Page 10 | I can’t figure out who is right here.

Ally886 · 29/08/2025 07:50

I think he should go with her and nothing more. You've clearly not equipped her with the adequate learnings that arranging an appointment is totally out the question. If she's short on the money, of course help her out too as working brakes are important.

I'll always help my children but only after they have exhausted their own ability and are basically at the end of their tether.

I was on my 4th car at 23, had a mortgage and I don't think my parents needed to offer advice after the age of 20 because by then they had equipped me to be a functioning adult

springtimemagic · 29/08/2025 07:53

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:03

I have a daughter age 23. She is in final year University. She has a car which she needs to help her when she is on placement. She has a part time job in hospitality but is only about 8 hours per week and she gets basic loan from uni funding.

The car has developed a fault. Probably something to do with breaks need changed. Husband is adamant we don’t pay for Any of it and thinks I shouldn’t even organise to have it looked at. He thinks I should at most tell her where to go and let her do the rest. He said this is Real world stuff and I need to stop
babysitting her.

I think she will get ripped off if she goes alone. I feel like I might need to hep
out with the price too.

can anyone let me know how it works out with their kids please. Let me get some perspective? AIBU for wantimg
to help?

It’s very obvious that he’s not her dad. How cruel. I’m guessing he doesn’t need any help with anything….? Genius at everything.

you are right for the avoidance of doubt

GAJLY · 29/08/2025 07:58

I didn't get any help past 18. But I'd be inclined to help while she's at university. When she gets a job I'd stop helping financially.

lunar1 · 29/08/2025 08:02

Adults are allowed to need help, I had long moved out at 23 and has been a nurse for a few years at that point. It doesn’t mean I’d have had a clue how to avoid getting ripped off at the garage.

tell the shitty step parent to fuck off, if money was really tight he may have a point, but the cunt doesn’t even want you helping guide her, showing his colours right there and they are all red flags.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 29/08/2025 08:03

I think we had figured out this is a step father.

'She is great at helping me with her siblings.' are these his children ?

Is the car still new enough to go to a dealership that will look at the brakes, or is it older in which case she takes the car to a high street tyres and brakes place.

She can always ask in advance how much is she looking at before she agrees to the repair, then it's the decision if she parks the car up until she can afford to use it again.

But you don't take chances with brakes...

Hollietree · 29/08/2025 08:04

As soon as I turned 18 and left home to go to university, my parents washed their hands of any attempt to parent me. To be fair their parenting wasn’t great 0-18 when I lived at home! But from 18 onwards I was completely on my own, in a new city far away.

I didn’t have anyone to turn to to ask advice, seek emotional support, or to turn to in a crisis. It was a very difficult and lonely time. Oh how I wished for a supportive parent to turn to.

You sound lovely @iamamickey and your daughter is very lucky to have you. Ignore your husband and continue to support your daughter however you think best.

Namechangerage · 29/08/2025 08:08

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:35

Husband is her step father. Their relationship is a bit strained at the moment. She’s moved back home as uni residential prices have gone through the roof here. So we helped her buy the car and paid for insurance. He feels she doesn’t do enough in the house but he doesn’t see what she does do. She’s not great at doing housework but will do it no problem if asked. She is great at helping me with her siblings. She’s a good support to me.

He feels she should be paying for the brakes and organising the fix for herself. She hasn’t a clue where to begin and I know until her loan comes in she’s broke.

He’s a wanker. Don’t let him browbeat you!!! Bet he’d help if she was his bio kid.

Namechangerage · 29/08/2025 08:09

lunar1 · 29/08/2025 08:02

Adults are allowed to need help, I had long moved out at 23 and has been a nurse for a few years at that point. It doesn’t mean I’d have had a clue how to avoid getting ripped off at the garage.

tell the shitty step parent to fuck off, if money was really tight he may have a point, but the cunt doesn’t even want you helping guide her, showing his colours right there and they are all red flags.

👏👏👏👏

Notsuchafattynow · 29/08/2025 08:10

I guess he's entitled to his opinion (even if it is a shitty one).

But when did he become the boss of you?

