MIL/SIL organised secret visit with my baby

[Loonadoona]

Bit of background. My partner and I have an 16 month old. MIL/FIL come to our house one day a week to look after him while we go to work. My partner has a sister who i get on well with but she lives about 2 hrs away so we don't see her often, although we text regularly. This week, we were at work and got a notification on our doorbell as there was a car pulling up on our drive. My DP messaged his mum and asked who it was and she said it was his sister (SIL). We knew nothing about this visit and nothing was mentioned the day before when I was having a text convo with SIL. So when we got home, SIL had gone and MIL/FIL were quite sheepish. We questioned why SIL had been to visit yet nobody mentioned it to us. We were stood chatting in the kitchen with MIL/FIL before we went to work but no mention of it.We made it VERY clear that there is no issue with her coming to visit, infact we wholeheartedly encourage her spending time with baby. But we said it was odd that nobody had mentioned it at all to us. MIL downplayed it, said she thought we knew she was coming and just said oh well. Also to note:MIL didnt think our doorbell worked so we think they thought it would be an entirely secret visit. So, we asked again, why not tell us, and MIL reluctantly said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there. SIL doesnt have kids (by choice so far but has settled with her partner now so may feel differently?) and is in late 30s Thats all we got as an explanation. My partner doesnt want to push it as he doesnt want to cause upset but he is as miffed as I am about it. We just don't understand. Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers. The fact that it was organised behind our backs has really annoyed and confused me. And the was MIL just shrugged her shoulders like it isnt an issue made it worse. Why arrange a secret visit when she could've just said 'Oh SIL wants to pop over today to spend time with baby, thats ok isnt it...' We would have said 'ooh lovely, thats fine and left it at that. But why the secrecy? Its so odd and sneaky....and a bit weird? Any thoughts? I might sound like Im making a big deal out of nothing but things like this really get to me. Its needless sneakiness and makes me feel like discussions have been had behind our back about how we might act around people when were with our son. We are so relaxed with people though, with everything other than screen time and sugary/salty foods, so I just don't understand....

Well, the reason for it will be different from the one they’ve given OP. If they’ve enough emotional intelligence to manipulate, they have enough to know OP and her DH wouldn’t object to the reason given so there would be nothing to hide in the first place. The real reason is something they think OP/DH might in fact object to. Needn’t be anything outrageous, just what they think might be off.

My MIL is EXACTLY like this. She doesn’t even realise she’s doing it, it comes so naturally to her. Took me years to see it for what it is. Her intentions are ultimately pure. But still.

Bingo! This!!

Yes, it’s very odd. Not SIL visiting but the weird secrecy about it. Especially as you spoken to her so recently. Clearly MIL and SIL planned this visit, purposely keeping it secret and both deceiving you.

To me, it sounds like SIL wanted to play mummy without the actual mummy there. I’d find that creepy, along with the unnecessary secrecy.

This. I think it’s pretty weird to be honest.

That’s an eerie post for me. That is precisely the sort of stunt my MIL would pull for precisely this sort of reason. Ultimately, pure intentions (an abundance of love and a bigger family and more children to love), but highly manipulative and ultimately likely to end in the exact opposite. Family who shun her.

I'd be furious. No one should be in your house without your knowledge. It would be different if your child was at your MIL 's house and SIL popped in - it's about other people walking into your house and you not knowing.

I do not think it's controlling to want to know who is in your home or spending time with your child when you are out of the house.

I totally agree with this if the person involved was a stranger to the OP or someone they don't know very well or trust.

This is someone the OP wants to visit her child. And they have visited. If the OP likes and trusts her SIL then it shouldn't matter that she wasn't at the house at the time. If she doesn't like or trust her then that's obviously a different matter.

I'd be very upset by this. It's not that your SIL came over without you or DH knowing--it's that your MIL organized this in secret...with your baby, in your home.

Your MIL then lied to you, first saying she thought you knew that SIL was coming by, only to then reluctantly admit that SIL wanted to see the baby alone. So she pre-arranged all this with SIL then tried to lie her way out of it when you asked about it.

Bottom line: Your MIL feels entitled to do as she pleases with your baby, hoping to have gotten away with something that you would not find out about. She then had no problems lying to you and DH when you asked about it. What will it be next?

