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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse a boob job after DH said mine are “wrecked” post DC4?

520 replies

Hoistraft · 28/08/2025 18:21

bit of background first. ive just had DC4 about 6 weeks ago. total shock, was on the pill and it failed. tbh DH wasnt exactly over the moon about it, hes been a bit grumpy about the whole thing and weve been snapping at each other more than usual. im knackered, breastfeeding round the clock, house looks like a bomb site and i dont even know what day it is half the time.

so yesterday i was getting changed and he just comes out with “you should think about getting your boobs done, they’re a bit wrecked now after 4 kids”. i laughed it off at first but then he said he was serious and that “it would be good for both of us” if i sorted them. he keeps saying he’s only being honest and that it’s not a big deal these days.

i feel really rubbish now. yes theyre not what they were at 20 but i grew and fed 4 children with them and atm i actually think my body deserves a medal not a surgeon. im exhausted, hormonal and the last thing on my mind is cosmetic surgery. but part of me is wondering if im letting myself go and maybe hes right?

AIBU to flat out refuse or is it selfish to just expect him to accept me as i am now?

OP posts:
T1Dmama · 30/08/2025 10:39

Hoistraft · 29/08/2025 09:22

morning all, just wanted to pop back with a little update after all your replies yesterday (thank you again, honestly they gave me the courage to actually speak up instead of just sulking and crying about it).

i brought it up with him last night when the kids were in bed. i said straight out that what he said about my boobs was nasty and hurtful, and that i won’t ever be getting surgery to please him. i also told him if he wants to talk about surgery “for both of us” then the only thing on the table is a vasectomy.

he did that half laugh thing at first, then got defensive and said i was “overreacting” and he was “just being honest”. i didn’t back down though, i told him i’m sick of being chipped away at and i need him to stop making digs. he went quiet for a while after that and mumbled something about “not meaning to upset me” but there was no proper apology.

this morning he’s acting a bit sheepish, making extra cups of tea etc. i don’t know if that’s guilt or just trying to smooth things over without talking about it again.

so yeah, not some huge breakthrough, but at least i finally said it out loud. i’m glad i raised the vasectomy too because he actually looked rattled for once. funny how surgery isn’t such a casual suggestion when it’s his own body 🙄

I hate men like your husband!!

my brother and SIL have 2 children, she is absolutely not allowed to get pregnant again due to medication she’s on, her and brother discussed contraception and they both agreed that rather than my SIL take hormones that increase risks of cancer etc he would get a vasectomy.. it’s a simple procedure these days and my brother said he took a day off work that’s all…
Why do men think we should carry the burden of contraception, pregnancy, breastfeeding etc!
next time he says ANYTHING about ‘we can’t keep doing this’ or references baby 4 being unplanned be sure to tell him… “Well… if you’d had the snip after baby 3 rather than always leaving everything to me…….!!!!”
and if anyone asks if you’ve stopped now say “who knows… this one was a surprise - and since Steve won’t get a vasectomy there might be more!!!….”
Next time he belittles your body say “well - do you think you still look like the man I married?!?… or “yes Steve… my body has changed due to growing 4 miracles … what’s your reason for your body changing?!”….
Also his reaction to you calling out his behaviour …. Google what GASLIGHTING is @Hoistraft

Apocketfilledwithposies · 30/08/2025 10:50

Good for you op for calling him out, and making it clear the only surgery up for discussion is a vasectomy.

I've never met him and I'm furious just thinking about him saying this to you.

These sly dogs chopping away at you is emotional abuse and whether it's calculated or not it's a dispacable thing to do to your wife who is post partum and nursing her fourth newborn.

He's a vile cretin and you deserve better.

T1Dmama · 30/08/2025 10:53

I bet you can relate to a few of these @Hoistraft

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse where a person or group causes someone to doubt their own sanity, memory, or perception of reality. The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband makes his wife doubt her sanity. Gaslighters use tactics like denying events, trivializing someone's feelings, and isolating them to gain power and control, leading the victim to become dependent and lose confidence in themselves.

