Dh says i’m an abusive narcissist, am I? 😔

[Soconfusedaboutitall]

He said this during an argument last week

Dh has a bad temper and I find it so hard to communicate with him these days even if I try to talk gently, he gets really defensive and I don’t want to argue in front of our young dc, so I often send text messages to him. This is generally just practical things about money and bills etc but can be about the way he is with dd (too cross with her in my opinion and I hate it)
He says that he sending all these messages to him i’m an abusive narcissist? Am I? I really want to know as feel confused as to if I am?
He said my messages trigger him and he feels 100% better when I don’t send them. I told him that I send them as literally cannot communicate with him at all and am not going to stand there and do nothing if I disagree with the way he ‘Disciplines’ Dd
He also gets annoyed as I try to section up the money and put some away, otherwise it just all gets spent and I don’t have enough for good, decent food. He said it’s being controlling, is it? If I didn’t do this and try to take charge somehow, we’d be screwed. I don’t want to be the one organising all the finances but he can’t and just spends without a thought.

I want to know if I am what he says I am. I’m willing for us to go to a counsellor to see what they say as I don’t believe I have narcissistic traits at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are the DH or his bestie? 🙄

Really?

We're never going to know on the basis of what any OP tells us about themselves

Yes, if a woman was trying to get through a working day and her DH kept messaging her telling her she was parenting wrong, and needed to watch her spending, he'd be the abusive narcissist without a doubt

If you continue to message anyone after they've told you to stop, then that is pretty abusive

Agreed he is abusive to the daughter. However...

However is not agreeing.

What a unkind and judgy question

she came ro Get advise but I’m classic style she gets narc comments on here

Yes really.

But you carry on digging out the posts that don't show me telling the OP she needs to leave him for the sake of their daughter.

I expect it makes you feel less silly if you don't quote them.

How do you suggest she takes up your amazing advise then? Her and her hubby have lots of ties to each other. We are not talking about a young couple with no kids who rent or live with there parents. It’s not easy to up and leave when you’re married/kids/mortgage. If it was then OP wouldn’t come on here to get help🙄

I looked up Darvo. It’s totally a thing. It’s men who usually use it on women but like so many get away with it, tells you that the UK isn’t as modern and equal as we think it is.,,,

Have you ever tried to communicate with a man with a really nasty and, on occasion, violent temper who doesn't believe that you have the right to a say in things that are happening in your own marriage? No, thought not! The OP says in the first line of her post that her husband has a nasty temper, which makes normal communication impossible. There is an abusive narcissist in the marriage and it isn't the OP!

In what planet is SHE controlling? She’s literally trying to get him to budget (he spends so much on him) not so that she can have money to get her nails/hair done but so that her kids can eat well. She should not have to tell a groan man to not be selfish,

I’m flipping it right back at you. 👍🤔

Do you honestly think that this current set up is healthy for the 3 of them? Life is way too fucking short to be walking on egg shells and living in a toxic environment with a young child.

But to answer your question, she can go and see a solicitor for some legal advice on divorce and custody.

She can ask her “hubby”🙄calmly to have a sit down discussion. If he responds by shouting at her and being argumentative then she can contact WomensAid or any domestic abuse charity for support. Failing that, she can reach out and confide in family, friends, colleagues in real life.

The OP fails to see how this marriage is toxic and damaging for both her and her child. She made the thread for opinions on if she was a “narcissist” or not. My advice was that she ends this awful marriage. Is that ok?

Is anyone else thinking wtf is happening here?

I’m watching two people bully the OP ( @smallpinecone and @Hardgum81 ) and barely anyone is saying anything.

OP, you don’t need to answer to put up this. They can sense your vulnerability and are ganging up on you.

Touched a nerve have I? Why do you people always resort to 'reading comprehension' and 'you look silly' comments? You said yes he's abusive, however...then went on to say how it's actually the OP who's abusive.

