MIL/SIL organised secret visit with my baby

[Loonadoona]

Bit of background. My partner and I have an 16 month old. MIL/FIL come to our house one day a week to look after him while we go to work. My partner has a sister who i get on well with but she lives about 2 hrs away so we don't see her often, although we text regularly. This week, we were at work and got a notification on our doorbell as there was a car pulling up on our drive. My DP messaged his mum and asked who it was and she said it was his sister (SIL). We knew nothing about this visit and nothing was mentioned the day before when I was having a text convo with SIL. So when we got home, SIL had gone and MIL/FIL were quite sheepish. We questioned why SIL had been to visit yet nobody mentioned it to us. We were stood chatting in the kitchen with MIL/FIL before we went to work but no mention of it.We made it VERY clear that there is no issue with her coming to visit, infact we wholeheartedly encourage her spending time with baby. But we said it was odd that nobody had mentioned it at all to us. MIL downplayed it, said she thought we knew she was coming and just said oh well. Also to note:MIL didnt think our doorbell worked so we think they thought it would be an entirely secret visit. So, we asked again, why not tell us, and MIL reluctantly said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there. SIL doesnt have kids (by choice so far but has settled with her partner now so may feel differently?) and is in late 30s Thats all we got as an explanation. My partner doesnt want to push it as he doesnt want to cause upset but he is as miffed as I am about it. We just don't understand. Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers. The fact that it was organised behind our backs has really annoyed and confused me. And the was MIL just shrugged her shoulders like it isnt an issue made it worse. Why arrange a secret visit when she could've just said 'Oh SIL wants to pop over today to spend time with baby, thats ok isnt it...' We would have said 'ooh lovely, thats fine and left it at that. But why the secrecy? Its so odd and sneaky....and a bit weird? Any thoughts? I might sound like Im making a big deal out of nothing but things like this really get to me. Its needless sneakiness and makes me feel like discussions have been had behind our back about how we might act around people when were with our son. We are so relaxed with people though, with everything other than screen time and sugary/salty foods, so I just don't understand....

That’s what occurred to me also. ‘Hey SIL, why don’t you come over and then I can make you realize how much you really do want one of your own?’.

The SIL may not feel awkward around OP at all, and genuinely have had no idea that her mother was being secretive around the visit.

Based on what you’ve said, I suspect this is a case of MIL being weird, not SIL.

I don’t care if you are controlling op it’s your baby yours and DH so you do in fact get to be controlling about your home and your baby. DH tells MIL…no visitors without asking. If someone stops by please text us to let us know. MIL doesn’t like it? Find other childcare arrangements SIL saying “afraid she might do something wrong” doesn’t sit with me. It’s like you are to blame for being an attentive parent. Watching a child (family or not ) does not grant unfettered access to your dc. SIL is probably wonderful auntie but heed my own dear fathers words…you can’t trust anyone around your children except family and half the time you can’t trust them. Establish a pattern with MIL access to baby needs to be with consent. And your fine making paid for alternative childcare arrangements if she doesn’t agree

It’s the sneakiness that upsets, partly because it’s as though your MIL/FIL get to decide what happens with your DC. They’re really deciding what happens with their DD but using your DC as their tool, and ignoring you the parents entirely. It’s not on.

Which is it? You can't have it both ways.

Its not a problam for sil to drop by "We made it VERY clear that there is no issue with her coming to visit"

Or
We think pil really should have asked permission before saying sil could drop by.

"Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers"

I could get on board with your viewpoint if it was just a random friend of theirs or if there was some back story about why sil should 't come over. So your response is weird. Equally the comments from pil about sil worrying she will get something wrong are a bit weird. Are you and your dh overly critical of your sil?

This. The sneakiness would really bother me

This is absolutely nuts.
You are lucky you have grandparents doing childcare!
My dd has been looked after 1 day per week by ILs. They have taken her to their friends/BIL. I don't give it a second thought.
You either trust ILs to look after her or you don't. If you don't, pay for your childcare

The only excuse for the secrecy is that they thought you might have taken the day off work if you'd known she'd be there (which you clearly would not have done from what you've said, anyway, but that's the only thing that would have prevented the visit from going ahead as planned).

