationship isn't working.

His way is that he does whatever he wnats and you don't get a say.

Well, we all know that as women we simply can't be wrong, and it's ALWAYS the man's fault. 🙄

Oh ignore @nomas
Anyone disagreeing with an OP (or @nomas ) is “triggered” or “projecting” or “are you the ex?” Nonsense

Yes, if a woman was trying to get through a working day and her DH kept messaging her telling her she was parenting wrong, and needed to watch her spending, he'd be the abusive narcissist without a doubt.

Yes not even to him at work, want to see if this changes things

Ha, no idea who you are but I have never used the words “triggered” or “projecting” or “are you the ex?" on MN so you must have me confused with someone else.

If you find even one instance of it, I will eat my hat.

Just Dd, I do at the time also then text saying how bad it is to do etc, he says this is me attacking his parenting and putting him down etc

Spot on

That’s what it feels like and the more upset I get about it, the more messages I send as I’m frustrated and he then says this is me being an abusive narcissist?

For god’s sake, stop that.

You ARE attacking his parenting and putting him down. Saying something at the time, and then go on to hammer the point home and put in writing to him? Why do you feel the need to do it?

Right, so he is singling out your daughter from the other children for verbal abuse. A double whammy. He is being awful. And she will know that her father treats her differently. And she will know that no one is standing up for her.

Are you safe?

I don’t think a counsellor will take sides or tell you you’re wrong.

You think it’s fine for him to single out his DD to shout at? And for no one to stand up for her?

I’d lose all patience with you and your messages and want you to leave me the fuck alone too.

You make your point and undermine him in front of the child, then message him afterwards that he was wrong. Why?

And now you’re wondering why he’s defensive?

You seem to be really hung up on the label - 'abusive narcissist'. Only a trained professional can diagnose you/your partner, no one here is qualified or has sufficient information to hazard a guess or make an assessment, so perhaps stop asking folks if your behavior is narcissistic/abusive? In any case, labeling behavior that (or any other way) isn't going to help your situation.

There are clearly serious issues in your marriage - perhaps get some professional help to sort those out.