I can’t figure out who is right here.

[iamamickey]

I have a daughter age 23. She is in final year University. She has a car which she needs to help her when she is on placement. She has a part time job in hospitality but is only about 8 hours per week and she gets basic loan from uni funding.

The car has developed a fault. Probably something to do with breaks need changed. Husband is adamant we don’t pay for Any of it and thinks I shouldn’t even organise to have it looked at. He thinks I should at most tell her where to go and let her do the rest. He said this is Real world stuff and I need to stop
babysitting her.

I think she will get ripped off if she goes alone. I feel like I might need to hep
out with the price too.

can anyone let me know how it works out with their kids please. Let me get some perspective? AIBU for wantimg
to help?

This.

Just point her to Halfords. Or kwik fit. I actually think is she hasn't got the money and only works 8 hours a week I wouldn't help because its infantilising. Maybe lend it her on condition she gets a proper job and pays you back. Work and study is life in early 20s.

My dad would have been straight over to help me, no matter what my age. He certainly didn’t baby me, isn’t that what families do, support each other. I’d certainly be going with her. Your husband doesn’t appear to like your DD very much.

Jeez is this for real? Of course you should offer to help her sort it out. My mum was really helpful and hands on with this sort of thing when I was a young adult. I feel it only helped me become more independent and responsible as I learned from her. Your daughter is at university studying and also has a part time job. Sounds like she’s doing absolutely great for 23.

Interesting to all the different replies here. I think as with anything there is probably a middle ground.

Firstly before she bought the car - was there any consideration about what would happen should something like this happen and who would be responsible if it did happen- I know it doesn’t help the situation now but a plan should have been put in place as a car unexpectedly having a fault isn’t a rare occurrence. I did a 6 year course that included placements and didn’t get a car because I couldn’t afford it and precisely for this reason I had to use a combination of lifts from other people on the course, public transport and sometimes jd to stay on the hosptial accomodation site for weeks on end. However I did not live at home so paid a lot of money for accomodation so it’s probably swings and roundabouts. If the car was purchased for her (I assume by you both)knowing it was the only way for her to complete her degree and you didn’t tell her before that she needed to save some money aside in case shit happens then I would say that nobody here has thought about “real life stuff” and unfair to expect a 23 year old to sort it all now.

Does she get any maintenance loan? It’s been a while since I was at uni so may be outdated but if she gets a maintenance loan and is living at home rent free or very much reduced rent then she should be able to save some money to pay back some of the expenses. I think financially if you can help her the question is do you want to - no one can make that decision but you - if you do want to and you have your own finances then why the hell not - but I think from a learning experience it is better if it’s a contribution rather than paying for the whole thing - even if she pays something nominal towards it.

I agree with your DH in terms of giving her some ownership / independence and empowerment. As others have said - she should research garages/ get quotes etc but I don’t think unreasonable for someone to go with her - they may see her coming a mile away - I’m 36 and likely to be scammed now 🤣

As many others have said - I’m a grown woman and still ask my parents for advice now - I’m glad I have that relationship with them and would want my daughter to do so- I never expect any money from them and if anything I help them financially a lot now - however they supported me a lot throughout my long studies and I am appreciative of that.

I hope the SD thing is just a red herring. Even if he was a bio dad it can be difficult to live with adult children especially if you feel like they’re not pulling their weight. Sounds like you all need to communicate better in terms of what expectations are of your daughter and what is realistic given she is studying on placement and has a job. Your DH may need to accept that until she finishes her studies she may not be able to do it all! That’s a seperate conversation and shouldn’t be the deciding factor on whether or not your daughter has brakes in her car

good luck and let us know how it goes!

Your dh is being very mean. My dd has graduated now and I still help her a bit financially as she doesn’t earn much and is trying to get her career sorted.
Assuming she pays for petrol, this is an added expense.worjing brakes are important!

I knew it would be a step dad. OP my dad goes out of his way to help me in every part of life and I'm nearly 50. Your DH is a cunt.

Are you in a position to help? Financially I mean. If you are you could pay for it as a loan to her until her uni loan comes through?

Help her. Student finance, unless they're getting the max loan, assumed you're contributing the difference between what they get and the max loan. If he doesn't like it, he should take it up with the government. Student Finance England does not treat students like independent adults.

If you can afford it and she needs it to complete her studies then yes, you should help.

I help my dc when I can, they are past uni age but I want (and can) help them. Dh fixed dd’s car last week. He’s not her dad and did it gladly. We don’t want her driving around in an unsafe car!

I was thinking that too, but didn't want to brake the thread.

I think you have the message op. Its your daughter and always will be, only too soon she will be choosing which mobility scooter you get, so what you do for her now she will repay in the years to come. You'll get a shiny red one with pumped up tyres, DH will get the dodgy one that doesn't work right.

