To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

My understanding is that OP and her DH, will be going to bed at 7pm, as baby can’t be left alone. Not sure about guests.

I love the “chosen not to find a new partner”!!! Who on earth would want to take on this ageing child? 😃🤷‍♀️

I don't think many people would host family for a week with two small kids?!

People with relatives who live at a distance do. I used to do xmas every year for mil and pil and his siblings because we had the most spare rooms. Right from when the kids were babies to adults. Living 300 miles away meant they needed to stay at least a few days to a week.

This is total bollocks @Wisher88 - both my DSD have learnt and taken their tests in the last 3 years. Please stop excusing this by suggesting there’s a 5 year backlog. There isn’t.

She doesn’t sound like a very good guest so no YANBU .

To add, if someone doesn’t want to remarry it doesn’t mean they haven’t moved on just means they don’t want to remarry !

you are being very very unreasonable, she obviously lives quite a distance away and you would rather she spend Christmas away from her family rather than keep her topped out with water and include her in your family meals, you sound very mean

I had four kids under the age of five ( all grown up now) and used to host Christmas for loads of people its all in the prep ( just do it the night before) get ready prepared veg, get a a big hug if water and a glass put it besides your mother in law, explain that you won't have the time to do much for her if she wants anything she needs to help herself, ask her if she's coming to help with the children? See what her answer is. Or failing that do what we do now book in at the Indian restaurant for Christmas dinner ( its really cheap ) and after I've just cooked 35 Christmas dinners in a care home I'm definitely not cooking another

Spending your DH inheritance? It’s not his money yet, it’s hers and she can spend it any way she likes. I’m also not keen on your comment that she only had one child. What if that was all she could have? I think you need a bit more sensitivity here

It's not 'technically' your husbands inheritance it's 100% your mother in laws money, to do with as she wishes.

You actually resent her spending money that reduces how much she will leave when she dies and yet you really don't like her. Look at your 2 year old and imagine their partner thinking the same about you in 25 years or so.

Imagine she read you resent her spending this 'inheritance'. Imagine how she'd feel.

I am not sure I agree with this. What I read in the OP's posts is not disdain just frustration, and tbh the MIL does sound like a nightmare. The OP does sound like a good DIL actually, and hosts/visits her regularly despite finding her challenging.

With one small child and another on the way, the OP & her DH will be stretched to the limit...if anything they will need support not the further responsibility of a needy adult.

It is a shame that so many posters have picked up on the flippant remark about inheritance. The OP also indicated that it is a shame her MIL hadn't found a new partner....if she had, then that really might have an impact on their inheritance. So the OP doesn't sound mercenary to me.

Thank you so much.

Exactly that. If we weren't nice we wouldn't have put up with it for this long. And we have bent over backwards to accommodate her.

If she lived down the road and could get here under own steam, pop in and pop out, then we'd of course welcome her with open arms and grin and bear it for a few hours.

Oh dear. What will rules about when you can have a wee it all sounds a bit draining for residents let alone anyone visiting.

I've read all your updated posts with increased bafflement.

There's nothing reasonable about it; your baby will be 12 weeks not days. You are two grown adults. It's completely normal to have one close family member with you for Christmas.

You don't like her and you don't want to see her - ok, own that. Stop saying it's because of having a small baby and all the rest.

If her behaviour was the only annoying thing, you'd have a direct conversation and then live with the consequences.

Your subsequent posts about car seats and sleep arrangements are ... madness.

Why on earth can't OP's MIL get herself a drink of water? She is the worst kind of guest, high maintenance and needy, needs to be waited on hand and foot and doesn't even bother with her grandchild. OP has her every single year for Christmas and wants this one year without her as she will have a new baby to look after. If MIL wants to be invited every year, maybe she should try and be a better guest and grandmother.

I don’t think she’s thought through the financial implications of mil having a new partner and all that lovely money potentially going elsewhere.

it doesn’t matter if she she hasn’t worked in the last 30 years or so, her husbands money is HER money and I really hope she now spends the lot of it getting taxis the length and breadth of Britain 🚕

I think he's supposed to be rich ... and die first...

If I had the money and could afford it, I'd love to get door to door taxis. I don't see any problems with that.

How awful to have children (or their wives) that are just focussed on their inheritance... I hope she leaves all her money to The Cats Protection.

Generally, if someone is staying with you at Christmas then you are hosting them, and it would be very bad form to expect them to do things for themselves (extremely lazy hosting). Maybe this is a generational thing (I'm 58).

Unless your husband was brought up by Nannies, his mother would have done her share of heavy lifting and would have waited on him hand and foot, so maybe cut her some slack.

Frankly OP, you sound awful. Maybe take some time and imagine yourself in your MIL's place.

I’m sure you’re right.

Pretty unlikely that she is going to find a new partner after 30 years as a widow, particularly when she sounds needy, demanding and lazy.

I was fairly sympathetic to the MIL until I read the hygiene thing about snotty tissues on your sofa. I’d have zero tolerance to that.

Shes an elderly guest who expects you to wait on her. Ok - but she needs to respect your boundaries about your home and that would 100% be one for me, particularly with small children you don’t want getting sick over Christmas. Your house - your rules!

She obviously has the money so why shouldn’t she spend it on what she wants. I think you need to remember her husbands money is her money

If her mortgage is paid off you can keep your eye on house prices and add that onto your DH's potential inheritance.

Well maybe so but unlike you I can't read the OP's mind.

The irony of posters on here putting the worst possible interpretation on the OP's motivations whilst berating her for 'sounding awful'.

I'm not sure if @Wisher88 has mentioned the MIL's age. She could only be in her 60s, so hardly elderly and certainly should be capable of driving and doing everything under her own steam.

I'm mainly sympathetic to the OP. The MIL sounds exasperating. It's incredibly inconsiderate to expect to be waited on hand and foot if you are staying with family and friends for several days, especially a family with small children. To even refuse to get yourself a drink is ridiculous. Apart from that, she doesn't even bother with her grand daughter. She also sounds generally demanding, negative and very dependent on her son, which must be stressful for him.

I think the inheritance comment is completely unreasonable though.