Dh says i’m an abusive narcissist, am I? 😔

[Soconfusedaboutitall]

He said this during an argument last week

Dh has a bad temper and I find it so hard to communicate with him these days even if I try to talk gently, he gets really defensive and I don’t want to argue in front of our young dc, so I often send text messages to him. This is generally just practical things about money and bills etc but can be about the way he is with dd (too cross with her in my opinion and I hate it)
He says that he sending all these messages to him i’m an abusive narcissist? Am I? I really want to know as feel confused as to if I am?
He said my messages trigger him and he feels 100% better when I don’t send them. I told him that I send them as literally cannot communicate with him at all and am not going to stand there and do nothing if I disagree with the way he ‘Disciplines’ Dd
He also gets annoyed as I try to section up the money and put some away, otherwise it just all gets spent and I don’t have enough for good, decent food. He said it’s being controlling, is it? If I didn’t do this and try to take charge somehow, we’d be screwed. I don’t want to be the one organising all the finances but he can’t and just spends without a thought.

I want to know if I am what he says I am. I’m willing for us to go to a counsellor to see what they say as I don’t believe I have narcissistic traits at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

It all depends. Do you have enough money to live on before you save? I have an Aunt who will go without necessary basics to save money. She neglected her children as a result of her principles.

How does he discipline your daughter? Is it a case of him wanting to have some semblance of boundaries and guidance over her and you wanting to "gentle parent" your very ungentle child? I see this often in parents these days and each side overcompensates to get back at the other co-parent until one is the Trunchball and the other lets the kids run wild.

You shouldn't accept things as they are. You need to be able to challenge any unfair behaviour.

I think you should back off, you sound way too angry to be of any use on this thread.

Only one child, he doesn’t see that being this harsh is wrong and that I don’t discipline

If you continue to message anyone after they've told you to stop, then that is pretty abusive.

He'll end up blocking you and that'll cause another row.

I’m confused
So you have been messaging him in arguments for years, but as of last week you don’t?

Because i’m sick of him shouting at my child and potentially messing her up for rest of her life

And yet the 3 posts you've made on this thread have been of absolutely no use whatsoever.

All you've done is accuse a poster of being the OP's DH and then argue with them about it.

It used to be I was a nag. Then I was gaslighting him. I await being accused of narcissism. I blame Instagram and some of the crap he watches.

The bad temper OP is enduring is bullying and shouldn't be tolerated.

There’s shouting and shouting.

I’m not willing to accept based on OPs behaviour that he’s a villain and she’s a saint in this situation.

My next door neighbours shout at their children, grandchildren when they’re misbehaving - I don’t shout myself, but that seems to be their method of communication and it’d be laughable to call them abusive. If DH is shouting and OP would like him to stop, it doesn’t make him abusive, just that he hasn’t learned a better method. That can change. OP is no one to talk based on how she treats her DH - she could be abusive too based on the information we have, but does she want to make changes?

So I should just stand there and let him be like that to my child? Just accept that that’s how she’ll be treated when I strongly disagree with it?

So intervene
otherwise from your child’s perspective it looks like mum is just feverishly tapping away on her phone… on Facebook for all she knows!

Your DH is projecting. He's the abuser, with anger issues.

Fine. That’s an issue he needs to resolve.

You need to stop the messaging. That could also be considered abusive, do you realise your behaviour is pretty damn poor as well?

Fgs op

him shouting at her (regularly I presume) isn’t great (although I have been shouting at my teen quite a bit last week of holidays!! They are very annoying) but you banging out multiple messages is doing fuck all

No, you resolve it separately. Not in front of your child. And not by texting like a teenager. You’re supposed to be a unit, a team. All you’re teaching your child is that daddy is a villain.

I'll highlight my post again.

He sounds like a dickhead. I wouldn't accept someone calling me those stupid faux psych speak terms as insults.
Tell him your sick of hearing this nonsense and ask him to leave.

I do intervene at the time and afterwards I message to say he can’t be like that to dd, I message it to try to calmly explain it as if I said it, he reacts badly and it would be an argument in front of Dd and don’t want to do that. I just want a calm, happy house for her

I’m assuming you know this is a predominantly female site who will mainly take your side, which makes me wonder if you want validation you’re not.

as it’s not about what we think. The thing is you don’t approve of his parenting, and you don’t approve of his spending, and try to control it. And I’m assuming he earns some of it, he is telling uou how it makes him feel when you try to control how he spends his money and how ot makes him feel when you text him to tell him he’s parenting wrong,

now you maybe perfectly correct. He shouldn’t be allowed to spend and he is. Shit parent. And he needs you to point that out to him and tell him how wrong he is, but he’s not going to thank you for it. And to him he thinks you’re an abusive narcissist who always thinks they are right,

I can only say if my husband was texting me at work. Telling me how I was parenting wrong and how I couldn’t spend the money I was sitting there earning, I’d likely fuck him off, even if he was right.

I’ll be honest here: if I was getting text messages from my partner criticising me and telling me off because he didn’t like the way I did things and expecting me to do things his way, I would absolutely HATE it and would quickly reach the end of my tether. I’d find that unbelievably stressful and obnoxious. Imagine getting a text notification and always wondering if it was going to be another reprimand/order/critique every time. I’d be permanently stressed to hell.

No idea whether you’re an abusive narcissist and no idea whether your husband is a twat - nobody here does, because we’re only hearing your interpretation and we don’t know either of you. Your husband might indeed be awful. So might you. So might both of you or neither of you. But I can give a perspective on how someone might feel in your husband’s situation, whether he’s an arsehole or not.

What else can I do? He cannot talk normally about it and I can’t not do anything about it

He could tell her he’s sick of her endless criticism via text and ask her to leave 🤷‍♀️

You need to stand up for her there and then, otherwise how will she know you're standing up for her at all?

If you feel you can't, then it's way past time you two divorced.

You need to get some counselling and find healthy ways to communicate! Or split up.