Dh says i’m an abusive narcissist, am I? 😔

[Soconfusedaboutitall]

He said this during an argument last week

Dh has a bad temper and I find it so hard to communicate with him these days even if I try to talk gently, he gets really defensive and I don’t want to argue in front of our young dc, so I often send text messages to him. This is generally just practical things about money and bills etc but can be about the way he is with dd (too cross with her in my opinion and I hate it)
He says that he sending all these messages to him i’m an abusive narcissist? Am I? I really want to know as feel confused as to if I am?
He said my messages trigger him and he feels 100% better when I don’t send them. I told him that I send them as literally cannot communicate with him at all and am not going to stand there and do nothing if I disagree with the way he ‘Disciplines’ Dd
He also gets annoyed as I try to section up the money and put some away, otherwise it just all gets spent and I don’t have enough for good, decent food. He said it’s being controlling, is it? If I didn’t do this and try to take charge somehow, we’d be screwed. I don’t want to be the one organising all the finances but he can’t and just spends without a thought.

I want to know if I am what he says I am. I’m willing for us to go to a counsellor to see what they say as I don’t believe I have narcissistic traits at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

*By sending all these messages to him

He gets help for his bad temper or you split.
Does not matter what he calls you or not.
No one needs to live with a bad tempered individual who tries to police you .
Go see a therapist on your own and work out what you want for your life first.

Sounds like projection and gaslighting! My ex (who had a diagnosed personality disorder) constantly accused me of things he was doing/feeling. Read up on narcissistic abuse - you'll soon figure out who is one.

But does it sound like i’m an abusive narcissist?
He says he gets angry as my messages trigger him

No, you're not. He's just using the usual words of the script. Read up on DARVO too.

This all sounds utterly ghastly

poor children

Child has no idea, all arguments through text or I try to communicate like a normal adult when she’s not there, but it blows up into an argument

But I can see how sending lots of messages arguing etc could be awful, I’ve stopped that, but now can’t really put any point of view over at all
What is Darvo please?

Trust me op
Your children will fully aware that their parents’s marriage is rotten

All these men adopting cod psychology as extra ammunition to bully and humiliate their wives and partners. I'd bet my house he doesn't even know what a narcissist is. Pathetic.

Your kids will be aware of it, whether or not the arguing happens f2f or over text.

What are you doing to extricate yourself from this dreadful marriage?

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

I’m not sure the messaging him about stuff is great as people often don’t filter on text messages…. They can read as short and snappy easily. And does he need to know that stuff there and then or is it just that it’s convenient to you to tell him then.

is there a better way to communicate ie a shared. Ie a file he can check when it’s convenient to him? Maybe ask him to suggest how he’d like to recieve the info?

is money tight and you risk running out of food. Maybe you’re buying fancier food and he’s genuinely happy with cheaper. Neither is right or wrong but people have different priorities. Can you sit down and budget together?

TBH no-one can tell you the answer to that.

The terms abuse, Narcissist and triggering are far too overused in the world as it is. But without knowing what is being said in these text messages nobody can say what is or isn’t.

And in truth as no-one is there nobody can judge.

TBH though, I would think that if someone was seeking validation from others to tell them they’re not abusive that they probably were, and were going to use this validation as a point to throw back at the other person in the future “I asked x and they said I wasn’t” is the kind of shit my ex used to throw back at me, and he most definitely was abusive.

Also, if someone was having arguments with me by text I would block them.

I wouldn’t be taking orders from anyone on how to deal with my children, and certainly not as what is essentially written instructions.

https://www.keystonelaw.com/keynotes/understanding-darvo-what-is-abusive-gaslighting-and-coercive-behaviour-in-a-relationship

OP gently there is no way on this planet we can tell if you are or not from that brief description. You are both antagonistic and doing things to wind each other up purposefully.

Calling someone names isn’t okay. Continually doing things they don’t like isn’t okay. You both need to find a way to productively communicate with each other.

Exactly

and let’s face it - if the Op is an abusive narcissist… she’s hardly likely to convey that on her own thread is she?!

Neither one of your approaches sound great, to be truthful.

Its all very well just writing him off as abusive, but what part do you play in this?

You say he’s defensive and so you can’t have a discussion with him - is he on high alert waiting for criticism? If you received a barrage of critical texts when you’d done something he didn’t like I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t like it either. And all this negativity is memorialised in writing. It’s not something you can forget or move on from. It’s an immature way for two adults to communicate.

This is what you need help with, urgently. There are different ways of communicating with someone and people can learn to do it differently; it takes practice and a willingness to try and to learn.

DH’s discipline style is different to mine, but that doesn’t mean that his is wrong, or ineffective. It’s just different.

And the money situation - again, you both could be wrong. Your priorities and ideas of good, decent food may be totally different to his. Maybe he thinks you spend excessively on food. Maybe he’d spend too much on junk. Who knows? But you can’t resolve anything until you get to counselling sharpish and be willing to learn how to communicate differently and better, because this isn’t working for anyone, and you owe it to your child to try.

You don't like the way he parents.

You don't like the way he talks to you.

You don't like the way he behaves.

And the list goes on . .

Your response to this is to text him repeatedly about all the things you don't like, and remind him of all the things he's "doing wrong" . .

He has asked you to stop but you think you're right so continue to text him.

Have I missed anything?

No wonder he is in a bad mood.

Yes. You ARE certainly abusive. Possibly narcissistic, hard to tell without more information.

Yes, the OP does seem to be doing exactly that. . .

Agreed.

We're never going to know on the basis of what any OP tells us about themselves.

Was he like this BEFORE you had kids???

The sending messages is just weird. I'd stop doing that. But if that means arguing then so be it. If he can't keep his temper then he needs to get help or the relationship is over.

As for budgeting - that's normal and sensible. Of course you should budget!

I think your DH has found you, OP...

Thank you for the extra layer of guilt 😔 it’s not shown in front of her, I make really sure of it, we do get on ok most of the time

I’m willing to be completely honest as want to know if it genuinely is me being like that or him

What are you saying in the messages?