Support your daughter, and tell your 'D'H that a woman's value is not measured by how much housework they do.

Aspanielstolemysanity · 29/08/2025 08:13

Namechangerage · 29/08/2025 08:08

He’s a wanker. Don’t let him browbeat you!!! Bet he’d help if she was his bio kid.

Show quote history

Err, surely it's her dad we should be mad at?

Why is her step dad expected to fund it rather than either of her biological parents? (Because if op had the means presumably she wouldn't have needed to consult with him)

IsItSnowing · 29/08/2025 08:15

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:35

Husband is her step father. Their relationship is a bit strained at the moment. She’s moved back home as uni residential prices have gone through the roof here. So we helped her buy the car and paid for insurance. He feels she doesn’t do enough in the house but he doesn’t see what she does do. She’s not great at doing housework but will do it no problem if asked. She is great at helping me with her siblings. She’s a good support to me.

He feels she should be paying for the brakes and organising the fix for herself. She hasn’t a clue where to begin and I know until her loan comes in she’s broke.

Well that explains a lot. He's being unreasonable and tight.
Stand up for your dd.

MummaMummaMumma · 29/08/2025 08:16

I think you always help where you can, whatever age. Money wise also, as she's skint at uni.
But, helping doesn't mean DOING it for her. Of she has "no idea" how to arrange a garage appointment you need to guide her, not actually do it for her. She should be able to sort things herself by that age, even if she can't afford to pay.

jobey28 · 29/08/2025 08:19

At this moment in time I would 100% be sorting the car even if just from a safety point of view. I wouldn't want one of my daughters driving round with faulty brakes.
Going forward though, I'd be advising some changes. I have a daughter at uni, same age, same situation. She also has an 8 hour a week job but picks up lots of overtime around uni. She paid for her own driving lessons and car (it is an old one). She pays for everything herself, mot, servicing and repairs. I got her to set up a savings account for when something happens to the car because something will as its an old car!
She's also got a LISA set up and is saving for a house in the future.
I think we, as parents, need to encourage our kids the importance of saving money. She has a blow out shopping now and again as she works very hard and deserves it tbh but she has some impressive savings now. They need to realise that they can't always rely on bank of mom and dad and will need to stand on their own two feet.

sashh · 29/08/2025 08:21

It's the brakes. Of course you help. Whether you pay for it or you lend her the money she needs a car that works.

Devonmaid1844 · 29/08/2025 08:22

Sorry going against the grain here. I work with graduates and they're so incapable these days of doing really basic things. She needs to be sorting this out, getting a price, reviewing her budget and then asking for support for a certain amount.

She's 23 give her some agency, at what point do you think she'll be able to manage on her own?

Namechangerage · 29/08/2025 08:23

Aspanielstolemysanity · 29/08/2025 08:13

Err, surely it's her dad we should be mad at?

Why is her step dad expected to fund it rather than either of her biological parents? (Because if op had the means presumably she wouldn't have needed to consult with him)

Show quote history

That’s the whole point, OP shouldn’t have to consult with him. Even if she isn’t working due to parenting his children, it’s family money. OP’s DD is part of the family. If OP wants to support her DD, why does she need his permission?

We don’t know where her real dad is do we, but doesn’t look like he is around. But he’s a separate issue, doesn’t excuse stepdad’s behaviour.

DorothyStorm · 29/08/2025 08:28

My dad would not have even thought abiut not sorting it for me. Brakes a problem on in his daughters car? Of course that would have been a priority.

Husband is her step father This was obvious.

He feels she doesn’t do enough in the house but he doesn’t see what she does do She is doing a full time university course and working on top. Plus she helps you out with her siblings and when you ask her. Im curious how much housework your husband does without being asked? And if you have children in common? How much housework do the other children do?

DorothyStorm · 29/08/2025 08:29

Namechangerage · 29/08/2025 08:23

That’s the whole point, OP shouldn’t have to consult with him. Even if she isn’t working due to parenting his children, it’s family money. OP’s DD is part of the family. If OP wants to support her DD, why does she need his permission?

We don’t know where her real dad is do we, but doesn’t look like he is around. But he’s a separate issue, doesn’t excuse stepdad’s behaviour.