Agreed he is abusive to the daughter
However, continually messaging someone when they've told you to stop, is also abusive

Why in the name of God can you not talk to each other, in the same room, even when furious? Farming out an important discussion between spouses to texting strikes me as the extreme end of bizarro.
(And anyway, habitual texters have infuriating and misleading dependence upon abbreviations such as LOL, haven’t they, and heaven knows, this stuff can land very badly. Your husband may be thinking you are ten times more / less in earnest than you really are. Dead risky way to navigate marriage rapids)

I guess anyone can DARVO anyone else to be fair. But it is particularly concerning in an intimate partnership where there are other signs which might indicate abuse.

Not liking communication by text is perfectly ok - I would not like it either. But not being able to speak about differences at all is very worrisome. It may be that OP is not entirely in the right and her partner is not totally in the wrong. I certainly think a lot of men feel that their partners dont feel they have an equal right to have opinions about parenting etc. However, without the couple being open to discussion and compromise, this cant be explored - and no relationship can be healthy in these circumstances.

Yeah, I've called them both bullies. There's another one that needs a watching.

True - the writing might be all too much.

Yeah, OP, tread carefully - hard gum has been aggressive to quite a few thread starters today. I don’t have premium so can’t say for sure, but can’t see that username posting before today. Trolls do try and goad people on mumsnet. Just take everyone with a pinch of salt. And notice who is posting - it can be easy to feel like there’s a consensus when it’s actually just one person posting frequently and angrily. Hope everything works out for you.

@nomas @redjeans28 Thank you, I noticed the same

Oh you are being silly today aren't you?

Do you realise you've made 7 posts on this thread and absolutely all of them are just criticising other people's posts?

You've given absolutely no advice to the OP whatsoever, instead you've just chosen to disrupt her thread for your own weird purpose.

Your refusal to search out and quote my posts advising the OP that her husband is abusive and she needs to leave him, just shows who you really are.

Not a pretty sight to be honest, so I'm not going to allow you to pull my pigtails anymore.

That way the OP can have her thread back on track.

Spending money on cigarettes, lunches and coffee for yourself and not leaving enough for your child to have proper dinners is completely selfish and narcissistic! Total DARVO! Honestly you need to either go to counselling and see if he will see sense or leave him - the fairest way a lot of people find is to have an account for groceries, bills and kid related things and then a set amount that goes into each person’s individual account for spending money do both partners have equal fun/cigarette money! I hope he doesn’t smoke around you or your daughter! If he keeps shouting at her you do need to leave, that is not okay!

You’re on here calling people bullies trying to play superhero yet the comments you’ve posted are just as bad. You come across like you’re goading, looking for a fight, picking apart what people are saying. If you want to police people’s behaviour check your own first

Other posters have said exactly what I'm thinking/would say. I don't have to say anything. I've really got you rattled haven't I?

instead you've just chosen to disrupt her thread

No you don't get to make up lies. Instead I have shown support to OP by standing up to bullies.

You can't have a relationship by text.

Come on. You don’t know me at all so how would you know that? And then have the arrogance to say no in response?

Yea I have many times.

Having a temper also doesn’t mean you can’t communicate with them when they aren’t angry.

Your post is presumptive, inaccurate, without base and filled with lack of knowledge.

I've reported their goady behaviour so MNHQ can look into them.

Best to ignore now I think.

Hi OP, you're getting a hard time on here so I wanted to say: I had an abusive, narc dad. I can understand why you can't speak to your partner and resort to messages - because he's completely incapable of any sort of reasonable discussion, as he sees everything as an 'attack'. If you've never lived with someone like this it's hard to comprehend, but I do get it. Completely.

My dad would also accuse all of us - me, my mum, my brother, my uncles, anyone really - of doing the things that HE did. So we were abusive, we were narcs, we were 'screaming' at him, we were unreasonable, hysterical, out to attack him etc etc

We were none of those things. Ever.

But being in a relationship with someone like that sends you a bit mad. You question reality. The gaslighting works so well, that you think - oh, maybe it IS me.

And you stay in an abusive relationship trying all sorts of frankly batshit things (like texting rather than talking) because you believe them when they say - it's YOUR fault, YOU'RE the one with the problem.

OP, get out. It will only get worse. You cannot reason with someone who is unreasonable.

And please, please ignore the trolls on this thread who are clearly in the same league as your partner. They're really not worth the headspace.