To refuse a boob job after DH said mine are “wrecked” post DC4?

[Hoistraft]

bit of background first. ive just had DC4 about 6 weeks ago. total shock, was on the pill and it failed. tbh DH wasnt exactly over the moon about it, hes been a bit grumpy about the whole thing and weve been snapping at each other more than usual. im knackered, breastfeeding round the clock, house looks like a bomb site and i dont even know what day it is half the time.

so yesterday i was getting changed and he just comes out with “you should think about getting your boobs done, they’re a bit wrecked now after 4 kids”. i laughed it off at first but then he said he was serious and that “it would be good for both of us” if i sorted them. he keeps saying he’s only being honest and that it’s not a big deal these days.

i feel really rubbish now. yes theyre not what they were at 20 but i grew and fed 4 children with them and atm i actually think my body deserves a medal not a surgeon. im exhausted, hormonal and the last thing on my mind is cosmetic surgery. but part of me is wondering if im letting myself go and maybe hes right?

AIBU to flat out refuse or is it selfish to just expect him to accept me as i am now?

funny how surgery isn’t such a casual suggestion when it’s his own body

Exactly, and it ties up beautifully because he's blaming 'kids' on what he said about your boobs, and logic says you take the bullets out of the gun, not patch the bullet wound up afterwards

I'm 'just being honest' <shrug>

He said he was "just being honest" 🤢

Get rid as soon as is physically possible with the children in tow. It doesn't matter if it takes months. Start getting that plan together now. Please. Leave him. He is vile. Please do not waste another second of your precious life with him. Go and find happiness. It isn't with him. I promise.

Well done, OP. How did you resist saying if he is so keen in surgery, why not get hair plugs in Turkey or liposuction on his belly?

I think I'd have been a bit harsher actually and said outright "if we are going to be so 'honest ' about attractiveness, maybe you should look in the mirror. Your 6 pack is long gone and has been replaced with a 12 pack of doritos, your hair isn't far behind it and frankly, you can't afford to lose the advantage of a good personality, so before you start digging at me for the results of feeding YOUR children, I suggest you take a good hard look at yourself."

Cunt.

Another agree here!
I brought up the subject of a vasectomy after the birth of baby number 2 as I had had 2 difficult labours and had had to have surgery after both births to repair the damage 🤦‍♀️
DH said he would think about it and then at that time ultimately chickened out. I fell pregnant 5 years later with a surprise baby which arrived by c-section. When I mentioned it again after the birth, without a hesitation he booked himself in, didn’t moan and wasn’t a baby about it after because he would have got limited sympathy 😂

Way to go OP! 👏
If he brings it up again tell him to get a boob job himself!

Well done 👍

So he wouldn't have a vasectomy after you carried and gave birth to 3 of his children, got upset that his sperm got you pregnant, and now is mocking your breasts?

He really is scum in the gutter! Get rid of him. He'd be out of the house or I'd leave him if that were me.

PS. I'd say to him I'll get a boob job if he gets a dick enlargement, and that he needs that more than you need a boob job and 'hey I'm just being honest!!.

Well done OP.
He's not a good man.
He's a spitefull, nasty man child.
Not the type to trust or depend on.

Keep family and friends close.
He's an ugly man.
You protect yourself.
He so doesn't deserve you.

he just sort of laughed it off like “nah, not for me”.

Ohhh he's a maggot! He really is! So everything is up to you, contraception, risk, the works, and he gets what, 8 seconds of pleasure and no stress.

The more you say, the more a selfish, vile pig he is. Please gather your self respect and leave him before he completely destroys your self esteem.

So he really hasn't changed has he. Sorry but he's garbage. I'd also tell him your sex life as a couple is over until he has a vasectomy. See what he says then. Not that I'd want to sleep with that thing ever again, my fanny would be drier than a nuns. I still say LTB, he will continue to put your health and life at risk and expect you to take the risk while he takes none. And clearing history and (100%) watching porn? Marriage ender of itself to me, even before anything else. I will not have that in my home. Really, get out now.

He won’t change. He will play the part of husband and father when it suits him. He is probably the sort that will pay women to get his ‘needs’ met. He clearly has no respect for women and that ain’t gonna change.

OP do yourself a favour and get rid. He is nothing special and you can do better than to spend the rest of your life with this misogynistic lowlife.

Normally I would full endorse LBT (and that still applies 90% here), but 4 kids - phew, that would not be easy on you at this stage in life. I do strongly, STRONGLY, recommended individual counselling for him and couples counselling for both of you, so he can really dig deeper into his abhorrent mindset and have at least a chance of making some lasting change.

