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Original poster

MIL/SIL organised secret visit with my baby

301 replies

Loonadoona · 29/08/2025 15:36

Bit of background. My partner and I have an 16 month old. MIL/FIL come to our house one day a week to look after him while we go to work. My partner has a sister who i get on well with but she lives about 2 hrs away so we don't see her often, although we text regularly. This week, we were at work and got a notification on our doorbell as there was a car pulling up on our drive. My DP messaged his mum and asked who it was and she said it was his sister (SIL). We knew nothing about this visit and nothing was mentioned the day before when I was having a text convo with SIL. So when we got home, SIL had gone and MIL/FIL were quite sheepish. We questioned why SIL had been to visit yet nobody mentioned it to us. We were stood chatting in the kitchen with MIL/FIL before we went to work but no mention of it.We made it VERY clear that there is no issue with her coming to visit, infact we wholeheartedly encourage her spending time with baby. But we said it was odd that nobody had mentioned it at all to us. MIL downplayed it, said she thought we knew she was coming and just said oh well. Also to note:MIL didnt think our doorbell worked so we think they thought it would be an entirely secret visit. So, we asked again, why not tell us, and MIL reluctantly said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there. SIL doesnt have kids (by choice so far but has settled with her partner now so may feel differently?) and is in late 30s Thats all we got as an explanation. My partner doesnt want to push it as he doesnt want to cause upset but he is as miffed as I am about it. We just don't understand. Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers. The fact that it was organised behind our backs has really annoyed and confused me. And the was MIL just shrugged her shoulders like it isnt an issue made it worse. Why arrange a secret visit when she could've just said 'Oh SIL wants to pop over today to spend time with baby, thats ok isnt it...' We would have said 'ooh lovely, thats fine and left it at that. But why the secrecy? Its so odd and sneaky....and a bit weird? Any thoughts? I might sound like Im making a big deal out of nothing but things like this really get to me. Its needless sneakiness and makes me feel like discussions have been had behind our back about how we might act around people when were with our son. We are so relaxed with people though, with everything other than screen time and sugary/salty foods, so I just don't understand....

OP posts:
QuickFawn · 29/08/2025 15:44

I don’t get the big deal, it’s your dh’s sister not some random

do your dh and his dsis not get on? Seems odd she would want to see your dc but not her db and you

CurlewKate · 29/08/2025 15:46

Do you have a reason not to want your dh’s sister to visit?

lnks · 29/08/2025 15:46

You sound massively controlling

MadisonMarieParksValetta · 29/08/2025 15:47

This would be a total non issue in my family. We are all in each others houses all the time. With no restrictions or planning ahead needed.

ShesTheAlbatross · 29/08/2025 15:49

Yeah I think it’s a bit weird.

My in-laws help us out with childcare, and if they see BIL (DH’s brother) while they do this, I don’t mind. I also wouldn’t mind if they didn’t tell me about it. I would think it was weird if it was set up specifically “I’ll visit, but don’t tell them”.

I wouldn’t do anything about it. But I’d think they were being weird.

Motheranddaughter · 29/08/2025 15:49

I would have no issue with this
You sound very controlling

justanotherpassword · 29/08/2025 15:49

Is this your / your DH first child? Maybe you aren’t as relaxed as you think you are which is why she didn’t come when you were both there.

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 29/08/2025 15:49

Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers. yes. You are a control freak, and I suspect that’s why your SIL visited while you weren’t there.

Honestly, this whole notion of we get to decide” when it’s a member of the family is just bloody weird and controlling.

MissyB1 · 29/08/2025 15:50

Complete non issue. And stop micro managing your in laws whilst they give you free childcare.

CopperWhite · 29/08/2025 15:50

I think in your position, the sneakiness and deception around a visit to MY baby would piss me off more strongly than any reasonable understanding would be able to help, so YANBU.

But, from an outsider perspective, I can totally understand why a keen Auntie would enjoy an opportunity to play with a baby nephew without the parents around but while still lacking the confidence to offer to babysit alone. It’s quite sweet really, she sees her nephew as an individual who she wants to know separately to her relationship with her brother and SIL, and I can totally understand why a doting Grandma would be happy to facilitate that.

They should have been honest from the start and they were wrong to try and hide it from you, but it’s not a hanging offence. Try to see where they were coming from, forgive, and tell them you’re happy for it to happen in future but that they don’t need to lie. Overall, the best thing for your baby is to have as many loving and involved relatives as he can get.

Richtea67 · 29/08/2025 15:52

I'm with you on this one OP. The secrecy feels very odd and unnecessary, particularly as you were chatting with SIL the day before...I'm not sure how i would handle it, but definitely think my DH would want to speak with his parents about it.

Pancakeflipper · 29/08/2025 15:52

I am wondering if your SIL feels really uncomfy around you/your DH. There must be a reason for this covert operation.

The fact your MIL says SIL feels edgy around you makes me think she's nervous/anxious,around you.

I do think it's lovely she wants to see her niece. But you need to resolve this subterfuge.

Cherrysoup · 29/08/2025 15:54

Keeping it secret and thinking you’d never find out because they believed the doorbell to be broken is odd. Did you say that next time you’d like to know? Sil wanting it to be kept secret is also odd. What was she potentially thinking of doing that you might not like? In my family, we’d probably call round without asking the working parents if it was ok (well, my extended family would, I wouldn’t!). I don’t think it’s a huge deal, but the deliberate secrecy is curious.