When I did my teacher training, we were told not to work when on placement. Someone I know on a nursing course at a different uni was told the same thing. As was a friend on a vet course. Unless placement hours are minimal, universities will either strongly advise students not to work at all, or outright ban it. I remember doing a tour of Oxford as a 17yo and they outright ban term time jobs because you're at university to study, not work (not sure what financial packages they offer students who can't pay their rent mind...).

You are right.

Omg what a horrible person he is.
i am 35 and my dad used to help me with everything he could, until he passed away before Christmas. Its a still real world if she gets help sorting the car, if you can afford it pay for it as well. She is 20 ffs, she will have plenty of years ahead worrying about money and how to pay for odd jobs which just came up. You are not spoiling her at her age now. I love that my parents are supporting and helping me (and believe me i am the most independent person since i moved out at the age 16, and then at 19 to a completely different country!), comparing to my PIL’s who never helped his son…shocking difference in relationship nowadays

When i was at uni they said to catch any job we can, cleaning, bartending, waitressing, start someone, start small, but have something to put in your cv so your next enployer can see dedication and hard work. I get if you study medicine it might be different but in general..best advice ever

My DD is 32 and my DH, also a stepdad, is currently helping her with sorting her car out. Your DH is being harsh.

I’d help an adult of any age if they needed it. There’s a first time for everything. At 40 there’s a lot of things I haven’t done before and may need a bit of help with. That help could be advice on a reputable garage, help with costs, etc etc. She may technically be an adult (and of course on Mumsnet she should be fully independent at 18 🙄) but she’s still young, and needs support.

And aren’t we all surprised he’s her stepdad. Not.

My son is nearly 20. Had a gap year and about to start 1 st year uni. Live at home.

He is a bit different because cars are a passion for him. I bought him a car to commute to uni. Recently it broke down and he organised and paid for the very expensive repair.

He can actually change all the brakes himself as taught himself what to do with a bit of help from husband. Volunteers at mechanics in holidays so knows them well. He also would find people online, orders parts online after research. He is very interested in car parts though so I guess when you are interested you make it your job to find out! He has made lots of mistakes on the way, sometimes expensive ones but has learnt a lot as a result.

He organises and pays own insurance. ( I sat him down at 17 and explained how that all worked).

He does have a fairly sizeable ISA that I invested for 18 years for him (previously child trust fund), to fall back on but he is trying to keep that untouched and use money from part time jobs and gap year savings ( he worked full time on 28k). Over summer, it’s expected he works and contributes to some household chores like unstacking dishwasher as an effective adult. He will mow lawn and cut hedges if asked and clear up his room ( still a pigsty) and clean his bathroom. He is naturally quite lazy as a teenager / younger years and it’s often been challenging to get him to do things but I’ve stuck at it and now I have a competent boy who has a lot of skills and can organise himself in the main.

Were you doing a course with long hours alongside university work though? I could have worked when I did my BA (apart from my placement year where I was working silly hours for free) because I had between 6 and 10 contact hours a week, plus independent study. I would have had time to work if I needed it. Thankfully I didn't - I went to uni in a cheap city, got reasonable student finance, my parents could contribute a little bit, and I got a grant from the uni because of my A Level grades (it wasn't Russell Group, but I could have gone to one), so I managed well without it. But I would have not been able to during my PGCE year, it was incredibly intense. I think if I was even just working 8 hours, I would have dropped out.

I would certainly look to help her find the garage and the best price. I think them it depends on the cost of the repair. Maybe look at going halves? I certainly would do what I could to help.

I’m going to go against the grain and side with your husband! At 23 she should be able to take her car to garage, or a couple of garages to get quotes if she feels she is being ripped off. Obviously, it sounds like if she truly needed some help she could come to you but to at least try!

my father was similar to your husband and I’m glad of it. In my later 40s now and I have some friends who literally can’t stand on their own two feet because their parents did everything and now we are at an age where parents can’t help any more and they are crumbling. Likewise having managed 20 somethings and watching them not be able to manage real world situations.

if you are old enough to drive your are old enough to call a garage… as a student and one doing placements she may need some financial assistance which I take on board as you are able to

My kids won’t ever stop being my kids so of course I’d help if they needed my help 🤦🏻‍♀️

Also if it’s something that was a risk to their health or safety - I would think knackered brakes on a car would fit that category, I’d make it a priority to help.

It's so hard being on a course with a placement. You work a 40 hour week and have coursework to complete about your placement and may even have to do your dissertation at the same time, it honestly feels like there's not enough hours when your on placement I was getting up at 4am to get a few hours of course work in before I went to placement. Anymore than minimal hours and the poor girl would burn out.

Of course he is her stepdad.
I can't imagine never wanting to help my child out (I am in my 40s and I would still call my dad if I had a car issue and I am perfectly functioning adult!).
She's your daughter, do what you feel is right.

Your 'D'H is a dick. My DF would help me in this situation, and I'm 40!