MIL/SIL organised secret visit with my baby

[Loonadoona]

Bit of background. My partner and I have an 16 month old. MIL/FIL come to our house one day a week to look after him while we go to work. My partner has a sister who i get on well with but she lives about 2 hrs away so we don't see her often, although we text regularly. This week, we were at work and got a notification on our doorbell as there was a car pulling up on our drive. My DP messaged his mum and asked who it was and she said it was his sister (SIL). We knew nothing about this visit and nothing was mentioned the day before when I was having a text convo with SIL. So when we got home, SIL had gone and MIL/FIL were quite sheepish. We questioned why SIL had been to visit yet nobody mentioned it to us. We were stood chatting in the kitchen with MIL/FIL before we went to work but no mention of it.We made it VERY clear that there is no issue with her coming to visit, infact we wholeheartedly encourage her spending time with baby. But we said it was odd that nobody had mentioned it at all to us. MIL downplayed it, said she thought we knew she was coming and just said oh well. Also to note:MIL didnt think our doorbell worked so we think they thought it would be an entirely secret visit. So, we asked again, why not tell us, and MIL reluctantly said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there. SIL doesnt have kids (by choice so far but has settled with her partner now so may feel differently?) and is in late 30s Thats all we got as an explanation. My partner doesnt want to push it as he doesnt want to cause upset but he is as miffed as I am about it. We just don't understand. Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers. The fact that it was organised behind our backs has really annoyed and confused me. And the was MIL just shrugged her shoulders like it isnt an issue made it worse. Why arrange a secret visit when she could've just said 'Oh SIL wants to pop over today to spend time with baby, thats ok isnt it...' We would have said 'ooh lovely, thats fine and left it at that. But why the secrecy? Its so odd and sneaky....and a bit weird? Any thoughts? I might sound like Im making a big deal out of nothing but things like this really get to me. Its needless sneakiness and makes me feel like discussions have been had behind our back about how we might act around people when were with our son. We are so relaxed with people though, with everything other than screen time and sugary/salty foods, so I just don't understand....

Ask her about it and what IL said about it - either she explain wtf or it will turn out it's not her being weird.

I don’t think it’s controlling to want to know who is coming into your house irrespective of if there is a child there, but especially if your child is there.

The in-laws being so weird about it is what would annoy me.

You don’t sound controlling at all. I think just confused which is how I would feel too! I have a huge family and they’d always be welcome to visit but if something was kept secret for no apparent reason I’d be annoyed, there just seemed no need. Could there be a back story like SIL is trying unsuccessfully for a baby or even miscarried recently and only MIL/FIL know about it and she was worried she’d get upset?

Quite shocked that so many people are missing OPs point.

op isn’t against the visit it’s the secrecy - I would be annoyed too

Yes ideally it shouldn’t be an issue. In your family no one is timing things to ensure you’re not home when they visit which seems to be the issue here, there’s opened and transparency eg if the ring camera didn’t notify them MIL and SIL would have never said anything.

I’m don’t think OP needs to go guns blazing but her SILs behaviour is definitely weird, intentionally going to visit when OP and her DH are not home to spend time with the baby, comes across as very sneaky and deceptive.

Now we don’t know if there is a backstory between OP and SIL that makes her feel uncomfortable coming when OP is home to explain the sneakiness.

It’s only weird because they made it weird.

This. I can't see the problem.

I don't have kids and think a lot of mums can be precious, but this is weird. And other posters are weird for dismissing you.

The point is SIL specifically wanted to visit when you weren't there. And visit and leave without you ever knowing, and PIL never telling you she was even there!

It's weird AF tbh.

You sound very very odd. Most people like boundaries and plans and honesty.

“I specifically want to spend time alone with your baby without you being there or knowing about it” is absolutely massive red flags from ANYONE. Anyone saying otherwise is crazy.

You are literally arranging visits and speaking to this woman regularly, there is no reason she shouldn’t say “MIL also invited me over to see her while she has the baby, so I’ll be at yours tomorrow but sorry I’ll miss you!”

The fact MIL lied to cover it over and tried to shoo shoo you away from questioning about it is very strange. Seems there’s something going on. Not saying it’s nefarious, but they do need to be honest with you.

Perhaps she needed to talk to her mum about something personal/private and because she was looking after your DC had to call at yours.

