To ask for pithy but classy comeback for SIL?

[YoYoYoYoSigh]

I've always struggled with my weight. I'm currently 8.5 stone down, up from 11 stone down 12 months ago 😬.

My not-darling-SIL is obsessed with weight and body image small talk.

I hardly see her, but there's a family event soon and I know one of the first things she'll mention is some sort of snide comment on how well I look. To clarify, she's not the type to give a compliment, only a back handed compliment. She'll often do that disengenous shit where she disparages herself (god, I'm just feeling such a heifer atm) when she knows that my comparative are much worse. It's all done to make me feel shit. And it hurts but I'm trying to change my mindset to she her as tedious.

So she'll definitely mention my/her weight when we meet to draw attention to my struggles and to unsettle me.

I want to go high and stay classy, but I also want her to subtly know that I know her game.

Is there any approach I can take that won't be inappropriate in a celebration setting.

I'm stronger now thanks menopause (ex people pleaser/ feelings smotherer) but I'm still letting her niggles have power over me. 🥲

This is the best so far!

She'll often do that disengenous shit where she disparages herself (god, I'm just feeling such a heifer atm) when she knows that my comparative are much worse.
Answer 'Oh you don't look that bad.'

Reply:
Oh I've lost loads on the x diet. Would you like a link? Then proceed to talk her through a couple of recipes, maybe even getting other people to join in.. Come over here Ethel, yadda yadda etc

@AmuseabooshI think the OP has said she’s put on some weight since her big loss so is anticipating a snide comment (am I right? You lost 11 stone but have put one and a half back on)?
Either way, I’d just act like I’m the best looking woman in the room. She says ‘I’m such a heifer but YOU look WELL’ ‘Oh thank you I‘m feeling pretty good these days’ big smile. Just take what she says at face value instead of thinking what she really means.

If someone is pissing me off I tend only to respond to questions, comments just get a hard stare.
If someone says something very offensive I ask them to clarify or repeat it, people rarely do

You know what, the classiest thing is to simply feel deeply sorry for her. She is so messed up, and that will have come from external influences, so what she says is always a reflection of just how desperately miserable she is on the inside. Don’t engage with that at all. ‘I’m really sorry you feel that way SiL, have you thought about therapy?’ If you want to be mean though. And if you want to be kind and add something positive into the world, say something kind, even when she is being mean. You’ll feel better for it. Basically just don’t allow any of the nonsense to wobble your head, your weight doesn’t define you or anyone else. It’s always easy to be mean, and makes you feel good for a moment, but if you can find the way to kindness it’s usually better all round.

She "god, I'm just feeling such a heifer atm"
You " Well you know what heifers turn into - cows" then calmly walk away with a wistful smile on your face.

Look her dead in the eye and say 'You're obsessed with me aren't you, you can't stop thinking about me and my body. Others have said it too.' and walk away.

Or. I’ve done sooooo well with my weightloss I’m happy to give you some pointers!

Byw - massive well done in your loss. It’s much harder to keep going when you have lots to lose because it’s a longer process. Don’t let some arsy cowbag take that achievement away from you

Interesting followed by you seem fixated on weight then change the subject.

I'd agree with taking her at face value. Her comments only work because you understand the snidness behind them. If you deliberately ignore that part of it you'll take all the wind out of her sails. If you want to go low (no judgement, we all succumb sometimes) you could turn her technique back on her: "I feel like such a heifer" "ooh, now, don't talk like that. Maybe treat yourself to a nice haircut to make yourself feel better"
(Bonus points if she's recently had it done 😈)

I was going to suggest this

SIL “I feel so fat/look like a heifer/I’ve been trying to look after myself (unlike you)”

You “You carry the extra weight well though SIL/I think it’s great that at your age you’ve given up caring! You should be proud to embrace aging the way that you have!”

I have a variety of Viola Davis facial responses for times like this.

No words have a better effect on some people.

This response is so much better than my suggestion! Use this!

SIL: “I feel like a heifer”
you: “Your skin/hair is looking really lovely at the moment, even if you do think you’ve gained weight”

Hold a mirror up to her behaviour:

It sounds like you are implying that I have put on weight/need to lose weight.

She will bluster and deny it. But it will hopefully make her realise you're aware of what she's doing and make her think twice before doing it again.

Just say Thank You. Big smile. No matter what she says keep repeating

Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them more.

@Evolutionarygoals
“ooh, now, don't talk like that. Maybe treat yourself to a nice haircut to make yourself feel better"

I like this but I would replace “nice haircut” with “more flattering haircut”

This is a good response because it agrees she’s got fatter, deflects/rises above the implicit criticism of your own weight, gives her genuinely good advice to stop being so negative, and also implies she has unflattering hair!

Hopefully it will stun her into silence and you can beat a hasty retreat

Agree. she can hardly get upset with you for agreeing with her.

Alternatively either ignore the comment completely and if she repeats it, tell her there's nothing more boring than fixating on one's or other people's weight, there's plenty of interesting things to talk about and you don't want to discuss anyone's weight every single time you meet up.

“You look better for it though Carol, I often think as we get older being too skinny ages us more, I much prefer you at this healthier weight.”

Awww, SIL, I think that extra 3 stone are quite becoming on you.

If she mentions her own weight I wouldn't even comment. I'd just give she a pitiful smile and move the conversation on

What does she say about your weight though?

When we’re all dead and gone, no one is going to be missing your weight, whether you are big or small. Managed to lose and keep off 11st, won’t be on your grave stone.

What people will miss is your kindness, the love you showed for those around you.

So don’t lower yourself to standards that make you the same as you SiL. If you are a nice person you’re already leaps and bounds ahead.

If she says ‘Oh look at you, still keeping ‘most’ of it off, whilst I’m here feeling so fat’. Just respond with “thank you”. And then move on. Honestly, smart comments won’t make you feel better and it won’t be just you who is thinking ‘what a dick’ honestly.

I don't know if you remember the journalist Jeremy Paxman? He was famous for his tough interviews and could cut down even the most experienced politican with a single word.

A politican would say something they thought was particularly clever and would "win" the point, Jeremy would just look them dead in the eyes and say "yeeess" in a shriveling tone, and immediately move on.

It was the highbrow version of "sure, Jan" eyeroll

Apparently in some parts of the US when someone has been rude they respond with " well aren't you lovely". I may have used it on my SIL when she's tried to flog me all her old crap.