Dh says i’m an abusive narcissist, am I? 😔

[Soconfusedaboutitall]

He said this during an argument last week

Dh has a bad temper and I find it so hard to communicate with him these days even if I try to talk gently, he gets really defensive and I don’t want to argue in front of our young dc, so I often send text messages to him. This is generally just practical things about money and bills etc but can be about the way he is with dd (too cross with her in my opinion and I hate it)
He says that he sending all these messages to him i’m an abusive narcissist? Am I? I really want to know as feel confused as to if I am?
He said my messages trigger him and he feels 100% better when I don’t send them. I told him that I send them as literally cannot communicate with him at all and am not going to stand there and do nothing if I disagree with the way he ‘Disciplines’ Dd
He also gets annoyed as I try to section up the money and put some away, otherwise it just all gets spent and I don’t have enough for good, decent food. He said it’s being controlling, is it? If I didn’t do this and try to take charge somehow, we’d be screwed. I don’t want to be the one organising all the finances but he can’t and just spends without a thought.

I want to know if I am what he says I am. I’m willing for us to go to a counsellor to see what they say as I don’t believe I have narcissistic traits at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

But it isn’t a calm and happy house is it?

He spends a lot daily on cigarettes, lunch, coffees etc and I don’t always have enough to get decent food-fruit and vegetables for the week, not just pasta and sauce

So he’s shouting at your daughter
and you stand by mute and then start up the messaging?

How often is this happening? And what does your teen do? Shout back? Cower?

Have you asked if he’s willing to go to counselling with you?

You say talking normally - do you begin a conversation with a list of criticisms and things you don’t like?

Communication is a skill, and neither one of you are great, so you need some help, because this really isn’t working.

If he’s as abusive and a waster as you say then leave.

He’s her father and not step father?

Probably wishes the adults could get it together and set a good example.

Exactly

I can’t put my finger on it… but there definitely something very odd about how the OP is going about this.

I appreciate the feedback thank you.
I do see that and have stopped messaging and keep it to myself

So you just let him abuse your child?

Do you not see that as a significant issue?

If he's treating your child badly OP then why are you staying? I don't think you are the problem, some people on here just like to jump on any OP and are male apologists. You keep messaging because you don't feel able to speak to him - and that's due to his behaviour.

This is all completely toxic OP, you're two very different people, you can't communicate, he's an angry abusive man and your kids don't need any of this. You really need to get out of here.

I do then and there

You are being gaslighted....by a narcissist.

I didn't ask that. I asked if you allow your daughter to run wild

Can you give an example of how he disciplines the child, what age is your daughter, what does she do to warrant disciplining and how does he go about it?

I’d put money on it being him who is the abusive narcissist, because, well, he’s a man.

No but I desperately want it to be for Dd

He can’t ’talk normally about it’ because your idea of ‘talking about it’ is telling him he’s doing things wrong and that your way is the only way to do things right. I’m not saying he’s not at fault - but it’s clear that you essentially want to tell what he can and can’t do and even on this thread you’re finding it hard to accept any other perspectives. You don’t want to talk it out with him; you want him to accept that you’re right. No other resolution would be acceptable to you. That’s exactly what you wanted from this thread too - for people to tell you you’re right.

Your relationship sounds very dysfunctional. He sounds bad tempered and you sound controlling and you sound like you fundamentally dislike each other. You honestly need to split up.

Not a teen and ive said lots that I intervene always

No, it doesn’t sound like you are. It sounds like he is. He’s gaslighting and manipulating you, he’s using DARVO. Let me guess, everything you’ve brought up with him is justifiable and reasonable, but doesn’t want to change/doesn’t to hear it? It’s a deflection tactic, designed to invalidate you and shut the argument down. Good luck to you 💐

You literally asked “Do you have enough money to live on before you save?”

So there was no need for all the texts then.

If you two are communicating without the texts and nothing changes, it means he has no problem shouting at his child.

You're banging your head against a wall here with him.

You need to split up.

Of course he feels better when you don't send him messages because it was the only way he was being held accountable for anything. Now you're not sending them and he's free as a bird to do whatever he pleases, as he pleases.

If you can't communicate with him in person because of his responses, it doesn't make you an abusive narcissist to try to find other ways. You ARE allowed to disagree with his parenting, you ARE allowed to object to him shouting and frankly, you are allowed to leave him. He's gaslighting you.

So you do intervene verbally rather then messages

and what happens?

how old is she and he’s her biological father?

Exactly

it looks like you do intervene Op

and then bombard with messages