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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a real predicament- think I’ve settled. Don’t fancy my DH

169 replies

Whitemochaonice · 28/08/2025 22:34

I don’t know if I ever did.
He came along when I was lonely, feeling desperate that I would never get married, have children like my friends.
We were friends first and he was kind, caring and generous. He’s always had a good body and is a very fit and active person. He’s also very well ‘equipped’ if you get my meaning! 😂
But facially (I feel awful saying it) I just think he’s unattractive.
We had sexual chemistry when we first met and rushed into a relationship.
Our sex is still very good, but I have to keep the lights off - which I feel terrible about saying.

My Exes were good looking, two in particular were very easy on the eye and I’d fund myself staring regularly, getting butterflies etc.

I've been told I’m attractive, I had/still have lots of male attention. But for some reason I’ve always had really low self esteem and low self confidence. When I was with my exceptionally attractive ex partners, I never felt good enough and always thought they’d wake up one day and wonder what they were doing with me.
Which is sort of what happened with one but the other was an entirely different story.

I just don’t know what to do. I would feel so ridiculous to end a marriage because of this. He is a fantastic dad to our son and he supports me in everything I want to do. He’s very honest and reliable.

OP posts:
LoveItaly · 29/08/2025 14:27

I think that you are very lucky to be married to such a lovely sounding man, and would guess if you were to leave for greener pastures would regret it eventually. I am sure that he wouldn’t be short of offers though, as decent men seem to be in short supply. Could you really justify disrupting the lives of your children for such a reason?

MyGreyStork · 29/08/2025 14:27

ConfusedSloth · 29/08/2025 14:24

Has celibacy got you angry and hallucinating?

Show quote history

😆😆😆😆😆😆😆 you can’t make this stuff up.

MyGreyStork · 29/08/2025 14:32

@JustPassingThruHere Well no. But you do know we can all read post history right? I’m not the one posting that I want to run away

SmallChild · 29/08/2025 14:33

You sound awful. Imagine knowing your husband felt the same about you. He sounds like a wonderful guy. I only hope he leaves you then you can find out how good you had it. You sound very childish and I only hope this is a wind up post. You also seem to rate your appearance very highly, do show us a photo. Your poor husband.

PiggingBastardPigs · 29/08/2025 14:34

JimmyGiraffe · 28/08/2025 22:39

. I would feel so ridiculous to end a marriage because of this. He is a fantastic dad to our son and he supports me in everything I want to do. He’s very honest and reliable.

Just keep the lights off OP - decent men like him are in short supply

This.

BauhausOfEliott · 29/08/2025 14:46

Christ, this is horrible

Onthebusses · 29/08/2025 14:50

You would end the marriage because you don't want to be in it. No one has to know you think he fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Yes it will be horrible for him and feel very mean to do, but it's that or live the rest of your life unhappy.

I, personally, refuse to not be happy. I'd rather not live than live in misery.

JudesBiggestFan · 29/08/2025 14:52

The reality is, you will never find a better man than him. As a single mother, your options will be much reduced and you will have to find from the numbers happy to take on responsibility for another man’s child, someone who is actually good and kind enough to do it. In my entire experience I’ve never known a woman with children who has traded up post divorce. Speaking objectively. Mostly they have had to become step parents with all the pain and complexity that comes with. And then have had to deal with the father of their child for ever more afterwards, often in a toxic atmosphere. Just be grateful for what you have. In an abusive situation, yes, get the hell out, nothing is worse than that. Beyond that…no, until your kids are grown up, this is the best it gets.

Leilaandtheloggerheads · 29/08/2025 14:54

I feel for you. I’ve been there with my ex. He wasn’t unattractive at all, but I didn’t have that raw chemistry and passion with him, so years down the line I struggled to have sex with him.

That wasn’t fair on me or on him, so we split. We are still amicable though.

