MIL/SIL organised secret visit with my baby

[Loonadoona]

Bit of background. My partner and I have an 16 month old. MIL/FIL come to our house one day a week to look after him while we go to work. My partner has a sister who i get on well with but she lives about 2 hrs away so we don't see her often, although we text regularly. This week, we were at work and got a notification on our doorbell as there was a car pulling up on our drive. My DP messaged his mum and asked who it was and she said it was his sister (SIL). We knew nothing about this visit and nothing was mentioned the day before when I was having a text convo with SIL. So when we got home, SIL had gone and MIL/FIL were quite sheepish. We questioned why SIL had been to visit yet nobody mentioned it to us. We were stood chatting in the kitchen with MIL/FIL before we went to work but no mention of it.We made it VERY clear that there is no issue with her coming to visit, infact we wholeheartedly encourage her spending time with baby. But we said it was odd that nobody had mentioned it at all to us. MIL downplayed it, said she thought we knew she was coming and just said oh well. Also to note:MIL didnt think our doorbell worked so we think they thought it would be an entirely secret visit. So, we asked again, why not tell us, and MIL reluctantly said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there. SIL doesnt have kids (by choice so far but has settled with her partner now so may feel differently?) and is in late 30s Thats all we got as an explanation. My partner doesnt want to push it as he doesnt want to cause upset but he is as miffed as I am about it. We just don't understand. Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers. The fact that it was organised behind our backs has really annoyed and confused me. And the was MIL just shrugged her shoulders like it isnt an issue made it worse. Why arrange a secret visit when she could've just said 'Oh SIL wants to pop over today to spend time with baby, thats ok isnt it...' We would have said 'ooh lovely, thats fine and left it at that. But why the secrecy? Its so odd and sneaky....and a bit weird? Any thoughts? I might sound like Im making a big deal out of nothing but things like this really get to me. Its needless sneakiness and makes me feel like discussions have been had behind our back about how we might act around people when were with our son. We are so relaxed with people though, with everything other than screen time and sugary/salty foods, so I just don't understand....

I’m laughing at everyone calling you controlling. Honestly this is definitely a thing on here at the moment. How odd that they wanted it to be a secret. I’d be interested in who wanted it to be a secret… was it because MIL/SIL wanted to host the event and introduce baby as ‘their DGC’ or whatever. Or was it that other SIL wanted it to be secret… so is there a weird background with her.
Of course it’s odd! Who does that?

As you said, you’d love SIL to see the baby so it’s weird.

So why does she felt she can’t relax around you with your baby, in case she might ‘do something wrong’?

Is it possibly less about her and her worries and more about you MIL and FIL being able to control access to the baby - not in sisnter way but it a show off/ full of pride way?

I mean picking up the phone to sister and ask wtf - why didn't you say you were coming over - we're keen for you to see the baby - you may find it's not her being cloak and dagger at all maybe she thought you knew?

I think it's a bit odd, and I would be offended, rather than any other feeling. It's been done in a sneaky way, to cut you out of a visit with your own baby! It's not going to hurt the baby, but it's just bloody rude!

Then she must somehow feel awkward in front of you?

“Now this may sound like I’m a control freak, but that’s my home and my son, me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son”

Im guessing this sort of approach from you and/or your partner is how you’ve ended up with a “secret” visit. She’s an aunt who came to spend the day with her mother and her nephew. There’s nothing at all for you to be bothered about. Yet you are bothered. You obviously don’t have the good relationship with her that you described at the beginning so she’s arranged the visit with her mother/your MIL instead of coming to you.
If this was me/my family my only thought and comment would have been “I wish you’d stayed longer, I would have loved to see you too”. There’d be no analysis of ring cameras or posts about it.

She obviously not confident seeing babies and didn’t want you or hubby watching her.
She wanted to relax and enjoy her time with baby

This is why I find it strange, you say you get on well with your SIL.

Would your MIL have said something that's been taken the wrong way.
All very odd.

Could you have a chat with your SIL?

