To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

Would she be welcome if she changed her ways and contributed some effort? If so do tell her exactly that.
Alternate years are also a good idea. Starting with elsewhere for this one if she can't help you with new baby etc.

Yoyr MIL sounds similar to my SIL. Although, she expects us to travel to her as she says "I don't travel".

DH refuses to be guilt tripped and we visit when it suits us.

Ignore the posters giving you a pasting.

Yep, it made me recoil for the same reason. I’d gaily use ‘on the barricades’ allusively in casual chat, but if the trenches referred to are indeed THE trenches, then I think we’re still within the period of maintaining a respectful distance with the word.
(Probably an age thing though, as the likes of me had grandfathers who really knew about the trenches. Younger generations doubtless haven’t the same visceral horror at the thought. Maybe?)

Doesn't seem to have lived any life since her DH passed away & has lost her way in life, encouragement is needed to have friends & find a bit of a social life , is she depressed anxious? She doesnt sound very emotional involved towards her GD either? Children are the happiness in our live's but she sounds uninterested in everything around her?.maybe a discussion with her with you both to find out why shes so emotionally detached from you all? Because she seems unsure where she is in life , it can't be all laziness surly? 9 grandchildren i have they completely melt my heart i couldn't imagine not playing with them listening to them.giving my attention back to them, maybe some straight talking , instead of going through the motions yearly will clarify it up but good luck & follow your heart alway's.

Well, I spent 320 on an airport return transfer earlier this year. I was heading to a family wedding abroad and realised that the faff of using public transport was going to be too much for me when I had a case to carry and driving to and parking at the airport car park was going to cost nearly as much.

I'm in the process of sorting out my funeral. I'll stay in my own home as long as I can. Once I lose what's left of my marbles or become too infirm to cope on my own, the house will be sold to pay for that.

I can't imagine that a caring family would expect its older members to scrimp and save purely to provide an inheritance for the next generation: you look after your family when they're young and help out when you can.

She won't get the train ..

Honestly just pretend you’re going away. Have an enjoyable Christmas and see her next year. You’re allowed to have a nice Christmas to yourselves :)

Have you offered two hours has her son offered to get on a train with her to build her confidence up again .
It sounds like more than anything she needs someone to spend time with her and take an interest in her

Re selective reading out of all my post it's the train you focused on

Scrimp and save? She hasn't worked for 30 years 😂😂 how can she afford taxis and fancy holidays?!

Why is she criticising your parenting decisions when she basically shows no interest in your daughter? The learned helplessness wouldn't be so bad if she was a kind and loving grandparent who played with your child but she doesn't seem bothered.

Yeah, I’d been picturing this man, who OP told us was knotted to his overcaring mother’s apron strings, as having emerged blinking into adult life in his mid-20s. (Hence his deferred driving, for one thing)
Yet now we find he moved out like the rest of us at 18! No excuse, no matter how much of a slave to her men his mum was. He should have been a competent housekeeper well before his marriage. Sitting back being oblivious is not acceptable. (I’m basing that niggle on OP indicating it’s very much not the case)

I think a great deal of the long list of nitpicks about MIL are ‘referred pain’. She’s actually hopping mad about her slacking husband, in loads of little ways.
But it’s easier to see MIL as the fount of all that is wrong now. Cross about having her over Christmas? DH should have either nixed this, or arranged a great compromise, since OP is so adamant she doesn’t want this visit. But he’s done nothing, so OP is fuming at his mother.

In the case of the OP's MIL, I should imagine that she inherited a good pension and/or insurance payout. I'm sure she'd rather have had her husband.

Why shouldn't she spend that money? She's already brought up her son.

How awful to see it as her wasting her own money 'spending' your DH's inheritance as she is too anxious to drive to you or travel by train alone. She obviously has issues and will not be here forever. Perhaps if you actually said MIL could you please help with XYZ while you are doing something else she may just actually do it!!
From your attitude towards her regarding your DH inheritance though I hope she develops a love of cats and leaves every penny of it to the Cat's Protection League!!

My parents are 4 hours drive away . I’m being selfish this year and pleasing myself .
I will see them for new year but avoid fhe en mass’s gathering
However , I have 2 siblings . If I was an only child probably would feel obligated .

Yea , suggest she goes to her friends .
Is it a better option you going there - would she wait on you more ? Does she have the space ?

Just a note, you can book train tickets with assistance & they will take her to her seat & make sure she gets off. My DD15 with ASD takes solo train rides to see her dad which is about a 2 hour train ride.

There's no reason she can't make her own drinks /sandwiches, she must do it at home. I would fill her up a 2 litre bottle with water & give her a glass. If you're making a drink for yourself that's one thing, but you're not waiting staff. With meals, just give her a small portion of whatever you're having and put up with the tantrum. If it's something she can't eat/doesn't like then it's reasonable to give her an alternative.

Perhaps the mil wasn't criticising just discussing? For example my dmil used to tell me they started babies on baby rice at 10 weeks in the old days. It was a chat it wasn't a criticism but if you're touchy you'll view every comment as a slight.

I was with you OP until you started talking about your MIL spending her son’s inheritance. So tell me, are things you approve of ok for her to spend her own money on? Should she be given a subsistence allowance of her own money so your dh gets a decent whack when she dies? Jeez. How would you like your kids policing your spending so they get more inheritance?

If it was me, I’d leave this with my husband to deal with. If he wants his mother to stay, I’d accommodate it (without too many pleasantries), it’s his family after all, whether I like it or not…

As it’s DH’s mother, if he wants her there, he can do all the shopping, cooking, dishes and hosting. You can do all the child care, which will be a full time job in itself. Could your DH ask his Mum if she would actually like to help cook the dinner and with the other jobs? (I mean speak openly and arrange everything in advance) I would prioritise what you think is best for the two little ones, and if that means Christmas without MIL, then DH can speak to her in advance about the situation and her other options,

I thought all of this too.

It's astonishing the number of Dil's on here who are obsessed with "our own little family" but can't compute their DH is to their MIL what their dc are to them.

When PILs are widowed that's even more the case.

In this case the MIL has done nothing worse than take a taxi and not arrange her personal life to suit op.

I don't think it is reasonable for the op to have to run around after the MIL with a young baby; but that is something to tackle by explaining that limited aspect, not cutting her out entirely.

She's happy getting a taxi though.

In that instance it's unlikely her son would be required to foot the bill

I think you should welcome her. I know it’s hard work and not an easy time with young children, but when parents are no longer with us, that’s really sad. I would love to invite my parents for Christmas, but they have passed away. It’s only a few days. I know people who travel the whole day to pick up a parent so they can spend time together with their families. Our years with older parents and in-laws isn’t as long as we think. We absolutely make an effort for my husband’s parents.

so if you told her to get her own water and food, and she doesn't, and you then remind her to get her own water and food, what actually happens next? You said she cries? Does she say why?