It depends how important sex is to you and your husband. If it’s important then you have some thinking to do 🥲

PigletSanders · 29/08/2025 14:56

Can posters stop being dicks? It’s horrible to realise you’re not remotely attracted to your H. I’d be very sad and would probably yearn for that butterfly feeling again. Anyone would.

Steph341 · 29/08/2025 15:05

PigletSanders · 29/08/2025 14:56

Can posters stop being dicks? It’s horrible to realise you’re not remotely attracted to your H. I’d be very sad and would probably yearn for that butterfly feeling again. Anyone would.

She married him and had a kid with him despite not being attracted to him, because she was desperate and he was convenient. No need to be devastated on her behalf.

It's funny OP that although you're apparently gorgeous and get loads of male attention you had to resort to marring someone you find so ugly that you can only have sex with them in the dark.

Just LTB, he deserves much better than you.

PiggingBastardPigs · 29/08/2025 15:06

Steph341 · 29/08/2025 15:05

She married him and had a kid with him despite not being attracted to him, because she was desperate and he was convenient. No need to be devastated on her behalf.

It's funny OP that although you're apparently gorgeous and get loads of male attention you had to resort to marring someone you find so ugly that you can only have sex with them in the dark.

Just LTB, he deserves much better than you.

Show quote history

I agree.

ohyesido · 29/08/2025 15:10

You won’t realise what you have until it’s gone. Try to appreciate him

SueSuddio · 29/08/2025 15:29

That's really tricky. My attraction with DH grew over time, I'm attracted to him as a person definitely and everything he is. It's a bit like those old romcoms where the girl picks the 'good guy' in the end rather than Mr Suave.

I think what keeps things alive for us is getting on each other's nerves! Bit of friction helps along the chemistry. Maybe things are too 'nice'?

LittlleMy · 29/08/2025 15:37

Somethingsnapped · 28/08/2025 23:13

Get him to grow a beard, and job's a good'un.

This made me choke on my cuppa 😅.

@Whitemochaonice Its a shame you never ‘fancied’ your husband to begin with and I imagine you thought you’d grow to love him as a person to the point you wouldn’t really ‘see’ the face in terms of attractiveness or not.

YANBU for having these thoughts and as far as I’m concerned it’s healthier to acknowledge them than head in the sand.

The only thing I’d say is I’m not sure you can get any better the older you become. I appreciate that you’re still able to attract male attention in your old-er years but that doesn’t always translate to a conventionally handsome man actually making you his wife - after all, you struggled to obtain one when you were younger and I imagine more attractive.

Also, as I found out with my recent ex who was an absolute hottie and we were together 2 years, he was red flags galore after a year of dating and with a heavy heart I realised why it was that such a handsome man in his 50s was still available. So not all the time, but a lot of the time, the really handsome guys will likely have some unattractive traits making them unobtainable anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I got so burnt last time, that I will feel v lucky if my path should cross with a guy who’s just relatable and kind - neither trait I realised my ex hottie had which is why I eventually dumped him.

Letsgoroundagainnow · 29/08/2025 15:58

MyGreyStork · 29/08/2025 13:56

You don’t seem to have any logic or common sense do you? Open marriages are disgusting…. Why? If two people are happy to have sex outside their marriage who are you to judge? This is where your lack of logic comes in… they would mostly likely be getting divorced in anyway if one person didn’t consent to it 😆 you’re coming across as bitter and very narrow minded.

Show quote history

But OP doesn’t have an issue with sex, it’s good with her DH.

So how is your suggestion going to help her?

whitewineandsun · 29/08/2025 16:03

Steph341 · 29/08/2025 15:05

She married him and had a kid with him despite not being attracted to him, because she was desperate and he was convenient. No need to be devastated on her behalf.

It's funny OP that although you're apparently gorgeous and get loads of male attention you had to resort to marring someone you find so ugly that you can only have sex with them in the dark.

Just LTB, he deserves much better than you.

