In a real predicament- think I’ve settled. Don’t fancy my DH

[Whitemochaonice]

I don’t know if I ever did.
He came along when I was lonely, feeling desperate that I would never get married, have children like my friends.
We were friends first and he was kind, caring and generous. He’s always had a good body and is a very fit and active person. He’s also very well ‘equipped’ if you get my meaning! 😂
But facially (I feel awful saying it) I just think he’s unattractive.
We had sexual chemistry when we first met and rushed into a relationship.
Our sex is still very good, but I have to keep the lights off - which I feel terrible about saying.

My Exes were good looking, two in particular were very easy on the eye and I’d fund myself staring regularly, getting butterflies etc.

I've been told I’m attractive, I had/still have lots of male attention. But for some reason I’ve always had really low self esteem and low self confidence. When I was with my exceptionally attractive ex partners, I never felt good enough and always thought they’d wake up one day and wonder what they were doing with me.
Which is sort of what happened with one but the other was an entirely different story.

I just don’t know what to do. I would feel so ridiculous to end a marriage because of this. He is a fantastic dad to our son and he supports me in everything I want to do. He’s very honest and reliable.

. I would feel so ridiculous to end a marriage because of this. He is a fantastic dad to our son and he supports me in everything I want to do. He’s very honest and reliable.

Just keep the lights off OP - decent men like him are in short supply

Most women would be delighted to have an H like yours. But you are seriously thinking of ending your marriage because his face isn't handsome enough!
Honestly I despair. The poor guy. You took wedding vows to him and yet they mean nothing because he isn't handsome enough? That really makes a total mockery of the wedding ceremony.

What's with all the women who don't fancy their husbands today?🤔

Grow up😡

So you want someone who’s devilishly handsome, has a massive cock, a very fit body, active, great in bed, extremely supportive, honest, reliable, a brilliant dad (stepdad?), kind, caring and generous? And you’ll be what- a single divorced mum?! Haha! Good luck with that one! 😂😂

I think Boris is taken

This!

feel sorry for your DH

The grass is always greener.

You were with conventionally attractive men and felt uncomfortable and self-conscious. Is that how you want to feel? Would you really want to pay that price so you have a slightly prettier face to look at?

I’d stick if I were you.

I’m quite trigger happy with the ol’ LTBs on here but honestly OP, you sound ridiculous. He’s literally everything on paper but you’ve decided your exes were fitter? Come on now.

Totally agree with JimmyGiraffe. So much better to be with a good guy, than someone who’s easy on the eye but not… TBH in not very long you’ll both be old and ugly but he will STILL be a good guy - your son will thank you for ever for sticking with him.

As they say, if the grass is looking greener on the other side of the fence… water your own side!

You could marry the most perfectly sculpted man on the planet and he could be disfigured in a horrific accident the next day.

You sound like you still have a solid relationship and you love him.
Find something that does make you attracted to him. I adore my dh eyes, they are so beautiful.
To me butterflies are early relationship crap, love and trust and decent sex are good foundation

Honestly, there aren’t many men like that out there - you say he’s honest, reliable, kind, caring, supportive and generous. And he’s a good dad to your son.

What more could you possibly want? No one will tick every single one of your boxes. You have flaws and imperfections too, and your DH tolerates them.

You sound very immature and shallow, OP. We all get older and less attractive. Life is hard, life is tough - you need a partner who’ll be there in the trenches with you. Stop looking at external minutiae that doesn’t that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Should DH have to help you through a life-altering illness - would his attractiveness have any bearing on his ability to do that? Of course not. Would you be happier with an attractive man who was uncaring, unkind and selfish?

I speak as someone who married an unattractive man. He’s not handsome, no. But my god - he’s the kindest and best of men, a wonderful father to our children and I wouldn’t swap him for any one else. You’d be ridiculous to throw away a good marriage over this.

You should leave him so he can find someone who truly wants to be with him.

"Real predicament"... What an embarrassing post, OP.

You have a child together

Imagine explaining to your child in the future “yeah, I left your dad because while he was a great guy, lovely husband and a good dad, he just wasn’t good looking enough”.

Sounds good doesn’t it?!

Unfortunately MN is full of responders ready to jump down your throat, but I hear you OP.

It sounds like you have a good man here but he's not lighting your fires. It's a really difficult one, especially as there is a child involved.

Your choice is either to risk giving up something great for the hope of something as good but with passion, or counting your blessings and staying put.

Whichever choice you make, I think you need to start with yourself. If you have low self esteem, you're not going to make a success of either option. Why don't you get some therapy to work on these issues and find your love for yourself first.

Then, I would start to focus on all the good things about your DH. It sounds a bit like you're almost ranking people and you see yourself as too good for/more attractive than your DH., but less good than your exes because they were attractive/more attractive than you in your eyes. This is why you thought your exes would leave you and why you're thinking of leaving yours? If you start to focus on DH good qualities, he might start to become more attractive to you. Stop, for a time at least, with the wandering eye and just focus all your energies on your man, relationship and life. Really give it your all.

If after all that, you still feel unfulfilled and you think it will get worse and leave you resenting him, then maybe you should start to consider whether this is sustainable for you. I absolutely think, though, there are issues within yourself that you need to deal with first as I fear your predicament starts with that, without a doubt.

In the kindest way, do you think it could be worth getting some therapy of some kind?

You have a man, who by all accounts, sounds pretty much like the perfect husband. There must have been some attraction to his looks at the beginning for the rest of it to happen? Maybe some steps to rework on finding that magic, that spark and that attention?

I get that he may not be the perfect man on the attractive scale, but what would you want? You've mentioned you feel like your self esteem is low and with more attractive partners you'd be worried. Is that what you want again? To be worrying that they'll find someone better looking?

Looks fade over time. Something could disfigure the most attractive person on the planet, a bad surgery, an illness etc. Maybe you need to work on finding what attracted you to your partner initially and working from there.

The grass isn’t actually greener!

Get him to grow a beard, and job's a good'un.

Shallow as a puddle

You did say you feel awful for saying it, but imagine if your ex had put this post on about you!
Your husband sounds pretty amazing...what would you tell your son if you got divorced? What would you think of your dil if she divorced your son for the same reason? Surely you weren't in such a bad place that you had a relationship with, planned a wedding and married a man you weren't attracted to at all?! I reckon you're at a point in your relationship when its all old and his faults are more prominent, youre asking yourself if this is all there is? You'd probably the same if he were a stunner but about another characteristic!
Tomorrow imagine him not being there to say good morning, not coming home from work, not having any chats or dinner or being in bed next to you at night. Would you miss him? Does he make your skin crawl?
I wonder if he can sense your disgust? Maybe he deserves to be with someone who doesn't find him so ugly.

I think you are fantasising over nonsense. A chiselled chin doesn’t make a kind and caring man. You’re married with a child and I think you’re wondering if the grass might be greener. Be careful, it often isn’t.

Even the most beautiful people age and become 'unattractive', and it will happen faster than you think!

But I guess one does need at least a bit of sexual chemistry in a relationship, so I have no real advice for you.

I love my husband because of who he is, and will continue to love him as his body ages.

Lust fades over time to be replaced by something deeper. No matter how attractive someone is if you are permanently exhausted from all the housework or childcare, or you don't feel valued or cared for then you will no longer be wanting sex with that person. If you don't enjoy spending time with someone because you have little in common you will stop wanting sex with them.
Talking, laughing, the little things you do for each other every day keeps the sex alive