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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a real predicament- think I’ve settled. Don’t fancy my DH

169 replies

Whitemochaonice · 28/08/2025 22:34

I don’t know if I ever did.
He came along when I was lonely, feeling desperate that I would never get married, have children like my friends.
We were friends first and he was kind, caring and generous. He’s always had a good body and is a very fit and active person. He’s also very well ‘equipped’ if you get my meaning! 😂
But facially (I feel awful saying it) I just think he’s unattractive.
We had sexual chemistry when we first met and rushed into a relationship.
Our sex is still very good, but I have to keep the lights off - which I feel terrible about saying.

My Exes were good looking, two in particular were very easy on the eye and I’d fund myself staring regularly, getting butterflies etc.

I've been told I’m attractive, I had/still have lots of male attention. But for some reason I’ve always had really low self esteem and low self confidence. When I was with my exceptionally attractive ex partners, I never felt good enough and always thought they’d wake up one day and wonder what they were doing with me.
Which is sort of what happened with one but the other was an entirely different story.

I just don’t know what to do. I would feel so ridiculous to end a marriage because of this. He is a fantastic dad to our son and he supports me in everything I want to do. He’s very honest and reliable.

OP posts:
Endorewitch · 29/08/2025 23:20

My concern is for your husband who sounds a lovely guy. I am not bothered about what is right for you. You sound immature and shallow. It would be better for him if you left him now. You could have shared custody and could still be a good dad.
And a lovely man like that would soon find someone to appreciate him.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/08/2025 23:23

I did similar tbh and it was never a good marriage.

He turned out to be quite awful in other ways though - emotionally abusive and very moody - so it wasn’t a simple case of “oh it turns out I don’t fancy you”.

Diblin93 · 30/08/2025 00:09

Are you mad???? Read some of the threads on Mumsnet and you’ll see women who are married to absolute bastards. Leave this man at your peril. It will be the biggest mistake of your life. I think this lovely man deserves better than you.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 30/08/2025 00:14

He deserves to have a partner who is attracted to him, loves him, looking forward to the future together.
You deserve all these things too. 💖
Sometimes it isn't worth staying with someone because they're a good person. You'll eventually get the ick, it'll be awful for everyone involved.

salKeen5 · 30/08/2025 03:42

Please leave your DH and be honest of the reason. Don't waste his life. He deserves to find someone who truly wants him and to know that you are a shallow as a puddle and not worth getting upset over.

He will then find someone else and you can watch on. Whilst you wait for your prince.

SherlockStones · 30/08/2025 06:55

OP isn't coming back

Surprise, surprise.

ThatCyanCat · 30/08/2025 08:48

So literally the only thing wrong is that he doesn't have a very handsome face? Even though you guys still had attraction and chemistry initially? Everything else is great, including his physique and character and treatment of you?

That's it?

CommonAsMucklowe · 30/08/2025 11:41

What a shallow person you are. Yeah, divorce him and see how that goes for you. He'll be better off without you.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 30/08/2025 11:48

I did exactly the same as you and limped along for 9 years before I cheated on him then left him.We hadn't had sex in years.
Im now 12 years into a marriage with someone who I DO fancy.Its so important.

SlicedMelon · 30/08/2025 11:49

NachoChip · 28/08/2025 23:06

Unfortunately MN is full of responders ready to jump down your throat, but I hear you OP.

It sounds like you have a good man here but he's not lighting your fires. It's a really difficult one, especially as there is a child involved.

Your choice is either to risk giving up something great for the hope of something as good but with passion, or counting your blessings and staying put.

Whichever choice you make, I think you need to start with yourself. If you have low self esteem, you're not going to make a success of either option. Why don't you get some therapy to work on these issues and find your love for yourself first.

Then, I would start to focus on all the good things about your DH. It sounds a bit like you're almost ranking people and you see yourself as too good for/more attractive than your DH., but less good than your exes because they were attractive/more attractive than you in your eyes. This is why you thought your exes would leave you and why you're thinking of leaving yours? If you start to focus on DH good qualities, he might start to become more attractive to you. Stop, for a time at least, with the wandering eye and just focus all your energies on your man, relationship and life. Really give it your all.

