That DH went to a spa on our first wedding anniversary… but not with me?

[Haverviti]

So DH and I have been married a year. Nothing fancy planned for our first anniversary as we’re not exactly flush right now, but I thought maybe a meal out, or even a takeaway and a bottle of wine at home, just something to mark it.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after. Anyway… turns out he actually went on a spa day. With his mate from work.

I only found out because I saw the photos on said mate’s Instagram. When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him. Then he told me I was being dramatic and that it’s “just a day” and we can celebrate another time.

I feel really gutted. It’s our first wedding anniversary, surely that’s something you prioritise? I wouldn’t have minded a really low key thing, I just feel like he chose to go off for a nice relaxing day with someone else instead of me. He genuinely can’t see what the problem is and says I’m overreacting.

AIBU to be upset about this???

He's gay. Or just selfish. Either way....not great.

I'd be really upset. It's very suspicious. Sounds like he could be gay. Or he's incredibly selfish.

Id be worried about the future of the marriage more than the missed anniversary

Two straight male not really friends co workers going for a spa day is simply not a thing, have you seen any other signs he might be gay or bisexual?

So a couple of men who don't usually socialise go to an all day spa together and one of them posts about it on social media? That's so weird on all levels. It sounds as though they are in a relationship. Have you checked out the place they went to? What treatments did they have?

The lying is what’s not right.

this is a huge generalisation and let’s men get away with shit behaviour. Don’t dismiss OP’s feelings

I would go nuclear in him op. At best it's just downright inconsiderate and insulting. He actively chose to spend your bedding anniversary with someone else and appears to have put zero effort in for you. Did he do anything to mark the occasion? If you don't want this to be precedent then speak up and make ignoring it the painful option.

In ten years time when you're going through a messy divorce and the scales have well and truly fallen this will be a moment you remember: 'How did I not realise what he was like when on our first anniversary he booked a spa day - but without me!'

When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him

How is it both a last minute invite and a 'didn't want to cancel on him'?

Ah - now this is the first thing I have read that makes some sense of this truly bizarre situation.
Is it possible @Haverviti that your husband wants out of your marriage but doesn't have the balls to do it himself? If you look back over the last year has he been doing increasingly unreasonable things? That might push you to go nuclear, so you look like the bad guy who ended it all?

Trust me when I say this is a sign of things to come. Don’t waste your time, get out now.

This sounds bad, surely he must be gay?

A random spa day his mate from work booked him and he lied about… and got defensive when you found out…and it was on your first ever anniversary..

…hopefully your alarm bells are ringing because this is SO weird

If my husband did this he’d soon be my ex.
He’s lied to you about a day Whete he should have made an effort.
Also you found out through seeing his instagram?
He didn’t care about your feelings.

This is so weird for various reasons.

1. If a close friend had asked him, I’d have expected him to say he couldn’t as it was his first wedding anniversary and that would have been understood by all as a good reason.
2. It’s not a close friend, so why would he care more about declining to do something with him than something with you?
3. It wasn’t last minute - he had several days to think about it.
4. Who paid for it? Would he usually view a spa day as a good way to spend money? If so, wouldn’t he rather do it with you? And if you don’t have enough spare cash to celebrate your own wedding anniversary together, why is he blowing it on a spa? And if it was a treat, why is a man he knows from work treating him to a spa day rather than any other close friend or relative or partner?
5. Why didn’t he mention what he was doing and check you were ok with him missing your anniversary?
6. Why didn’t he mention the spa at all, even after he came back from it? What’s he hiding it for?
7. Was it definitely just the two of them?

OP, two men going for a spa day together when one has a wedding anniversary and is keeping the trip secret from his wife is not normal. Don’t let him try to make out you’re the one who is BU here.

I would not be celebrating a 2nd anniversary

Is he gay?

Man here. Probably toxic, but I would literally have pins pushed in my eyes than go for a spa day - with a man. Wife ?, under silent protest. Depending on how much they were looking forward to it.

You've every right to be upset. He knows it was out of order but the deception is even worse than missing the anniversary.

I mean - DH and I forget our anniversary every single year, so not the best to be weighing in on this. But the difference is it doesn’t mean much to us - it obviously does to you.

Did you actually verbalise that importance to him?

DH and I got lucky in that we don’t care about much bar birthdays and Christmases…but those are more important to me by far. DH would be happy with a sandwich on Christmas Day and no decorations. That won't fly with me. But it’s taken years and a few conversations to make him realise that maybe he needs to show up for these because I value them.

If you seemed chilled about him doing something else on the day through your assumption he was working and he’s one of those that doesn’t rate these kinds of things, he probably didn’t think it was a big deal. Talk to him - you guys have only been together for 4 years. Time to start having these kinds of conversations.

I go for quite a few spa days. In expensive places and cheaper places. I’ve never seen 2 men together at a spa. If I did, I’d assume they were gay. Are you sure he was there with the work colleague?

1. its perfectly reasonable to ask your spouse if they really need to miss your first anniversary.
2. your husband’s behavior very much indicates he is having an affair

Sounds like he is already taking you for granted.

The only way my DH would go to a spa day would be a coupley thing with me. Going with another man on your anniversary is sus.

Really odd behaviour you have every right to be pissed off this might be your future anniversary’s never celebrated he’s in the wrong but putting it on you he’s a selfish prick who deliberately went off on your special day.