To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

We have offered tickets with assistance. DH has done the full train, halfway and every other possible option to slowly build up her confidence again. I printed out the full journey so she could tick off the stops, I've printed off maps for the stations of where the toilets are and the coffee shops. There's been no end to the problem solving we have tried.

Look OP, it’s not your DH’’s inheritance that’s being spent. This is totally the wrong mindset and sounds a bit greedy, TBH.. It’s your MiL’s to spend however she wants. Are you really judging all her expenditure in the same way?

As for Christmas, I can see how frustrating it must be having her expecting to be waited on hand and foot, particularly if she’s more than capable of looking after herself. Can your H not have a wor either her? And I’d be saying … here you are, MiL, here’s a tea towel, can you dry these dishes please? I’m just going to peel some spuds, H is on child watching, so can you peel these carrots? While H and I are busy doing X would you mind getting the kettle on and making everyone tea? Etc.

“She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.”

WOW - any chance your hubby has married someone as self centred as his mother!

You shouldn't have to be a martyr every Christmas.

This woman may be your MIL, but she is ultimately a badly behaving guest, and given her behavior and your situation, you are within your right to not want to host guests who behave this way every single Christmas.

She comes over, is negative and needy, expects to be waited on hand and foot, is not interested in the children, and shows up empty handed and offers no help. At what point do her feelings alone matter? And at the price of yours? And at what point is your DH enabling her by letting this go on?

It sounds like she needs to make some changes to become a more polite house guest. Sure, she wants to see her son, but it's all on her terms.

I don't think there is an easy way out of this given that she will likely assume she can come every year.

Having a new baby may be the best time for a "reset" when it comes to family traditions and expectations. It's a convenient excuse to now reframe how holidays will be going forward. Two kids are more work, especially when they are both little, and given that and your recovery, etc, etc, it is simply not a good year to host. Another way out of this longer term is to then use this Christmas as the starting point of a new tradition that doesn't include her staying for a week. Perhaps you can offer up a weekend around New Year's as an alternative with a more limited timeframe.

You need to tell her that you’ll have a young baby and active toddler and she either takes you as she finds you and mucks OR she goes elsewhere……..one of those situations where you just have to rip off the plaster!
Spending that much on a taxi when there’s a train service is obscene….she must be nuts!!

You sound pleasant

Well considering he was also his father maybe some could be left to him? And she's not worked for 30 years but still goes on fancy holidays 🤔 think she's spending quite alot don't you think

She stays 24-27th

Imagine this was mil last Christmas how would dh feel if he didn't see her.

OP you have drip-fed and disagree with almost everyone who has not agreed with you.

A lot of what you write is dripping with distain for your MIL. MIL has been villanised, you don't seem to have an awful lot of nice things to say and you are not coming across as very tolerant. If she is so awful, why did you integrate yourself into her family?

I'm also positive that you aren't perfect. She is the only extended family you have and she will likely not be a 'problem' forever.

Lots on here will have no mother figure in their lives so all this begging on MIL is insensitive and the talk of inheritance at the beginning of this thread made you sound very unbecoming.

But if it wasn't because your parents were declining, but that there was an element of faux helplessness when they visited, it would get tiresome after a while. There's an element of her making decisions such as I'm too nervous to get the train, which has the consequence of her not being as independent, and means she then becomes less confident doing other things. But at the same time lives on her own independently.

You are really mean and greedy. It’s her son and her money to spend any way she wants. You should have her over and just ask DH to tell her she needs to get her own drinks etc.

You could say for everyone? Do you host your family for several days every Christmas?

Why would you be in the trenches? Unless your DH is as useless as his mother, you are a 2 adult household hosting a guest for a couple of nights.

There is always one…….

I do.

They lose confidence as they get a bit older so I could be like you and roll my eyes and say for goodness sake there's nothign wrong with them but I prefer to be supportive and kind.

If you're kind and tolerant people are less likely to flap and stress.

I do agree she should get her own drinks that one needs pushing but maybe she feels uncomfortable around you? Next visit <not this Christmas definitely suggest she passes this year> get your dh to do more with her.

Loads of people do exactly that. And not just at Christmas - Easter, summer holidays, birthdays, weddings. Plenty of us host relatives at times that are busy or inconvenient. If you don’t want to, don’t (though surely it should be your DH’s decision rather than yours alone). But don’t assume everyone has the same difficulty accommodating family. Who are, by their nature, imperfect and downright irritating at times.

I think they mean with the new baby.

And new babies are hard work.

So explain to MIL it may be a simpler affair this year. Nothing wrong in that.

She’s entitled to spend her own money. Ffs what’s wrong with you? It’s perfectly normal for couples to have mirror wills ~ not least because there’s no inheritance tax payable ~ and the offspring get what’s left when the second spouse dies.

Well exactly. She's never worked, even when DH went off to uni at 18. She's lived off the life insurance for decades.
She has no concept of money at all, the mortgage was paid off before she became a widow. She'll say things to us like "you need a bigger house" because she wants her own room and this last time didn't because we are now using it for children. DH & I worked hard to buy a house, scrimped and saved, paid for our wedding etc and have never asked her for a penny, and always expected to pay our own way, and spoil her when she comes down with days out, meals out etc and she doesn't reach into her own pocket, because she's blown it all on an unnecessary taxi journey.

Op please have your Christmas as a family of 4. I have read through all your responses & the only reason you have not decided to do this so far is that you are a nice person who feels guilty at putting your family first. You are being picked apart for some thoughtless comment about inheritance but that is not the point of this post. A newborn & a toddler are hard work & reading about your MIL she sounds more hard work than helpful. It’s one Christmas it’s not the end of the world. Your MIL does have other options & even if she doesn’t it will do her no harm to have a Christmas on her own. Tell her as soon as possible and as kindly as possible that you are not having guests this Christmas as you are not up to it with 2 small ones & look forward to seeing her at Easter. Be prepared for the emotional blackmail or tears or whatever. You have hosted her for many years & may still have many years of this. Enjoy your Christmas guilt free & preserve your energy for the next visit at Easter. I have had many elderly relatives like this. Some people do not even consider them & will leave them alone with no good reason. Others will run themselves into the ground to ensure they are looked after. I think you are the latter person so this year just have a break from hosting! I hope you have a safe birth & a lovely Christmas.

Yep a new baby and a 2 year old. Pretty reasonable to not want to host for several days.

She's only 70.
Imagine there's 30 more of these to do! 😨

if your DH's father left his estate to his wife then it is not your "DH's inheritance" it is his mother's money until she passes.

maybe you could suggest she go on a slap up world cruise (using her money) that includes the Christmas period?

that will solve your problem easily and if long enough solve Easter too.

Never mind, I expect you’ll get it in the end. Does she ask to be taken out for meals or do you offer?