A lot of mothers are a bit concerned when their first baby is born and during the following months about visitors and such, but by the time you've had your third you'll be using them to mop up the spilt milk....(joke, people, joke)

This would not be an issue for me. Your reaction is very odd, to me. In the interests of family relationships I would let this drop. There is the potential for misunderstandings and a lot of upset if you don't.

Agree 💯

You are not controlling at all and your feelings are no less valid than anyone else's.

I would be pissed off and would no longer trust MIL. The secrecy is quite bizarre.

I’d be pissed off too. It’s the in laws facilitating their daughter’s ‘playing dollies with the baby’ time without your consent or oversight. It’s not that any of it is intrinsically harmful, but to do it on the sly would destroy my trust in them.

Well there’s clearly a back story, or something they’re not telling you 🤷‍♀️
I wonder if you’re more controlling than you think/make demands etc? If not, then it’s beyond weird 🤷‍♀️

I’m panicking now as I did exactly this the other week.
My DM was looking after nephew at my DB’s house and I popped in to see them both as I had an unexpected free afternoon.
It didn’t occur to me to get DB or SIL’s permission to do this. And I wouldn’t expect them to ask me in advance to enter my house either.
With kindness, unless you don’t get on or there is a back story of SIL entering your house or seeing your child against your wishes, this feels like a non issue.

You are not being unreasonable. Your MIL & SIL had no right to act so secretively in your own home and with your child.

Why they didnt just arrange to meet somewhere like a soft play centre i dont know. I get that you may unintentionally be a bit smoothering etc but imo you have every right to be when people you trust act so shifty.

Really no big deal ...

I'm with you OP. MIL / FIL have purposely done this behind your back with your baby. The fact you'd have been fine with it is if you'd known is completely irrelevant. To me, keeping secrets from the parents of a baby on purpose shows that they can't be trusted. If they are happy to hide a family visit that wouldn't be a huge deal, then what other, worse / actual unreasonable things might they decide to hide from you in future?

I wouldn't be able to not say anything to my SIL in your situation, even if it's just to tell her that you would love her to come visit and if she feels more comfortable with you not there, she's welcome to take baby out or whatever.
I'd then probably try reflect a bit and maybe ask her why she felt so uncomfortable, with a view to addressing it.

I would also be telling PIL that under no circumstances do they lie to you again when it involves your child!

What I don’t get is why you want to stalk your in laws. Why would you even ask who was on the drive, it’s just mad. Technology is turning people so paranoid. Surely If you trust the people caring for your baby you let them get on with it?

I think it is very odd indeed for someone to explicitly ask a third party to facilitate a visit with a baby with neither parent present. I don’t mean that anything wrong was intended. I just think it’s very odd, to even think of it.

shes worried she might do something wrong

This is the key.

I agree, they shouldn’t have done it.

But it’s done now, I don’t think the motive was malicious, and now they’ve been caught out, I doubt they’ll do it again.

I think you need to let it go.

I actually have a bit of empathy for your SIL. Before I had children of my own, I was a bit scared of having to interact with babies, especially in front of an audience.

But the OP said the MIL admitted they did it behind her back intentionally so SIL could get time with baby without OP present.

It wasnt an unexpected visit or a regular occurrence. It was premeditated and arranged so OP didnt know. With someones baby you do not EVER keep secrets.

Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there.

What the fuck is she doing with MY baby that she wouldn't be comfortable doing in front of me, the mother!
would be my reaction

We do, really well. She would be welcome to take baby out for the day alone, I trust her completely. She's actually coming to visit on monday, just her, me and baby are spending the day together and this was arranged the day before the secret visit.

And just to clarify for the other posters, it was a text about the car not a call and SIL has a new car.

I agree this is weird and I don't think you're controlling.

Persuambly when asked about who car is on drive - your parenst would give reponse SterlingsGold had a suddenly free afternoon - we didn't think it would be an issue - do you want us to check in future?

Rather than what OP got obfuscation and then told SIL wants time with baby without its' parents the house owners present.

It's not the sudden visit - it's the not being upfront about it either prior or when asked about it.

Maybe have a chat, all you really want to know is why the secrecy.
If she sees you as a good friend she'll understand.

Not that excuses their behaviour, but, that you know of, your SIL can have DC?