MIL panicked when you rang and made something up about seeing the baby by herself.

If you push at this all Spanish Inquisition "why were you there, why didn't you feel you could tell us, do we make you uncomfortable, MIL said you wanted alone time with the baby, why don't you want to see us?" it's just going to make it awkward. She'll feel like she has to explain herself and her actions to you.

Just leave it, maybe she'll open up about anything in her own time. Maybe she's pregnant, just a thought!

Could be a number of reasons and could be very innocent, even if slightly odd.

The reason I jumped to first though means I was going to suggest more direct contact with you/your DH and SIL - that is great that you already have a meeting planned with her. If your MIL encourages direct contact and meeting between siblings/spouses without having to be part of it all the time/brings the whole family together too then I wouldn't dwell on this too much.

My first thought was simply because my MIL's MO is the secret meetings/turning up at meetings that didn't involve her/double smear campaigns/sabotage/discouraging direct contact - usually very subtle and deniable but after years of it and a few major mask slips...not so subtle.

Sorry, but I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill

popping in is one thing. That implies you live close by, and were taking advantage of child being there. Popping in is a quick passing visit. I do this with my great niece, going with my SIL (gran) to do some joint babysitting. But I also do a lot of babysitting for GN myself so see niece and her hubby a lot as well

op SIL drove considerable distance, to spend considerable time with the child, without staying on to see her brother and her SIL, and with them all keeping it secret. Sounds like she can’t get to see her brother very often. So this was specific long visit. She went out of her way to chose a day that parents weren’t there, and it was arranged by ILs, not parents.

it is weird. Just not normal. Why don’t SIL just text/WhatsApp parents to say, mum has suggested I visit to see child tomorrow, I won’t get chance to see you, is that ok?

it’s the secrecy that is peculiar and ts not the OP that’s controller. Either the IL or SIL are controlling by not being open, or they both are colluding in secrecy .

Perhaps mil wants sil to spend time with baby to encourage babies from sil

Id try not to be put out as you like sil. Id just roll my eyes at inlaws weirdness

I agree. It's fine for your SIL to want to visit, but odd to cover it up like this.

First thing - I’d just add another day to nursery, you need to feel you can bring up issues and have them resolved professionally.

So your fil and mil look after the baby every week in your home? What else are they doing with your baby or your home that they’re hiding from you? I’d not like this at all. Why are they being shady about it? All three of them organised it and didn’t bother to tell their son or his wife, the actual parents of the baby? That’s weird as fuck. Really weird. It’s not a communal, shared baby, it’s your (you and your DH) baby. Not theirs. Not shared.

Aw I'd be so hurt If my SIL and PIL did this. Especially if I thought we were close and she was my favourite 😭 It is very weird. I wouldn't like it

Are you going to speak to her about it? I would, doesn't sound like either of you will be hostile with each other,

( I don't have one but I know several people with a ring doorbell that notifies them if someone comes within a certain distance of it )

That's the point she is making

It isnt a big deal... so why did they make it into a secret?

This is their child, their home. Letting anyone keep secrets with your kid in your own home would be a weird situation to accept

Bottom line is it is not ever okay to keep secrets from the parents regarding their baby.

I would be deeply uncomfortable with the secrecy in your home with your child.

Trust is so important and they think this is normal behaviour.
Its not.

Your SIL may think you are fussy, fair enough, but that doesn't mean she gets to spend time with your child in secret, arranged by your in laws

Don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking that you have to accept this because they are childcare for you.

This is why so many prefer to be independent and pay for their childcare.

I have to agree. If I got home and my in laws said ‘oh we had a lovely day, SIL popped round and we all did XYZ’ then it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. Leaving my child in the care of someone who tried to cover something so normal up would really make me feel uncomfortable. I don’t understand the secrecy.

No I wouldn’t be ok with anyone making arrangements and visits in my home (for any reason) without asking me / letting me know. Or arranging visits with my child for someone else when my child was in their care. Family or not. The secrecy is the indication it was out of line and would not be appreciated.

1 day a week childcare in my home by parents or in-laws would not happen either. We pay for childcare as is our choice. Works better.

Yeah on reflection, this is odd. I was picturing it like a standard pop in visit as SIL was nearby. It shouldn’t have been a secret visit and they made it weird with the reasoning.

It's odd.
Your DH needs to talk to his sister