To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

I expect his husband had a decent pension and she gets a survivors’ pension. I’ll get one too if I outlive my bloke. It’s pretty normal.

"She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money".
The above statement is just disgusting. You should both be ashamed of yourselves. You and your husband are are grabby. MIL can spend her money on what she likes.
I agree MIL should do things to help but the rest of what you have wrote is disgusting. You sound unpleasant.

Where did I say everyone needs to run themselves ragged over her? Oh yeah that's right I didn't.

“She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money”

WTF did I just read? I am appalled and disgusted at you OP, I did feel a bit of empathy at first until I read the above, now I’m like JFC. I hope your MIL spends every penny and fucks you both off. What on earth makes you think this money belongs more to your DH than her? Just W O W.

And quite honestly this lady's finances are no-one's business.

She might eat baked beans four days a week to fund that taxi trip to her family. We don't know.

‘technically is spending all of his inheritance’

Ah so there it is - you tolerate her because you hope to get her money but you don’t want her to spend too much of either her time or money with you. Presumably the reason you don’t have an honest conversation with her, or tell her not come, is that your DH might come off the will and then…

Grim.

It's funny I'm in the middle here. I've older parents who are declining very slowly but enough that we need to do little things that we didn't before which I'm very happy to do and grown up kids so I'm aware we're the next generation with the potential to irritate if we get intolerant inlaws.

Fortunately ours are with lovely dps and I can't imagine any would strop if I couldn't turn the telly or disapprove if one of us 'shrank' or turned into 'nervous wrecks'...

Oh please! How has the human race survived all these years, without the
“ 30 minute rule” ? Once upon a time, we lived in a society where seatbelts weren’t compulsory. Thank god they are now, but common sense is important too.

No comment on the “ going to bed at 7pm rule “.

It is HER money.

It's not your DH's inheritance.

I was on your side till you came out with this entitled tosh!

What a nasty pile on.
Yes you will be in the trenches, likely up multiple times during the night.

Who would want a guest who has form for being a lazy arse, even with a heavily pregnant woman.

OP, deal with the guilt.
Tell your husband to deal with his, or go stay with her.
I wouldn't want her for a week.
She sounds filthy too.
I wouldn't want her near my children.

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.
😬

Your mother-in-law may not be a narcissist but she's very enmeshed with your husband and expects him, and by default, you, to wait on her hand and foot.
There's a reason he left home at 18, and now lives 4 hours away. Remind yourselves of it! I suggest you and your husband also read up on fear - obligation - guilt (FOG). It will likely resonate.
Being kind, take a deep breath and go into grey rock mode regarding this Christmas.
Tell your MiL that it is just going to be you four together. Full stop, end of. Repeat ad nauseum.
For the love of all that is holy, don't make any promises about next year.

'No comment on the “ going to bed at 7pm rule'

Sorry I missed this, so everyone even guests go to bed at 7pm?

What has been an eye opener for me are how many people have no idea about what it's like to have awful parents, or what it's like when awful parents age and expect you to step up, despite having spent years bullying you, being mean and spiteful and selfish. Or what it's like to be called lazy and vile when you decide you don't want to.

You lucky sods.

@Gloriia sitting in the back of a cab for 4 hours and then expecting to be waited on hand and foot for a week isn't exactly active or thoughtful. That's before you put the 2 very young children in the mix. MIL has been heavily pregnant and l bet she didn't run around after people capable of doing stuff themselves

'I wouldn't want her for a week.She sounds filthy too.I wouldn't want her near my children.'

what awful comments

So does she fly to these expensive holidays and go on her own

Goodness! If MIL has been heavily pregnant at her age, no wonder she's taking taxis!

I'm waiting for the drip that the filthy MIL only showers once a month.

Totally agree, and I'm sorry you sound to have similar family of origin to mine. It took a counsellor to say to me that it wasn't my responsibility to care for my aged abusive FOO before I started to realise.
We digress. I suspect @Wisher88 husband has a similar dynamic. They have my sympathy.

It was the "chosen not to move on" that had me on the MIL's side. How inconvenient of her.

The number of posters on MN that sacrificed years hosting awful family when their children were young, only to deeply regret it later, is a regular feature on MN.

Don't do it. Most certainly not after having a baby when she won't lift a finger.

I simply wouldn't entertain it.
Also you no longer have space for her to stay.
Best she stay next time in a hotel or airbnb.

Bad guests don't have to be tolerated.

But it seems many people are totally cool about the OPs inheritance comments. Makes me wonder if they view their older relatives in the same way.

Yes, I'm thinking it's just people using it as a turn of phrase without actually pausing and thinking about what it actually means.

And tbh, I was the same before a couple of weeks ago when I started reading WW1 literature... Obviously I knew what the trenches were, but reading first hand accounts has really affected me.

Perhaps the OP's use is the first time I've read it since and that is why it's so jarring. But the flippant use just comes across really ignorant.

Have I missed something? Was the MIL abusive to her son?

I recall seeing that she didn't encourage her son to learn to drive. (Neither did my parents. I took lessons once I was working and could afford to pay for them - not that unusual.)