I'd never let her alone with my baby again.

Two: You may really like your SIL, but I am sorry, she clearly has a big problem with you and MIL is aware of it.

To me, it sounds like SIL wanted to play mummy without the actual mummy there. I’d find that creepy, along with the unnecessary secrecy.

Or the OP and her DH could possibly be a bit overanxious around their PFB. I had friends once who were super alert around anyone who didn't yet have kids being around their baby in case they broke them. You could feel the anxiety radiating off them and it didn't make for relaxing visits.

But yeah, course because the SIL is a childless woman she's obviously a baby stealing psycho in the making.

Yeah, I’ve heard about this type of thing being pulled by parents wanting (in this case, maternal) grandchildren before, more than once. Thankfully I don’t have firsthand experience of it, but I have friends that do.

Does SIL have some kind of anxiety that she's perhaps embarrassed about but she felt safe telling her parents?

The secrecy is really strange.

MIL reluctantly said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there.
Yin...

Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers.
...meet Yang

My take on it is that your husbands parents needed to go somewhere on that day but not tell you, perhaps a medical appointment so they got the sister in law to babysit?

Could they have exited via a back door?

It is a bit odd to be secretive about it but given that you wouldn't have minded if you had been asked/told then I am not sure it is something to get worked up about. It is really just a case of your SIL visiting your parents while they are babysitting. Would it have been different if they had taken DS to visit SIL or if SIL had visited their home while looking after DS? I suspect your PIL have thought it was really the same thing and didn't expect you to mind.

Can’t believe how many people think sneaking around like this is acceptable. It’s your child of course you should be made aware of any plans.
Your in laws have made it weird with all the sneakiness and frankly it’s disrespectful.

If this happened at MILs, then it would be a total non issue.

But I'd expect a courteous heads up if anyone had guests over to my house. Even relations.

OP, I really would recommend not taking what MIL says about your SIL wanting one on one time to be true, especially as you know this is out of character and doesn’t reflect the relationship you have with her.

Again, your SIL may have absolutely no idea that you didn’t know she was visiting. I really do think this is a case of your MIL trying to be sneaky, getting caught, and mangling her attempts at ‘explanation’ as a result of being flustered.

Absolutely - the visit isn’t a big deal but the cover-up turns into something quite different

I think it's really odd. She didn't "pop in", she wasn't just passing. She drove 2hrs there and 2hrs back again. So obviously planned and obviously kept secret.

That they kept it a secret is what's odd.

An afternoon visit is hardly The Hand That Rocks the Cradle stuff.

Yes, they were a bit odd to keep it secret but I find your reaction very OTT considering how you are insisting you really like SIL and would have happily let her do it anyway.

I think it would be sensible to let it go and ask MIL politely to be sure to let you know if anyone is calling over again.

But if they'd mentioned to the OP that the sister was coming round she would still have got to play with the baby without the parents being there and the OP would have been perfectly happy with the arrangements. There's no contradiction.

I'm happy for my in laws to pop round any time they like whether planned or just because they're in the area. But if I found out that they had planned to come round but pretended to me they were just passing by, I would find that very weird and wonder at their motives.

Maybe the SIL visit may not have been specifically to see DC as the main priority. Maybe SIL wanted to see her parents to discuss some private matter. Her partner wasn’t with her. It just happened to be while your in laws are with DC. I would not have made a big deal. Do you want family to feel comfortable dropping over? If yes, you are going about it the opposite way.

I personally think with how much of a huge deal was made, your in laws should have told you and DH they have plans for the day and can’t watch your DC for private reasons. Then you and DH could organise your own arrangements to care for your child and not tie down your in laws.

I don’t understand why everyone is saying you are controlling. In this instance, yes it was your SIL who you obviously love and have no issues with her seeing your child. So if that’s the case why did your MIL/FIL decide to keep it a secret?

Thats the bit I find weird, if they won’t even tell you when they are inviting someone you actually know and like round your house, who else may they invite round that you don’t know?

For me that would be a big issue. I wouldn’t be able to trust them and would always be wondering who they were meeting up with.

You are not being at all controlling. I think they have been totally out of order sneaking around behind your back, and I would have been really annoyed.

The whole "I want to see my nephew but without his parents there and don't tell them I'm coming" is just.... odd.