I can’t figure out who is right here.

[iamamickey]

I have a daughter age 23. She is in final year University. She has a car which she needs to help her when she is on placement. She has a part time job in hospitality but is only about 8 hours per week and she gets basic loan from uni funding.

The car has developed a fault. Probably something to do with breaks need changed. Husband is adamant we don’t pay for Any of it and thinks I shouldn’t even organise to have it looked at. He thinks I should at most tell her where to go and let her do the rest. He said this is Real world stuff and I need to stop
babysitting her.

I think she will get ripped off if she goes alone. I feel like I might need to hep
out with the price too.

can anyone let me know how it works out with their kids please. Let me get some perspective? AIBU for wantimg
to help?

My DD car went wrong just before she went on holiday. I got it fixed and paid for it while she was away. She needs her car when she gets back. I didnt even ask her dad i just did it.

What is your arrangement with her re what you fund as the parent of a “dependent student”?
when my dc were in 6th form I paid car expenses as it’s for the school commute. One dc wanted to keep her car when she went to uni - she paid for that herself. My dc get min loan so I top up to max and then they buy what they want. If they need something and can’t pay until payday/loan day then I will loan them money but they need to pay me back. I know other parents just pay for stuff rather than give money (or some are on max loan and aren’t given anything) - some people literally buy clothes and food, some send money when asked, some transfers huge amounts based in their dc wanting to spend a lot of socialising or sports and they don’t want their kid to be restrained by budget. If she has already had all the money you should be giving her to too her up to max loan then I can see why she should be paying for the car herself, if not then you should help her out.
As an aside I think it must be really shit to live in a household where people say “you are an adult! You can do it yourself!” Rather than just help each other out. I took my mum to Kwikfit last week and she’s been an adult for 64 years. Maybe her stepdad thinks she should be doing a bit more helping out, but he sounds like a twat making brakes a hill to die on rather than thinking it’s something to facilitate getting fixed pronto.

I knew you were going to say he was her step dad. I know it’s not always the case but my step parent really resented any help we received from our parent as we got older (financial and otherwise) but interestingly wasn’t the same when it came to their biological child! Do want you think is right for your child. Don’t let him control this.

I really do get the importance of the real world thing and achieving independence. It's dead important. My DP is mid forties and learned loads of practical things from his dad growing up
He can turn his hand to anything..but he'll still phone his very practical dad and ask for advice on some household matters. His married father of 3 brother on the other hand couldn't buy a lightbulb the other day , didn't know where to buy one or what you get.

I find it very weird when adults are taken to the doctor's by their parents (unless something serious is suspected).

But there's a happy medium. The daughter needs to understand what's wrong and make her own appointment over the phone with a reputable garage. Then someone should go with her to get it fixed, on the first occasion at least.

It does sound like the SD's agenda is more government by spite than good intention..

Reading how resistant some people are to supporting adult children in any way at all makes a lot of sense of how isolated and burnt out people are. It's being handed down from insular parents.

She’s 23 she can take it to the garage herself. But if you want to help her fund it that’s fine, it’s not up to her SD.

We - me and DH would help out in this situation. We'd pay for the repair and DH or I would go along to the garage with her.

Sadly garages can try to rip young people (women) off. I suspect the stepdad would have a different attitude to his own dtr.

Well our DC are all fully functioning independent adults with degrees, mortgages and responsible jobs but they all turn to DH for advice whenever something is wrong with a car. Even if it's just to check a quote from a garage to make sure they aren't being overcharged.

It's what most Dad's do. Families support each other.

The thing is with parenting is there is no right or wrong way just many different ways to do it (and it hits the ground running with this from being a baby). For every parent who helps once their child is an adult there is one that doesn’t

No the issue is here is that YOU are the parent and he isn’t - and he isn’t making his decision from a parenting perspective he isn’t thinking about the fact that her doing it herself with be a teaching experience he is just being a jealous arse about it.

@Frugalgal they are both brothers how did that happen?

If she has a government loan for her degree, they will have looked at your income and decided how much she should get loaned based om your and Dh income. If she got the minimum or even not the maximum, university funding has dictated you'll be helping her out. Whether that's fair or not is a separate question, it's how our system works. The system expects parents to contribute and it reduces loans based on this. Your DH is wrong, her funding will have been limited based on what you both contribute. If you already give an allowance etc then she should probably use that but if not you should cover it. Ultimately, she's studying, she doesn't sound like she wastes her money or is spending it on rubbish - it's just kind to support her if possible. Otherwise she's driving a risky car, or not able to make her placement and she can't do her degree - which of these sounds good to your dh? I do think at 23 she can liaise with the garage though

Of course you should help her - if you can afford it.

I bet he’s a paragon of domestic perfection.

The more housework she does the better she will get at it! Also she shouldn’t have to be asked!!! She’s an adult and living with other people so should be making more of an effort to help out and tidy up/do her own washing etc if it’s there as that is what you do when you’re an adult and if you’re doing it for her you’re doing her no favours

Who needs enemies when you have a family like this. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t help her, if you can afford it. It’s got nothing to do with making them independent, that’s bollocks and an excuse, they are still your child and even as an adult might need a little help or support. If you can’t afford it, you can still help her and be supportive. Obviously different if she demanded you help or is nasty, but by the sounds of it she isn’t and she helps you a lot. I think you should definitely help if you can. I would be questioning her step father as to the real reasons he won’t help her.

There's a balance. If she's at uni she can't work full time so can't pay the bill herself. However she could and should arrange the repair herself (though you could go along/listen in on the call when they're telling her what needs doing and check you agree) and she should also contribute towards paying the bill, even if you take a small amount of money from her over eg 6 months to get some contribution.

The stepdad's being an obnoxious prick. Of course she can't afford a repair bill for her car brakes. She's in higher education and not really earning. Where the fuck is she supposed to get the money?

I'm 33 and my parents still help me with car stuff your dh sounds mean

Maybe just ask on Nextdoor or similar & find cheapest best local place. There are some who will have female engineers to make things more ‘comfortable’?

And he pulls his weight equally does he?

And I assume the other children are his...?

By providing a roof over their heads, food and clothing, I'd say yes, he's pulling his weight. That's a different issue with the car, though. I'm on the OP's side there.

Given the way garages can rip off people who they think are probably clueless, my dh would have gone with her if at all possible. Depending on the cost, at that stage of her life and finances, we’d probably help if it was a lot.

We've just given my 30 year old stepdaughter £500 to help towards a new boiler for her flat, where she doesn't even pay a mortgage. We'll obviously never see that again, but those are the things you do for your children.

Im 38 and still ask my parents advice sometimes on adult things. I dont understand why he wouldnt want to help her out. Seems a bit spiteful.

Is your husband always this stroppy and sulky when a younger person gets attention?

How do you know that the OP isn't doing that?

Bit of an assumption there?

In your shoes, I would 100% sort the car out with or without your husbands support ..…