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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t figure out who is right here.

321 replies

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:03

I have a daughter age 23. She is in final year University. She has a car which she needs to help her when she is on placement. She has a part time job in hospitality but is only about 8 hours per week and she gets basic loan from uni funding.

The car has developed a fault. Probably something to do with breaks need changed. Husband is adamant we don’t pay for Any of it and thinks I shouldn’t even organise to have it looked at. He thinks I should at most tell her where to go and let her do the rest. He said this is Real world stuff and I need to stop
babysitting her.

I think she will get ripped off if she goes alone. I feel like I might need to hep
out with the price too.

can anyone let me know how it works out with their kids please. Let me get some perspective? AIBU for wantimg
to help?

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 28/08/2025 16:40

Well surprise, surprise. He's her stepdad.

Wonder if he'd take the same stance with his own children?

Sounds like it's quite essential for her so in your position @iamamickey I'd be helping her (financially and practically). You can put provisos on this - it's a loan to be paid back / she has to sort further repairs herself - whatever you - as her mother - are comfortable with.

I'm in my 40's and I know both my dad and my in-laws would help me even now if I needed their help. It's what parents do.

Twistedfirestarters · 28/08/2025 16:41

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:35

Husband is her step father. Their relationship is a bit strained at the moment. She’s moved back home as uni residential prices have gone through the roof here. So we helped her buy the car and paid for insurance. He feels she doesn’t do enough in the house but he doesn’t see what she does do. She’s not great at doing housework but will do it no problem if asked. She is great at helping me with her siblings. She’s a good support to me.

He feels she should be paying for the brakes and organising the fix for herself. She hasn’t a clue where to begin and I know until her loan comes in she’s broke.

Ok, well I definitely think she could organise getting it fixed, perhaps with some help from you. its actually never been easier for young people to do this kind of stuff with Google and social media sites to check for recommendations and costs of repair etc.

Once you have a quote for whatever is wrong you can think about how she's going to pay.

Piffle11 · 28/08/2025 16:41

Oh okay, you’re in a bit of a tricky situation here, aren’t you? Stuck in the middle. Regardless of whether or not she’s not ‘pulling her weight’, I think when it comes to things like this - an important safety concern - I would definitely want to make sure that my child was getting the correct advice/work done.It’s not to say that you and your DH will pay for everything, but it’ll be nice if somebody went with her to support her and steer her in the right direction.

I think financially, she needs to look for more hours: I was working over 10 hours a week in my part-time job after doing 9 to 4 Monday to Friday at college at 16 years old.

Bearbookagainandagain · 28/08/2025 16:42

She is an adult and can sort out her own car repairs, but I would absolutely ask advice from my parents (or other relatives) if they know more about the topic!

Advising her on a reliable garage and costs if she asks is fine.

Paying the bill is different, if it's her car and she has the means then she should pay for it. But if it puts her in difficulty financially and she still depends on you until she finishes her studies, you could help a bit if you want/can.

Westun · 28/08/2025 16:52

I think it should be a joint effort. She should absolutely be the one doing the running around to get it fixed, however she needs the financial support.

Filigreebetts798 · 28/08/2025 16:53

I agree you should definitely be helping her until she gets more experience with handling conversations at the garage. Let her do the research and set the appointment up etc but go with her for support.

We have daughters roughly the same age who are studying and working pt and we still help them out with car repairs. I appreciate we are lucky to be able to do this, but it wouldn’t occur to us not to!

Apart from anything else there may be a safety issue here if your dd works in hospitality and her job involves late nights.

I think your dh has forgotten what it is like to be young! Especially with current CoL.

Your dd should be doing more chores at home too! I have sympathy with your dh there bc as a couple you taste a bit of freedom while they are away at uni and it can be a bit limiting again when they move back in! Sounds as if he is a bit jealous if your dd spends lots of time with you, so you might have to spoil him a bit to get him back on side.

user2848502016 · 28/08/2025 17:01

I would help if she genuinely does need the car for placements, I wouldn’t want her stressing out and trying to work more hours to pay for it while she’s in her final year of uni.

I know DH would help our DDs with finding a trustworthy garage too, he wouldn’t want them getting ripped off.

Mrsttcno1 · 28/08/2025 17:08

Maybe depends on the family, both my sister & I were responsible for our own cars once we bought them, we both worked through uni to pay for them so it would never have occurred to either of us to expect a parent to sort or pay.

Cherrysoup · 28/08/2025 17:11

Does she pay a nominal rent? Based on how much she earns, can she afford to run a car or are you basically paying for it?

autienotnaughty · 28/08/2025 17:11

I would help but she be involved so next time she knows what to do.
your husband sounds mean.