But if they thought it was an issue that you would feel that strongly about that you would rather take a day off work than allow them all to be in your house without you, it was even more out of order for them to keep it secret!!

I always got much more from my nieces when they were with my mum (Grandma) rather than their own parents.

I like a long distance away so would be staying in the house when they came for the day.

Obviously saw them with my sister as well but they wanted me more if there wasn't the option for mum! Mine were the same. My in laws liked getting the cuddles when we weren't there.

Could it be that you give off the impression that you are quite controlling and hover around if she is near your child and she is afraid of 'getting it wrong'?

Only reason I could think of by way of an explanation - could it be that there is more to SIL's childlessness than you have been privy to?
She didn't want you to be there in case she was overcome with emotion?
Otherwise, no idea.

but you popped in. You didn't deliberately keep it a secret.

I wonder if she just feels more ‘scrutinised’ when you’re there, and feels she has to act what she thinks you might expect from a doting auntie, rather than just being a doting auntie as herself?

It’s a bit like opening presents in front of the people who have given them to you. The gratitude becomes a bit performative, even if you really like the presents!

That doesn’t explain the secretive visit though. As pp have said, you wouldn’t have been there, even if you’d known she was coming. YANBU.

For PP - feeling more scrutinised or “watched” is not then a valid reason to have sworn secret visits with your DN. It just isn’t.

The ring doorbell would have sent a notification of someone at your door and you would have seen who it was 🤔

Yes, potentially. We've been through years of IVF so would be able to understand difficulties of that sort, but completely understand that she might not feel comfortable to share her own struggles (if that is the reason behind it).

There must be more to it. The more I think about it, the more it seems so odd and sneaky.

The sneakiness is because they’ve been manipulative. That’s the feeling you don’t like.

It doesnt always pick people up. We can go in and out without it realising, so pretty pointless having it at times!

This exactly. And it doesn’t matter the reason. There is no reason to justify. You could be empathetic to any struggles or emotions your SIL may have but to deliberately deceive you in your own home about your own baby is not okay. Not for any reason.

Or the SIL is quite happily childfree, but her mother wants grandchildren from her, and thinks one on one time where she can engineer SIL having to take on responsibility will make SIL want one of her own.

If OP and her DH were there they would naturally be the ones providing care. If MIL finds herself suddenly and conveniently indisposed, she can delegate to the SIL if it’s just the two of them.

I didn’t say anywhere it was a valid reason. I’m discussing the possible motivation for the SIL’s secret visit, not justifying it!

So you want her to visit, you actively encourage her to visit but you are annoyed that she didn't get your express permission to visit.

Yep, makes sense.

That wasn’t targeted at you, which is why I didn’t quote you. There were quite a few people trying to reason in this way and I was just validating OP in that whatever the reason or motivation, it’s still wrong.

Not sure what's happened to your thread but people are either willful misunderstanding your issue or just making shit up so that they can put the boot it, just ignore them.

I do not think it's controlling to want to know who is in your home or spending time with your child when you are out of the house. You could have absolute confidence in your PIL but I still think it would be really weird not to be curious about who was visiting whilst you were at work.

I'd find the secrecy really strange too. You were having a text chat with SIL the day before, she could have mentioned it. She also lives two hours away so its unlikely it was an impulse visit and she had left before you got home so obviously didn't want you to know she'd been there. Your PIL didn't mention her intended visit either. I could understand if one of them forgot to mention the visit but not both which does make it seem like it was planned and a secret.

I have no explanation for why they might do such an underhanded thing but it would upset me. I would be inclined to ask the SIL about it. You don't see her that often and she took steps to avoid seeing your or your husband, I would want to know why. Even if you would prefer not to do that I would be really clear with PIL that you have no problem with visitors but you would like to know who is in your house and spending time with your child when you are at work.

You sound really hard work. Do you have any real problems in your life? Seriously an aunt comes to spend undivided time with her niece and it’s a problem?

The fact that you are checking to see who the car belongs to when your in-laws are in the house looking after your child strikes me as untrusting and a bit much. You trust them with your child so why do you ask about every car that pulls up? Surely if there was something to tell you, you’d trust them to tell you? I think you are painting a picture of why your family find it all a bit overbearing. Take this as an opportunity to reflect and change how you are dealing with your family because it sounds like you’re on to a good thing with them.