Dh says i’m an abusive narcissist, am I? 😔

[Soconfusedaboutitall]

He said this during an argument last week

Dh has a bad temper and I find it so hard to communicate with him these days even if I try to talk gently, he gets really defensive and I don’t want to argue in front of our young dc, so I often send text messages to him. This is generally just practical things about money and bills etc but can be about the way he is with dd (too cross with her in my opinion and I hate it)
He says that he sending all these messages to him i’m an abusive narcissist? Am I? I really want to know as feel confused as to if I am?
He said my messages trigger him and he feels 100% better when I don’t send them. I told him that I send them as literally cannot communicate with him at all and am not going to stand there and do nothing if I disagree with the way he ‘Disciplines’ Dd
He also gets annoyed as I try to section up the money and put some away, otherwise it just all gets spent and I don’t have enough for good, decent food. He said it’s being controlling, is it? If I didn’t do this and try to take charge somehow, we’d be screwed. I don’t want to be the one organising all the finances but he can’t and just spends without a thought.

I want to know if I am what he says I am. I’m willing for us to go to a counsellor to see what they say as I don’t believe I have narcissistic traits at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve thought of this, but then wouldn’t know how things are going when she stays with him, at least this way i’m here to intervene

Well it isn’t op with you and him together.

How old is she?

Yes i asked that too. My aunt would give her kids bread and butter for dinner and then brag about only spending a third of her income a month. Her children were malnourished.

She'll pick up on it, and internalise it, whether you "show" it to her or not.

Why? What exactly would you do if your dh was too harsh with your 7 year old

You’ve not been messaging since the big blow up last week.

and since then… how’s it been going?

Is the 7 year old his biological child op?

I'd leave him and not need to post on a forum to do so. But if I was actually dubious about my assessment because I know myself that I don't give my child any boundaries, then I would wonder if maybe his way is the right way.

Well what does “too harsh” mean in your eyes op?

By continuing to live with him you're sending your DD a clear message that being shouted/screamed at is ok.

Hope you’ve heard what you came to hear OP.

Yep, he’s an abuser. Nothing more to it, nothing you could do any differently, your behaviour is beyond reproach.

I don’t know why, if someone is supposedly verbally abusing your child, your reaction to that would be to abuse them via text message.

It’s so childish and immature, and reflects poorly on you that you’re not willing to consider the part that you play in this unhealthy dynamic. Your own communication skills where he’s concerned are dreadful - abusive, even. But if it’s easier to write him off as an abuser than change your own poor behaviour, so be it. Unfortunately your lack of insight comes at your children’s expense. God help them, because this is all wrong, and you’re setting a shocking example for them in demonstrating how adults resolve conflict or differences of opinion.

I do see it as a big issue and try desperately to save the money back and say that to him that we don’t have enough and then he says I’m controlling the money

Do you work?
Have you both agreed a budget for food, spending?

You do not sound like a narcissist. You sound like someone who is doing their best in a difficult situation, which he is making more difficult for you. I don't have any advice, just sympathy and a hand hold.

If you are literally unable to afford to eat properly because of his behaviour, I think you should call Women's Aid for advice.

Have you actually sat down togther. Wrote down all the bills and expenses.
Money you have coming in then discussed what can be spent?

I didn’t see that, sorry. not to run wild, she has rules and boundaries and gets told off if need be, she doesn’t get shouted and screamed at by me

I used to think my DH was too harsh. Actually, I was too soft, and my DH had the right approach.

That all sounds awful, you both need to talk about maybe splitting up.

I do want to talk it out with him but he can’t, he immediately gets emotional of angry it’s impossible. He doesn’t have to do anything my way, just not be so shouty and aggressive with dd

Op you’re very adept about avoiding questions, that’s for sure. You’ve been asked multiple times if you work; if he’s the biological father of your child; amongst other questions and you just ignore them

Impressive that you can tell that from the OPs post.

She could dislike the way he parents because he drop kicks the child across the room.

She could dislike the way he talks to her because he uses 'cunt' instead of her name.

She could dislike the way he behaves, because he gambles all their money or spends it on coke, rather than on food and paying the rent.

Would she still be abusive if the above is the situation? Of course not!

Did you miss his temper and interactions with their daughter and OP trying ways to reach him without argument? Where is the abuse?