How Gaslighting Works
Denying Reality:
The gaslighter will deny facts or events, insisting the victim is wrong or has a distorted memory.

HTrivializing Feelings:
They dismiss the victim's emotions, calling them irrational or overly sensitive.
(Him accusing you of ‘overreacting)

Shifting Blame:
The abuser will project their own actions onto the victim, making the victim feel responsible for the situation.
(Him blaming you for contraception failing)

Isolation:
They may try to isolate the victim from friends and family, making them more reliant on the gaslighter's distorted version of reality.

Erosion of Self-Worth:
Over time, this constant questioning and manipulation chips away at the victim's self-esteem, making them doubt their own judgment and worth. (He’s done this by belittling your body !)

Examples of Gaslighting
An abuser insists their partner said or did something they didn't, despite the victim's clear memory of the event.

A manager dismisses an employee's valid concerns by saying they are "too sensitive".

A partner repeatedly denies making promises, making the other person feel like they can't trust their own recall of the conversation.

Why Gaslighting is Harmful
It creates bewilderment and confusion for the victim.

It undermines a person's self-confidence and ability to trust their own perceptions.

It leads to increased dependence on the abuser, who becomes the source of the victim's "reality".

It is a tactic used to maintain control and power in an abusive relationship.

Rhaenys · 30/08/2025 10:53

wtf. Is it sagging he’s talking about? Because a boob job won’t help with that. You need a lift for that which is more invasive and comes with more risks. It’s probably more expensive too. What an idiot.

T1Dmama · 30/08/2025 11:00

It infuriates me!!
mWe as a species have forgotten that the male of each species is supposed to impress us!!… every other animal sees the males having to be the biggest, strongest, most beautiful, doing the best display, building the best nest etc…. When did men manipulate this so much so that all the pressure was put on us and suddenly we feel the need to settle for men not worthy of us!!

Mittleme · 30/08/2025 11:14

Exactly why would you put yourself through surgery because of someone else
I think speak to people that have had it and you will hear horror stories
plus it's not just about getting it done once
u have to keep going under the knife
please don't even contemplate
cherish your body as it is and am not sure how I can have something artificial like that in my body for no absolute reason !

Lunaticmess · 30/08/2025 12:26

Tell him you want a new husband. It's not a big deal these days and he's obviously a monumental twat. So sorry OP. You've made and fed four people with your body. You deserve a gold medal as big as a dustbin lid.

Diddlyumptious · 30/08/2025 12:59

You carried and gave birth to 4 humans, you are extremely lucky, blessed andan amazing woman. You're strong and beautiful as you are. Congratulations on the birth of your 4th 🥳 you've got this!! 🙂

GreatFish · 30/08/2025 14:44

Tell the prat only if he gets a penis extension,your only being honest.What an arsehole.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 30/08/2025 16:17

I got a boob job after dc but I wanted it and I broached the subject.Big difference! Your dh is out of order.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 30/08/2025 16:18

T1Dmama · 30/08/2025 10:07

Xand on a side note… I know someone who had breast implants… she has scars under her boobs which were ugly and sensitive, she had to sleep in a super supportive bra otherwise she’d wake up with wonky boobs or one would drift under her arm pit….. not sure if this is always the case or whether she just had a crap surgeon but she said there was nothing attractive or comfortable about her implants and her partners couldn’t even touch the!

Def crap surgeon

IamMoodyBlue · 30/08/2025 18:28

My first thoughts were; what an arroganr, selfish, thoughtless prick! Then I thought lots more similar words.
Next I considered who would actually be going through the risk ( and there is a risk), and pain of surgery, who would be enduring the recovery period.
Hmm.

But, if you deep down, honestly, really, really want to, then it's your decision and yours alone. No pressure, no persuasion, no emotional blackmail should affect your decision.
And matbet just take his willingness ( or lack of) to undergo a vasectomy into consideration.
But probably not!

lotsofpatience · 30/08/2025 18:32

Who would pay for it? He did not specify this eh? Cheeky fucker.