Your body has done amazing things, and the fact that he’s still breathing at all is a miracle. Jesus wept. The man is an unmitigated prick.

I’d have been tempted to embrace the “honesty” and tell him that, for the price of breast surgery, he could afford a gym membership and maybe even a hair transplant to deal with his ever-increasing forehead. If he considers natural changes unattractive, and this is so important to him, he’d be so grateful you brought these issues to his attention (and remember: nothing you say can be hurtful if you’re “just being honest”…)

You sound lovely OP. He sounds like an absolute pig. You deserve so much better.

Well done OP. I’ve not read the entire thread but most and youve had some great replies. Not much more to offer really other than more solidarity. It’s not just women that are responsible for contraception and I think now it’s his turn. How dare he criticise your body!!! Regardless of the 4 of HIS kids you’ve grown and fed!!

other posters are correct. Use the boob money for a cleaner and a nice treat for you!

I do hope the chat has made him think. The sheepish behaviour suggest it might be sinking in. But don’t let it go. Remind him that the pill is ineffective and now he needs to take a turn!

Keep your boobs. Dump your DH
HTH

Well, that's good, but it doesn't fix anything. No man says your boobs look wrecked unless that's what they are thinking. I'm sorry, but it's true. I don't see how you could possibly ever want him to touch you again knowing that he was cruel and deliberately spiteful enough to want to hurt you like that and knowing he thinks your boobs are "wrecked". I'd have to end it.

Oh OP, I just want to give you a hug. You are doing amazing-Managing to care for 3 young children and a new baby-congratulations!- whilst coping with crass comments from your useless selfish arse of a husband. I hope you have other friends and family round you giving you the love , support and respect you deserve and his appalling behaviour hasn't completely spoiled what should be such a special time for you.

What would be really good for you would be for him to walk out the door of his own free will rather you having to boot him out of it. I’m not even going to ask if he has any redeeming qualities because I doubt there are many of them compared to the knob head qualities. Tell him if he wants to sort a pair of boobs out he can sort his own out.

Just being honest, eh? I’d have gone in very honestly about his body, his attitude and his phone usage. And he hadn’t meant to upset you? What on earth did he think you’d feel after his remark?
Extra cups of tea, sheepish behaviour, and a lack of proper apology aren’t good enough. He needs to grovel but hasn’t worked it out.
The weekend’s here. ASAP send Honest Husband away with your eldest three and tell him not to return until late Sunday night. He might learn to appreciate you and show you the respect you deserve.

Well done @Hoistraft

Like others, I’d still be concerned (though not surprised - he’s already shown you he’s a fundamentally horrible man) by his response.

He was ‘just being honest’ = he does view your breasts as ‘wrecked’ as opposed to having very naturally and perfectly acceptably changed after you’ve created and kept his four children alive for him. He’s confirmed to you who he is here and what matters to him - the pornification of the female body no matter the cost to the individual, especially if that individual is his own wife.

He hasn’t apologised - he either doesn’t really get it (I suspect that his views of women are so misogynistic and ‘wrecked’ that he can’t actually understand your perspective) or he’s going through a period of reflection that will lead him to a totally opposite viewpoint. If it’s the latter and he gives you a genuine and unprompted apology in due course, showing he’s truly reflected on his appalling comment and, more importantly, the views underpinning this, there might be a chance that he will change. Otherwise, he will just carry on being who he is and maybe just hide it a bit better.

You need to throw your toys out the pram if this happens again. Like, you need to lose your shit, throw him out, threaten divorce. Then tell him you’re « just being honest » about how you feel.

Seriously you’re being way way too nice. Get mean. How dare he speak to you like that.

Cause a fucking earthquake next time.

With four kids to look after I would not rush into a divorce.

But definitely don't have sex with him again until after he has had a vasectomy. You have to stay strong on this and really mean it.
(TBH I wouldn't want sex with the vile pig ever again, but the vasectomy is a good excuse to say no for now).

Bide your time.
Divorce him in about 6-10 years.

Vasectomy yes but only so that he can focus on his share of looking after your kids in the future when you split up. I'd be very very slowly sorting myself out for the eventual split when your baby is a bit older. I couldn't shag a man again after a comment like that.
.
Also, boob jobs don't give you your 20 year old boobs back. They give you fake boobs which are very different. I do understand the pressure some women feel and why some women get them. But fwiw, my friends who have them both have partners who were 100% against them getting them (but also understood it was ultimately their choice). A man actually suggesting it is pretty yuck. Especially as it risks loss of sexual sensation. Imagine men accepting losing part of the feelings from their cock!