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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse a boob job after DH said mine are “wrecked” post DC4?

520 replies

Hoistraft · 28/08/2025 18:21

bit of background first. ive just had DC4 about 6 weeks ago. total shock, was on the pill and it failed. tbh DH wasnt exactly over the moon about it, hes been a bit grumpy about the whole thing and weve been snapping at each other more than usual. im knackered, breastfeeding round the clock, house looks like a bomb site and i dont even know what day it is half the time.

so yesterday i was getting changed and he just comes out with “you should think about getting your boobs done, they’re a bit wrecked now after 4 kids”. i laughed it off at first but then he said he was serious and that “it would be good for both of us” if i sorted them. he keeps saying he’s only being honest and that it’s not a big deal these days.

i feel really rubbish now. yes theyre not what they were at 20 but i grew and fed 4 children with them and atm i actually think my body deserves a medal not a surgeon. im exhausted, hormonal and the last thing on my mind is cosmetic surgery. but part of me is wondering if im letting myself go and maybe hes right?

AIBU to flat out refuse or is it selfish to just expect him to accept me as i am now?

OP posts:
FOJN · 29/08/2025 21:19

pineapplesundae · 29/08/2025 19:14

I’m a woman and I see things from your husband’s perspective. I have a few friends who have had tummy tucks and breast lifts and it just made them feel better about themselves. Just because it was your husband who brought it up doesn’t mean it isn’t something you shouldn’t consider.

Why the hell should any woman consider surgery just because a man suggests it? If your friends chose to have surgery and are happy with the results that's great but OP does not want surgery. Do you generally think men know what's best for women?

Doubledenim305 · 29/08/2025 21:20

Soooooooooooooooo glad u found ur voice and put ur foot down. Cheeky so and so he is. He needed to be taken to task on that.

His making a cup of tea and being sheepish shows he has taken on board what u said👍

Flossy1985 · 29/08/2025 21:37

Op I’m so glad you spoke out. I’ve just turned 40 (less than a week ago) and since having my only child I’ve felt so low in myself. Body shape, boobs and ass. It’s made me so conscious to the point I can’t dress like me or go swimming with my baby. My partner thought I’d gone off him and was really hurtful but it’s literally just me in my head.
since I told him my feelings he has now realised I need more support and it’s not just this I’ve been through the mill with him. Do not let it ruin your life we all have a voice and until heard we are constantly trying to appease or smooth egos. Be your own voice.

Bunny65 · 29/08/2025 21:55

You can resuscitate your breasts without resorting to surgery. Once you’re past the breastfeeding stage, if you are doing that, start doing very simple exercises and/or go swimming if you can do that and enjoy it, whatever you can manage, it doesn’t have to be a big commitment, 10 mins of yoga/pilates on YouTube for upper body is enough, you just need to be consistent, 5 mins even. Eat well and just be active with your kids. Breasts regenerate - mine did. They were shrivelled up to practically nothing after feeding two kids. And use a bit of body lotion/oil after a wash. It doesn’t have to be fancy stuff.

JJMama · 29/08/2025 22:44

Don’t have sex with him again. Problem solved all round…!

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 29/08/2025 22:46

Another vote for ‘he’s a complete fucking dick’.

Coinsfortheeyes · 29/08/2025 22:50

The man is a complete c*t.

Diblin93 · 29/08/2025 23:45

your body has grown, nurtured and fed 4 of his children and he comes out with a comment like that?!?!?!! I am aghast. That fucker needs to go down on his knees and worship you instead, he finds fault. I’d say LTB but you have 4 children, one a newborn. Don’t let him erode your confidence-you’re a warrior. You have my respect .

Pinepeak2434 · 30/08/2025 00:47

He’d never come near me sexually again and he would never seen me naked again if that was my husband. He’d also get told a few home truths about his own looks the next time he was getting changed in front of me - see how he likes it.

