That DH went to a spa on our first wedding anniversary… but not with me?

[Haverviti]

So DH and I have been married a year. Nothing fancy planned for our first anniversary as we’re not exactly flush right now, but I thought maybe a meal out, or even a takeaway and a bottle of wine at home, just something to mark it.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after. Anyway… turns out he actually went on a spa day. With his mate from work.

I only found out because I saw the photos on said mate’s Instagram. When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him. Then he told me I was being dramatic and that it’s “just a day” and we can celebrate another time.

I feel really gutted. It’s our first wedding anniversary, surely that’s something you prioritise? I wouldn’t have minded a really low key thing, I just feel like he chose to go off for a nice relaxing day with someone else instead of me. He genuinely can’t see what the problem is and says I’m overreacting.

AIBU to be upset about this???

I think your sentence ‘so I didn’t push it’ is very telling. Unless he’s a spy, people in a committed relationship should be able to ask each other about weekend plans, and expect an answer. This is such a low bar to fail at.

Man here. I would find going to a spa with another man a bit strange.

Same as this! I've only ever seen male couples, m / f couples or female friends on spa days. I know a male in work goes on his own but I've never even seen men on their own.

Literally know no man who goes to a spa with a male colleague. Never mind one who he is not close to. On his wedding anniversary. Without his wife. And lies about it.

Very , very odd thing of him to do to be Perfectly honest ..
Also , when he came in that eve did you two not converse about your day , like how was work , bla bla ?
That morning did he not say Happy Anniversary, did you not see him pack a bag for the Spa ?
I’m just a little confused here ..

Sorry you’ve had a crap anniversary, OP.
I hope you’ve had time to think about things and chat to your husband.

1. Going to a spa doesn’t mean you’re gay. True that whenever I’ve been to spas the groups or pairs of men have been very much in the minority. I’ve never assumed they are are gay though.
2. Your husband has prioritised going to the spa with this man over you. The issue is how and why. Did he forget the date of your anniversary? Then was asked and didn’t want to let down the mate? In which case he needs to understand that he was wrong to think it’s ok to upset you and not let this man down. Does he think ‘in the minute’ and not look at consequences? If you love him and this isn’t the norm, can you move on from this- has he understood yet and apologised for basically being a shit husband on this occasion? His actions from now on are what counts. or is this guy an alibi? Or is it a relationship? Maybe he doesn’t feel that dates are significant, anniversaries, birthdays etc in which case don’t get your hopes up or have any expectations on events. Match his energy. too early to jump to LTB. (sorry, lots of rambling thoughts here)

That’s shocking, OP.

I too am sorry this has happened to you. In the process of divorcing my now gay husband I’m warning from your words there are serious points to consider. Is he gay? As I’ve never heard of a newly married man going on a spa day. Also why the lie? Is this symptomatic of a bigger picture. Don’t kid yourself please & challenge him if you have doubts.

He's either gay or bisexual, it's too much of an odd thing to do without another explanation

It's all very well some saying that 'special' days like anniversaries or birthdays don't mean the same to men but if he knows it's special to you, then he's being totally dismissive of your feelings. Is he the same on birthdays and Valentine's Day? Or did you have a discussion in the beginning that neither of you were going to get upset about such days? I'm guessing not otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for our thoughts. Maybe take a good hard look at the rest of your relationship and decide if this is what you want. Personally I'd feel the same as you. It's not much to ask that they make an effort especially if they know it means a lot to you.

Totally out of order.
Two men at a spa is very odd but on your first anniversary too!
My husband would possibly be at a Spar but only to get me choccy, flowers and a card but then he’s not a thoughtless k**b. He’d actually get me lovely flowers, gift and take me out somewhere.
Sorry you’re upset, you deserve better.

I don’t think I could ever look at him the same. I think you deserve a better life partner. Chances are, he’s going to leave you at some point anyway.

This is really odd behaviour from your husband.

First thing that concerned me on your post was that you said you didn't want to push it by asking him what he was up to when he was busy. It's a worry if you do not eel like you can ask him questions without him jumping down your throat. Is that the case?
Also if either my partner or I have plans we always tell the other what it is and check that the timing works with the other person, not for permission but out of courtesy and respect.
The fact you didn't know what he was upto until you saw posts from the other person is bizarre. Do you feel like this could have been a deliberate cover up?
Also he gaslit you when he said you were making a big deal and it's just a day.
It was your first wedding anniversary and he was more concerned about cancelling on a colleague, than disappointing his wife? 🚩🚩🚩
So so random he would choose a spa day with him over you...if you're afraid to ask more questions I'd maybe ask yourself why.
Good luck .

As a bloke, I'd definitely be thinking your husband is gay. Time for a talk

I would be very suspicious.

It's likely he'll be doing a lot more in future with this casual work mate.

I can only think of one word for a man who chose to go to a spa with another man over spending time with his wife celebrating their anniversary, and then gaslight her on top instead of being sorry.

Wow

This should still be very much in the honeymoon phase. But on your first wedding anniversary he has shown you who he is….. by spending the day at a spa with his boyfriend colleague then lying about it.

Time for a serious talk.

I was thinking that. I have never known a man go on spa day.

This reply sums it up perfectly.

His behaviour is screaming “affair”

I’d be doing some VERY deep digging ….

Op, read up on men only spa days. Then have a look on Grindr.

He’s gay or bi

It seems very strange to me OP.

Anniversaries & birthdays are often a bone of contention in relationships. They may mean more to one partner than the other. I personally learned never to expect much & largely that was what I got.
One year, a promise of going out for a Chinese meal. Yay!
We did
18 months late.
That's not a typo, 18 months!
I was not impressed.

I think you should celebrate your wedding anniversary with your friends, instead of celebrating with him see how he likes it 😉

' i didn’t want to cancel on him' why didnt he want to cancel on this work colleague he doesnt know that well, so he doesnt care about you but he didnt want to cancel on him...if there was nothing in it he would have told you, hes lied how do you know hr hasnt lied before, i would be googling this guy and look at his socials to see is he gay or straight, also again as eveyone else has said what guy posts on instagram they have been to a spar unless they are gay, and everyone at work knowing the 2 of them going to a spa together, i think they planned to go together from the start, have they been before and was it happy ending massage or men only spa ie gay spa, i would want the name of the spa

That's what I thought, lavender marriage!