If after all that, you still feel unfulfilled and you think it will get worse and leave you resenting him, then maybe you should start to consider whether this is sustainable for you. I absolutely think, though, there are issues within yourself that you need to deal with first as I fear your predicament starts with that, without a doubt.

Thank you. I wish more posters focused on giving answers like this. I honestly think mumsnet is going to lose all their engagement to chat gpt for people seeking advice/a sounding board - you’d have to be a masochist to post more than once to the nest of vipers on here!

OP I think people’s qualities are like a coin, there is always a dark side and a light side to the coin. As you’ve experienced, the light side to a beautiful face is butterflies but the dark side for you is always feeling anxious and inferior. The dark side to a plain face is lack of butterflies but the light side is that you feel comfortable and stable. We all have to choose what side of the coin we want more.

More broadly, looking at lovers who you feel you had spark with - it seems that was also wrapped up in feelings of fear that they would leave you - perhaps in your head you have equated love with drama and pain. Whereas in your relationship now you feel very stable and content and maybe this is being interpreted by you as boredom - but this is actually healthy love?

I think it’s okay to admit to yourself that you don’t find certain things attractive in your partner but best to focus on the things that you do like - a big willy and a great sex life are by nooooo means guaranteed if you find someone with a pretty face. I would take the former given the choice!

fluffiphlox · 30/08/2025 11:58

BeaLola · 28/08/2025 22:55

I think Boris is taken

Show quote history

Boris IS a massive cock, whether he has one or not is another thing.

Lonleyfox · 30/08/2025 17:14

I agree with other posts suggesting that working on your self esteem will help to clarify your feelings. Maybe trying something like hypnotherapy would give you reasonably quick results and possibly save your marriage

Londonismyjam · 31/08/2025 01:40

Ohmygoodnessgraciousme · 28/08/2025 23:01

Totally agree with JimmyGiraffe. So much better to be with a good guy, than someone who’s easy on the eye but not… TBH in not very long you’ll both be old and ugly but he will STILL be a good guy - your son will thank you for ever for sticking with him.

As they say, if the grass is looking greener on the other side of the fence… water your own side!

Old and ugly??????
I was agreeing with you till I read that.

Zanatdy · 31/08/2025 04:32

people are slating you, but having no physical attraction to your OH isn’t great. I was the same with my ex. Only he wasn’t as nice as your OH or I might have stayed. Either way though, it is a big deal feeling like that, but I do agree the grass isn’t always greener.

KimberleyClark · 31/08/2025 09:51

Zanatdy · 31/08/2025 04:32

people are slating you, but having no physical attraction to your OH isn’t great. I was the same with my ex. Only he wasn’t as nice as your OH or I might have stayed. Either way though, it is a big deal feeling like that, but I do agree the grass isn’t always greener.

She does have physical attraction to him though. Otherwise the sex wouldn’t be “very good” as she describes in her OP.

Ohmygoodnessgraciousme · 31/08/2025 19:12

Sorry, you’re totally right - old people are not ugly. I just meant, beauty is fleeting, don’t base your self-worth (or the worth of your partner) on that… character is more important and wonderfully it doesn’t tend to fade with time…

Millionsofmonkeys · 31/08/2025 19:19

My DH isn't the most handsome guy I ever saw.
But he's kind, caring, fit, good in bed, loyal, generous, loving.

30 years in I am older and fatter myself.

Sometimes we don't appreciate how lucky we are.

HerecomesMargo · 31/08/2025 19:21

I hope most of MN reads this post and realise that women can equally be twats. How self absorbed and shallow you sound op. He deserves better. Are you a model yourself?

nah1974 · 31/08/2025 19:39

I had all the handsome sporty boyfriends when I was younger but none of them wanted to commit and some of them were awful. Then I met DH. He was intelligent, generous and interested in me. He supported me and encouraged me to do things that I felt I couldn’t. We had the same outlook in life. We married. When DD and I were very ill he took everything on. He’s been a wonderfully reliable husband and father. Is he handsome? No. But he is the most handsome person to me because of who and how he is. He also turned out to be pretty good in bed …. Nothing in life is perfect. Maybe count your blessings?

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