Catsandcannedbeans · 30/08/2025 18:39

To be honest I’d have him pay for it then leave. Up two new boobs, down one loser boob of a husband.

Bowies · 30/08/2025 18:58

Yeah he should’ve been bringing up a vasectomy not cosmetic surgery.

Your body is amazing and you he should be in awe of what it can do, including feeding the newborn!

Seems he’s been selfish and blaming yet he’s equally responsible for contraception.

A few cups of tea isn’t enough. he needs to make some serious amends for how he’s been behaving!

TheLastOfTheMohicans · 30/08/2025 19:22

Bloke here, your response should be "you should get a penis enlargement, it would be good for both of us"

Cartonhazy · 30/08/2025 19:26

Next time he brings it up, suggest if he has a penis enlargement/sex lessons/gastric band fitted, you will consider the boob job. After all, it'll benefit both of you...?

What an utter prick. I'm so sorry OP, you deserve better.

Missj25 · 30/08/2025 19:57

Hoistraft · 28/08/2025 18:21

bit of background first. ive just had DC4 about 6 weeks ago. total shock, was on the pill and it failed. tbh DH wasnt exactly over the moon about it, hes been a bit grumpy about the whole thing and weve been snapping at each other more than usual. im knackered, breastfeeding round the clock, house looks like a bomb site and i dont even know what day it is half the time.

so yesterday i was getting changed and he just comes out with “you should think about getting your boobs done, they’re a bit wrecked now after 4 kids”. i laughed it off at first but then he said he was serious and that “it would be good for both of us” if i sorted them. he keeps saying he’s only being honest and that it’s not a big deal these days.

i feel really rubbish now. yes theyre not what they were at 20 but i grew and fed 4 children with them and atm i actually think my body deserves a medal not a surgeon. im exhausted, hormonal and the last thing on my mind is cosmetic surgery. but part of me is wondering if im letting myself go and maybe hes right?

AIBU to flat out refuse or is it selfish to just expect him to accept me as i am now?

Ah OP , no matter what which way you look at it ..
What an absolute dick head thing to say .
The fact you just had a baby makes it worse..
How did he not say to himself , ‘ I can’t say that , it’s a shit thing to say & I don’t want to hurt my wife’s feelings ‘ 😔….
There is no excuse for that .. It would really upset me …

HappyHL · 30/08/2025 20:03

Pump all the night feeds and see how he takes getting up relentlessly through the night to feed the baby, along with (most likely) sorting out all the other toddlers/chn when they wake.

Really hope he will start to see sense when you stand up to him, and that he is forever grovelling from here on in.

You deserve a medal for a) 4 children, b) breastfeeding them all, and c) living with someone who is also pretty much a child and clearly antagonises you. Keep going — you’re obviously stronger than you might think and your children will grow up to see what a fabulous mum you are and what a great example you’ve set (with real boobs, please!).

broney · 30/08/2025 20:47

What a horrible remark! I agree with all that's been said.
And by the way, I think fake boobs look awful.

LillyPJ · 30/08/2025 20:50

Catsandcannedbeans · 30/08/2025 18:39

To be honest I’d have him pay for it then leave. Up two new boobs, down one loser boob of a husband.

Better still, get the money off him for it, don't get the boobs done, then leave. Up some money and some self respect, down one horrible husband.

Mittleme · 30/08/2025 20:51

except for the few that absolutely need it due to some health conditions ,
i honestly don't know how people feel comfortable with a boob implant plus including the partner/ husband .
i also think it requires ongoing maintenance and visits to surgeon
not worth my time !

123ps · 30/08/2025 21:10

Do dicks change alot then ? Balls get saggy but how do the dicks change? 🤔😁. Just curious lol

123ps · 30/08/2025 21:14

Botox in his balls 🏈 🤣😂. If only that was a thing. Love it 😂

Sisublondie · 30/08/2025 21:19

123ps · 30/08/2025 21:14

Botox in his balls 🏈 🤣😂. If only that was a thing. Love it 😂

Do we know it’s not?! 🤷‍♀️😈😻😹?!