CoralOP · 28/08/2025 17:16

I would expect to help an 18/19 year old but not a 23 year old.
If I ever needed financial help at that age it would be loaned to me with an expectation of it being paid back pretty quickly.

pizzaHeart · 28/08/2025 17:24

I bet he wouldn’t be like this if she was his child. It’s obvious that he is tight twat.
I think there is a big difference between sorting everything for your child and helping. I would go with her to the garage and let her talk but I would be there to intervene if necessary. And I would pay for the part and discuss with her how she would pay me back.

Noshadelamp · 28/08/2025 17:24

She's a student, obviously can't work full time and higher paying part time jobs are not usually available to students.

She needs her car for her studies so yes I would definitely help her out.

She's not a teenager but as a student she's not a fully fledged adult either so you still need to be supporting her.

I have three dcs and we support them all to varying levels financially and emotionally.

You don't need to do everything for her with the car but suggest you do it together so she has the benefit of your experience whilst also learning a life skill.

TheStroppyFeminist · 28/08/2025 17:26

I'd be even worse, I'd probably find the garage, take her there, pay for it and let her borrow my car while hers was being repaired. I am a sap but there you go!

Clarabell77 · 28/08/2025 17:30

Crunchymum · 28/08/2025 16:40

Well surprise, surprise. He's her stepdad.

Wonder if he'd take the same stance with his own children?

Sounds like it's quite essential for her so in your position @iamamickey I'd be helping her (financially and practically). You can put provisos on this - it's a loan to be paid back / she has to sort further repairs herself - whatever you - as her mother - are comfortable with.

I'm in my 40's and I know both my dad and my in-laws would help me even now if I needed their help. It's what parents do.

Edited

This.

And tell step dad to butt out.

BauhausOfEliott · 28/08/2025 17:30

I mean, there's a middle ground here. She's 23 and a grown adult woman, so she should be making arrangements herself - but fine for her to ask your advice if she's not sure if a quote is reasonable, or wants a recommendation for a good garage or whatever. And if she's a full-time student then yes, fine to help her out money-wise if you can.

I don't think you should be doing this stuff for her or insisting that you need to be involved, because at 23 it's not like she's new to the world of being an adult and she should be independent. But of course it's good to offer advice and support if she needs it. It's pretty normal to ask advice on something if you haven't done it before - I was asking my mum for advice on how to put in a pond last week, and I'm 49!

SpiralSpiritSocks · 28/08/2025 17:34

My stance would be that we would fund the repair but expect either of our kids to organise getting it looked at by a garage and getting a quote for a repair.

At 23 she should really be able to manage that.

thepariscrimefiles · 28/08/2025 17:34

MyGreyStork · 28/08/2025 16:38

Your husband is right. She’s 23, far from being a teenager. She should pay for it herself and she needs to work more than 8 hours a week.

If she is on a university course that has placements, it's like having a full-time job. She then also has a part-time job for 8 hours, I presume at the weekend. Her mum is right to want to help her keep her car on the road, otherwise she can't get to her placements.

Her step-father is mean and petty to try and prevent OP from helping her daughter.

JLou08 · 28/08/2025 17:34

The amount someone gets for student maintenance loans is based on parents income because there is an expectation parents will continue to financially support them. You should pay if you can afford it.

UnbeatenMum · 28/08/2025 17:35

I definitely think you should help financially while she's still a student. But if she's usually capable then 23 is certainly old enough to organise car repairs.

Izzywizzy85 · 28/08/2025 17:35

He’s a nob. She’s doesn’t stop being your daughter because she’s 23. She’s a student, of course you help her.

smallslyfox · 28/08/2025 17:39

Of course you help her. Helping young adults with new problems as they arise is how you help them launch into the world and feel supported/develop confidence. Your husband sounds a wanker.

Hatwontfit · 28/08/2025 17:42

I'd help her if I could. She isn't on a full time work salary she's a student.

outerspacepotato · 28/08/2025 17:44

Good brakes are essential to being safe on the road and if they need fixing, that should be done ASAP.

Her stepfather, may he rot, doesn't care about her safety on the road. She could have a wreck or even be killed.

I'd be getting her brakes fixed and paying for it. She's working and going to school. She probably doesn't even make enough to pay for a brake job.

When my kids are working and going to school, I pay for their car repairs. It's tough out there and I'd rather spend my money investing in their safety than buy some schlock.

Fuck him.

Noshadelamp · 28/08/2025 17:45

The basic loan from student finance only covers university term time and students who find it difficult to get more work during summer go into the new university year at a disadvantage unless their parents are covering the shortfall.

The student loan is based on parents finances so the assumption is that parents are still financially supporting the student.