CherryRipe1 · 30/08/2025 04:52

Tell him there's surgery to remove penile protrusions from foreheads now, it's no big deal.

2021x · 30/08/2025 06:17

I think as you clearly didn't have them on your radar... there is some mismatch of expectations. It is your body.... NEVER get surgery to please someone else.

Also if he didn't want another kid there is something he can actually do about i.e. vascetomy. Very over men being upset when they impregnate someone.

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/08/2025 07:17

glad you spoke to him but seems he isn’t that apologetic and didn’t agree to a vasectomy so this needs to be discussed or no sex again or may be no 5

Hopingtobeaparent · 30/08/2025 07:19

OverlyFragrant · 28/08/2025 18:24

Calmy now, is the man still breathing???

All jokes aside, of course yanbu.

Unfortunately no surgeon can do that personality transplant your partner so desperately needs.

This!!

Hopingtobeaparent · 30/08/2025 07:19

FenderStrat · 28/08/2025 18:24

He's fucking vile.
Insult his cock.

And this! 😂 Suggest a testicle tuck and see what how he responds!

WOW indeed!!

Deepbluesea1 · 30/08/2025 07:26

what an utter arsehole!

As a side note, I found mine got back into a decent shape after 6 years of more of less continuous breastfeeding but it took a whole year.

Surgery still may be useful - send him off to get the snip done. Now that would be good for both of you!

Hopingtobeaparent · 30/08/2025 07:27

Petrolitis · 28/08/2025 18:44

And the misogynistic cunt is now under the patio yes?

😂

Hopingtobeaparent · 30/08/2025 07:31

Hoistraft · 28/08/2025 19:14

wow i didn’t expect so many replies, thank you all so much for taking the time. ive read every single one and honestly it’s like a weight lifted seeing so many people say im not being unreasonable.

lots of you saying vasectomy and yes 100%. i’ve mentioned it before (after DC3 actually) and he just sort of laughed it off like “nah, not for me”. well maybe it bloody should be for him seeing as the pill clearly isn’t foolproof and i’m the one carrying the consequences. i’m tempted to actually bring it up tonight and say if he wants to talk about surgery “for both of us” then he can go first.

the comment definitely wasn’t a slip of the tongue. i think some of you are right that he’s angry/resentful about DC4 and taking it out on me in these little digs. it hurts more than i realised because i’ve been brushing them off for months but it’s not normal to feel this chipped away at all the time, is it?

i don’t want implants. i don’t even want to think about surgery. i just want him to respect me and maybe, i don’t know, say thank you for growing his kids instead of picking at my body.

i’ve got a lot to think about but honestly, reading these replies, i feel a bit stronger already.

Vasectomy not for him?! 😂 I mean funny, but also really not funny, as he’s clearly grumpy about the 4th child. Poor child…

You defo need to bring this back up to him!!

Indeed, if he’s thinking about surgery, he really needs to go first!!

Seriously though, you are six weeks in to having given birth to a new human, such an insensitive viewpoint he’s got.

I’m not normally wanted to start mentioning LTB, but I would certainly start thinking about some kind of exit fund for the future. His attitude is horrible. And I kind of think you deserve better.

Hopingtobeaparent · 30/08/2025 07:41

Hoistraft · 29/08/2025 09:22

morning all, just wanted to pop back with a little update after all your replies yesterday (thank you again, honestly they gave me the courage to actually speak up instead of just sulking and crying about it).

i brought it up with him last night when the kids were in bed. i said straight out that what he said about my boobs was nasty and hurtful, and that i won’t ever be getting surgery to please him. i also told him if he wants to talk about surgery “for both of us” then the only thing on the table is a vasectomy.

he did that half laugh thing at first, then got defensive and said i was “overreacting” and he was “just being honest”. i didn’t back down though, i told him i’m sick of being chipped away at and i need him to stop making digs. he went quiet for a while after that and mumbled something about “not meaning to upset me” but there was no proper apology.