CynicalSunni · 29/08/2025 15:54

I would find it weird that they purposely kept it as a secret.
Not even afterwards 'oh sister in law popped round today'

The fact that they planned a visit and wanted to keep it from you. As you say you encourage her to visit and i assume don't mind it when its your parent in laws there. That means she has time with the baby without you there.

KarmenPQZ · 29/08/2025 15:57

It’s odd and sneaky of them to not mention it. And it’s odd and sneaky if you to be watching to see a car pull up on the driveway and text them immediately. so 🤷‍♀️

there’s clearly a backstory I guess where you’ve micromanaged SIL and she’s not happy with it but she’s a big enough person that she wants a relationship with your child.

maybe reflect on why your in laws lied and take your share of the responsibility for it.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 29/08/2025 15:58

You sound rather controlling. Your son’s grandparents were there, what difference does it make if his aunty popped round?

ScrambledEggs12 · 29/08/2025 16:04

Loonadoona · 29/08/2025 15:36

Bit of background. My partner and I have an 16 month old. MIL/FIL come to our house one day a week to look after him while we go to work. My partner has a sister who i get on well with but she lives about 2 hrs away so we don't see her often, although we text regularly. This week, we were at work and got a notification on our doorbell as there was a car pulling up on our drive. My DP messaged his mum and asked who it was and she said it was his sister (SIL). We knew nothing about this visit and nothing was mentioned the day before when I was having a text convo with SIL. So when we got home, SIL had gone and MIL/FIL were quite sheepish. We questioned why SIL had been to visit yet nobody mentioned it to us. We were stood chatting in the kitchen with MIL/FIL before we went to work but no mention of it.We made it VERY clear that there is no issue with her coming to visit, infact we wholeheartedly encourage her spending time with baby. But we said it was odd that nobody had mentioned it at all to us. MIL downplayed it, said she thought we knew she was coming and just said oh well. Also to note:MIL didnt think our doorbell worked so we think they thought it would be an entirely secret visit. So, we asked again, why not tell us, and MIL reluctantly said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there. SIL doesnt have kids (by choice so far but has settled with her partner now so may feel differently?) and is in late 30s Thats all we got as an explanation. My partner doesnt want to push it as he doesnt want to cause upset but he is as miffed as I am about it. We just don't understand. Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers. The fact that it was organised behind our backs has really annoyed and confused me. And the was MIL just shrugged her shoulders like it isnt an issue made it worse. Why arrange a secret visit when she could've just said 'Oh SIL wants to pop over today to spend time with baby, thats ok isnt it...' We would have said 'ooh lovely, thats fine and left it at that. But why the secrecy? Its so odd and sneaky....and a bit weird? Any thoughts? I might sound like Im making a big deal out of nothing but things like this really get to me. Its needless sneakiness and makes me feel like discussions have been had behind our back about how we might act around people when were with our son. We are so relaxed with people though, with everything other than screen time and sugary/salty foods, so I just don't understand....

Maybe she wanted to give him cake, crisps and show him something on TV, and that's why it was secret.

Apologies, didn't mean to quote the OP.

steepdreams · 29/08/2025 16:15

I agree, it’s very odd that they were planning to keep it quiet that she’d be there especially when SIL was talking to you the previous day.
I’ve had a similar situation where I found out that a relative had been in my house with my mum while I was on holiday, but I only found out after I’d been speaking to my mum and she never brought it up once that she’d told them to come visit her there. I found it really unsettling that she didn’t mention it afterwards as I would have had no problem with it, but purposefully hiding it from me really annoyed me. It seemed so sneaky. We live in the same town so there was no reason she couldn’t have gone home and had the guest round to her house. It wasn’t long after we’d moved in and it annoyed me that I hadn’t got to invite the family member to my home myself first. It’s the sneakiness that is annoying, I totally empathise!

JLou08 · 29/08/2025 16:16

The huge deal you made out of this with a big confrontation and inquisition makes it pretty clear why SIL wanted to see the baby without you. You sound so controlling, I felt nervous for your MIL just reading that.

Anonomoso · 29/08/2025 16:18

The way it was done was a bit out of order.

But this is obviously how your SIL finds the real you, the feeling she gets from you or why else would she have not openly visited.
I expect your SIL feels uncomfortable in your company and didn't want to be made to feel so much as looking at your DC was in wrong way.

Question you need to ask her is why does she feel that way?

Ooodelally · 29/08/2025 16:20

I’m with you, it’s completely weird that they made it such a secret squirrel meeting… I’d drop the childcare and have my keys back.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 29/08/2025 16:22

My DP messaged his mum and asked who it was

Odd

flatchestedonce · 29/08/2025 16:24

key phrase "in case she did something wrong"
so she cannot be trusted with a baby that is not hers and should not be having secret meetings to facilitate this

I think its very creepy all round.

SENMum1727 · 29/08/2025 16:25

OP I don’t know why everyone is having a go at you. The MIL and SIL shouldn’t have gone behind your back and shouldn’t have tried to cover it up - it’s so unnecessary!

Having said that I would try to forgive - they are being ridiculous and awkward and now they’re embarrassed and trying to downplay it. And even if you are controlling they still shouldn’t have gone behind your back. I’m a bit 🧐 at the posters who think it’s ok and somehow you’re at fault for wanting to know what’s going on with your baby.

FlourandFlowers · 29/08/2025 16:26

I'm with you OP. I don't think you sound controlling at all. I think it is completely natural for a homeowner to want to know who is entering their home and for a parent to know who their child is spending time with. A secret visit is all very odd.