Show quote history

Yeah, why did she marry and have a kid with him if he's so ugly she can't bear to look at him? Sounds like she must be have had other options. Doesn't make sense, does it? Except she settled and is now moaning about him online.

I hope he finds this.

Pyjamatimenow · 29/08/2025 16:05

Hallywally · 28/08/2025 22:53

So you want someone who’s devilishly handsome, has a massive cock, a very fit body, active, great in bed, extremely supportive, honest, reliable, a brilliant dad (stepdad?), kind, caring and generous? And you’ll be what- a single divorced mum?! Haha! Good luck with that one! 😂😂

Yea I mean if you were struggling to attract someone like that before you’ve got next to no chance now

Hiptothisjive · 29/08/2025 16:07

Ponderingwindow · 28/08/2025 23:01

You could marry the most perfectly sculpted man on the planet and he could be disfigured in a horrific accident the next day.

Not to mention how looks will fade as we get older.

luckylavender · 29/08/2025 16:07

Whitemochaonice · 28/08/2025 22:34

I don’t know if I ever did.
He came along when I was lonely, feeling desperate that I would never get married, have children like my friends.
We were friends first and he was kind, caring and generous. He’s always had a good body and is a very fit and active person. He’s also very well ‘equipped’ if you get my meaning! 😂
But facially (I feel awful saying it) I just think he’s unattractive.
We had sexual chemistry when we first met and rushed into a relationship.
Our sex is still very good, but I have to keep the lights off - which I feel terrible about saying.

My Exes were good looking, two in particular were very easy on the eye and I’d fund myself staring regularly, getting butterflies etc.

I've been told I’m attractive, I had/still have lots of male attention. But for some reason I’ve always had really low self esteem and low self confidence. When I was with my exceptionally attractive ex partners, I never felt good enough and always thought they’d wake up one day and wonder what they were doing with me.
Which is sort of what happened with one but the other was an entirely different story.

I just don’t know what to do. I would feel so ridiculous to end a marriage because of this. He is a fantastic dad to our son and he supports me in everything I want to do. He’s very honest and reliable.

I can only judge on what you’ve written. You sound callous.

Forgotthebins · 29/08/2025 16:09

Try some therapy to find out why you run away from secure and happy love.

PiggingBastardPigs · 29/08/2025 16:09

I think you need to leave him so he can find someone who will respect him for all his lovely qualities. You can go OLD and see how happy it makes you,

Sunnyscribe · 29/08/2025 16:21

I agree the grass is always greener, except it isn't of course.

Have you been putting time into fostering a connection? Sometimes attraction can dip if you aren't making enough time for each other. I always think it's easy to be attracted to someone who you have fun or adventure with so you could do something fun or adventurous.

I also think sometimes there's a tendency to see our partner as someone who fulfills ALL our needs and really this shouldn't be true. Sometimes when you feel dissatisfied with a partner it's worth looking at all the areas of your life, whether you are happy and content or whether you age lacking something unrelated to your partner.

SueSuddio · 29/08/2025 16:58

MindytheWonderHorse · 29/08/2025 13:59

It’s normal for physical attraction to wax and wane over the course of a marriage. I would try not to focus on it and avoid words like “settled” which come from consumerist dating culture. Focus on the good stuff and see how you go. If it’s an insurmountable problem for your marriage, you’ll know soon enough.

I agree with not liking the term 'settled', I don't think it's been a helpful thing in general as an unrealistic lens to view marriage through.

OP I think some posters are being a bit unkind. I hope there's some good advice on here for you.

JimmyGiraffe · 29/08/2025 17:08

The reality is, you will never find a better man than him. As a single mother, your options will be much reduced and you will have to find from the numbers happy to take on responsibility for another man’s child, someone who is actually good and kind enough to do it.

In my entire experience I’ve never known a woman with children who has traded up post divorce. Speaking objectively. Mostly they have had to become step parents with all the pain and complexity that comes with.

Sadly this is true