To ask for pithy but classy comeback for SIL?

[YoYoYoYoSigh]

I've always struggled with my weight. I'm currently 8.5 stone down, up from 11 stone down 12 months ago 😬.

My not-darling-SIL is obsessed with weight and body image small talk.

I hardly see her, but there's a family event soon and I know one of the first things she'll mention is some sort of snide comment on how well I look. To clarify, she's not the type to give a compliment, only a back handed compliment. She'll often do that disengenous shit where she disparages herself (god, I'm just feeling such a heifer atm) when she knows that my comparative are much worse. It's all done to make me feel shit. And it hurts but I'm trying to change my mindset to she her as tedious.

So she'll definitely mention my/her weight when we meet to draw attention to my struggles and to unsettle me.

I want to go high and stay classy, but I also want her to subtly know that I know her game.

Is there any approach I can take that won't be inappropriate in a celebration setting.

I'm stronger now thanks menopause (ex people pleaser/ feelings smotherer) but I'm still letting her niggles have power over me. 🥲

I think this is the best answer (haven’t got to the end yet!) but while you’re talking to her, - before you’re talking to her - carefully visualise her as three inches tall and squeaking away when she speaks. It really helps.

How on earth would that help?! A puzzled & concerned look is also a hurt look which is what she’s looking for!

Don’t. Just don’t. Rehearsed ‘witty’ comebacks are invariably anything but (and nor do they tend to be delivered with the necessary confidence), and what happens when she’s got her own comeback and you’ll have to think on your feet? She’s practiced in passive aggressive digs, you’re not.

Besides, taking up as player two by engaging in the same game only demonstrates to her that she’s successfully needled you, which is exactly what she was aiming to do. She won’t be shut down, she’ll be delighted.

If you do want to address it then do so directly and plainly.

Say “I can recommend X method, SIL. It worked wonders for me!”

Not sure how a puzzled look = hurt but there you go.

My point was to not engage. Don't play the game (play stupid games, win stupid prizes).

Let her crack on while you sail, smoothly, serenely unbothered, away.

I'd actually almost feel sorry for the poor cow, needing so desperately to put others down to make herself feel good.

Don't sink to that level. You don't need to.

Well bless your heart....

I love being disingenuous in these situations.

"Gosh I think you look amazing! Isn't it so nice when women lift each other up rather than try to put each other down. It's so insecure and petty." Then smile only with my mouth, not my eyes.

Look at your partner and wink. Then look down and try to hide a smirk. That will unsettle her.

If she disparages herself you could say ‘Cathy you really shouldn’t talk that way about yourself you know. If I thought things like that about myself I’d feel really down. I do feel lucky that I love loads about my appearance and I tend to focus on that’. With a lovely kind, generous and slightly sympathetic smile.

Apologies I posted and then headed to my day job, didn't expect this level of response, so thank you all, there's much food for though dya see what I did there?

To answer a few questions yes I lost 11 stone and then put 2 5 stone back on in 18 months (not a year as typed above). I cannot remember the last time I saw her, but probably am about a stone heavier than then. I tend to wear floaty dresses so she probably won't notice any difference. BUT whatever my weight it's entirely predictable that one of the first things out of her mouth will be about weight. Sigh

I've read through everything and I definitely agree going high, ignoring, blatantly changing the subject or asking her to repeat herself will be the best approach.

I've memorised (hahaha I'm menofug) a few but I'd probably blend a few responses in my tension and appear nonsensical 😂.

I'll move away from her after the obligatory small talk.

She's DH's brother's wife (so technically not a SIL?) and 21 years older than me.

I'm having my hair styled in the morning to make me swish with confidence and I'll be wearing a wrap dress to empathise my killer buzzom.

My strategy is empty glass of fizz in my hand for tactical excusing myself for refilling, offering to help craft and distribute the hot beverages, and I'll research the IMF's latest thoughts on the Global Economy's tenuous resilience amid persistent uncertainty to enforce a subtle change of subject.

DH will not be there sadly, so bingo card will have to be at the post event debrief.

Me and my sister do this with our mother when we see her; tick off each negative or nasty comment as we go. My sister has been there most of the day today, and has a Full House!

You could always do the classic Mumsnet head tilt and tinkly laugh.

I’d do this and ask her if she’s okay - draws attention to her barbed comment but you just look caring. It’s a classic Mumsnet passive aggressive move.

“Ah yes, middle aged spread.”

Just tell her how brave she is with her dress sense, latest hairstyle, make up style etc.

Just say what my nan always says when someone has gained a few pounds.

“you’re looking well.” 😆

We used to do this with my grandma! Not obviously as she was a darling old lady who we dearly loved. But also there were some comments she made which needed tongue biting to not respond.

knowing we were all waiting for the comment about reading the obituaries to spot her friends made it less upsetting when she did.

🤣

When she comes at you with a underhand comment, tell her, you know you look good, plenty of people tell you all the time. ...and that you love the attention it brings just like you are doing right now.....Don't forget to smile at all times...good luck

Say to her 'does being unkind to people come easy yo you or do you have to practise '
Then walk off and don't engage in her crap

I have a friend from one of the southern states of America. Her response to anything like this is "Oh bless your heart". This can be interpreted as anything from a positive "Bless you for your kindness" through to "You are a total fuckwit". I love it so much I often think it in my head when an outward response is not appropriate

Get yourself dolled up, just think be confident and bat any comments off with a smile. You being happy and confident is the biggest 2 fingers up. She sounds very insecure, pity her.

You cannot control her behaviour, but you can control your reaction to it. I would make a mental list of all the things you expect her to do, and if she reaches a critical number of them you are allowed to reward yourself in some way, buying something to treat yourself for example. Then every thing she does to hurt you is actually building up to you getting a treat. It changes your mindset and becomes an amusement rather than a trap. Your reaction of pleasure to her barbed comments will also confuse her.

'Gosh SIL, you do seem to have some unresolved issues about body weight - you circle back to it so often!'

Yawn after she says anything then ask her to repeat herself.