this morning he’s acting a bit sheepish, making extra cups of tea etc. i don’t know if that’s guilt or just trying to smooth things over without talking about it again.

so yeah, not some huge breakthrough, but at least i finally said it out loud. i’m glad i raised the vasectomy too because he actually looked rattled for once. funny how surgery isn’t such a casual suggestion when it’s his own body 🙄

@Hoistraft Bloody well done! 👏🏻 I think you are underestimating the breakthrough, I think the breakthrough was on your side, sadly not on his. Funny isn’t it? How a minor surgery on his manhood is so upsetting for him, but a boob job on you is completely okay for him to suggest. You are not overreacting, I’m really glad you realise that.

I really hope this is a sign of the new you to come, and that you’re not gonna tolerate his bullshit and his crap, and you do push back against it, and don’t let it chip, chip away at you because that is not okay!!

You want him on your team, not tearing it apart with criticism all the time.

I hope you felt empowered?! Also proud of you!

Focus on your little humans.

Well done!

FenderStrat · 30/08/2025 08:08

Tell him his hotdog needs plumping.

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 30/08/2025 08:12

FenderStrat · 28/08/2025 18:24

He's fucking vile.
Insult his cock.

Absolutely this!

Snakebite61 · 30/08/2025 09:48

Hoistraft · 28/08/2025 18:21

bit of background first. ive just had DC4 about 6 weeks ago. total shock, was on the pill and it failed. tbh DH wasnt exactly over the moon about it, hes been a bit grumpy about the whole thing and weve been snapping at each other more than usual. im knackered, breastfeeding round the clock, house looks like a bomb site and i dont even know what day it is half the time.

so yesterday i was getting changed and he just comes out with “you should think about getting your boobs done, they’re a bit wrecked now after 4 kids”. i laughed it off at first but then he said he was serious and that “it would be good for both of us” if i sorted them. he keeps saying he’s only being honest and that it’s not a big deal these days.

i feel really rubbish now. yes theyre not what they were at 20 but i grew and fed 4 children with them and atm i actually think my body deserves a medal not a surgeon. im exhausted, hormonal and the last thing on my mind is cosmetic surgery. but part of me is wondering if im letting myself go and maybe hes right?

AIBU to flat out refuse or is it selfish to just expect him to accept me as i am now?

What a prick.

Curryingfavour · 30/08/2025 09:59

I don’t know whether to be upset for you or absolutely raging 😡 on your behalf .
He is an absolute disgrace

Francestein · 30/08/2025 09:59

He really isn’t showing genuine remorse or accountability. Sucking up with cups of tea is the very least he could do. Why do we allow them to get away with the very least? I would see how long it lasts, but stop allowing it. If he pulls this shit in front of family and friends, call attention to it. Tell him that he is being abusive and ask how he would like it if you insulted his body parts… (while looking pointedly at his crotch.) Show him that it’s unacceptable.

T1Dmama · 30/08/2025 10:03

Apocketfilledwithposies · 28/08/2025 18:25

Good for both of us.

Fucking hell. 😡😡😡

Just when I think I can't see a shittier husband or partner comment on a mn post another comes along.

Exactly this!

christ! Boobs aren’t there for the enjoyment of men! They’re there to feed babies!!

Men have sexualised every bloody inch of us!

Do you have daughters? Wonder how he’d feel about men objectifying them when they’re older! Tell him his
dick as shrank since you met him and you think he needs an extension! Tell him it would be better for you both!!!

T1Dmama · 30/08/2025 10:07

Xand on a side note… I know someone who had breast implants… she has scars under her boobs which were ugly and sensitive, she had to sleep in a super supportive bra otherwise she’d wake up with wonky boobs or one would drift under her arm pit….. not sure if this is always the case or whether she just had a crap surgeon but she said there was nothing attractive or comfortable about her implants and her partners couldn’t even touch the!