Show quote history

This.

Overtop · 29/08/2025 08:32

namechangetheworld · 29/08/2025 07:49

Your 'D'H is a dick. My DF would help me in this situation, and I'm 40!

But why do you need 'helping out'? Are you not capable? What's hard about calling a garage / managing your finances yourself?

What other things do your parents have to do for you in your 40s? This is hardly something to boast about.

Casperroonie · 29/08/2025 08:37

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:03

I have a daughter age 23. She is in final year University. She has a car which she needs to help her when she is on placement. She has a part time job in hospitality but is only about 8 hours per week and she gets basic loan from uni funding.

The car has developed a fault. Probably something to do with breaks need changed. Husband is adamant we don’t pay for Any of it and thinks I shouldn’t even organise to have it looked at. He thinks I should at most tell her where to go and let her do the rest. He said this is Real world stuff and I need to stop
babysitting her.

I think she will get ripped off if she goes alone. I feel like I might need to hep
out with the price too.

can anyone let me know how it works out with their kids please. Let me get some perspective? AIBU for wantimg
to help?

I'm sorry but he's sounds like a right d**k. My husband would bend over backwards to help our daughters fix their car (or mine) and he'd even offer to pay for it.

He sounds a bit cruel. It's safety after all and he should be more caring.

Katebridgerton25 · 29/08/2025 08:38

At a petrol station, my dad encountered a young lady in tears because she had tried to put air in her tyres and inadvertently let it out of one of them. She had no idea about tyre pressure either. He helped her, showed her how to check what tyre pressure she needed, checked the oil and showed her how to, checked the coolant and screen cleaner fluid.

I was 13 at the time sat in the car waiting for him, he said it could have been his daughter and he hoped if I needed help someone would.

real dad behaviour 👆How do we learn if someone doesn’t help get us started?

my husband would do the same as my dad and I know that. You can let her grow her independence and learn but you can also help get her started in new territory like in this instance finding a reputable garage.

Casperroonie · 29/08/2025 08:40

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:35

Husband is her step father. Their relationship is a bit strained at the moment. She’s moved back home as uni residential prices have gone through the roof here. So we helped her buy the car and paid for insurance. He feels she doesn’t do enough in the house but he doesn’t see what she does do. She’s not great at doing housework but will do it no problem if asked. She is great at helping me with her siblings. She’s a good support to me.

He feels she should be paying for the brakes and organising the fix for herself. She hasn’t a clue where to begin and I know until her loan comes in she’s broke.

Well that was a bit of a drip feed.

Is her real dad around to help her? Poor girl.

awaynboilyurheid · 29/08/2025 08:46

Well no need to figure it out anymore,your husband is wrong
As my very wise dad used to say you are always the parent and they will always be your children ( no matter what age help them out ) , help her out fgs she’s doing a uni course and working what more does he want? he sounds a real grump stand your ground for your daughter.

Pam100127 · 29/08/2025 08:52

You don’t stop being a parent once your child reaches adulthood.
Being a help and support to your child, is what kind people do.
Her stepfather (your husband) sounds petty and resentful.
We have two adult children and do what we can, even stepping in financially, to help our children, to keep them safe, and to navigate them through the hurdles of life.
Perhaps your husband didn’t receive help growing up and that has made him into the mean spirited person he now is.
If you can afford to financially, offer her the money, or at the very least, a loan. Certainly, go with her to get it repaired so that she is safe on the road.

KmcK87 · 29/08/2025 08:58

Ally886 · 29/08/2025 07:50

I think he should go with her and nothing more. You've clearly not equipped her with the adequate learnings that arranging an appointment is totally out the question. If she's short on the money, of course help her out too as working brakes are important.

I'll always help my children but only after they have exhausted their own ability and are basically at the end of their tether.

I was on my 4th car at 23, had a mortgage and I don't think my parents needed to offer advice after the age of 20 because by then they had equipped me to be a functioning adult

Nail on the head here! Quite surprised at the number of parents who are still holding their adult children’s hands! Part of being a decent parent is letting your children deal with some uncomfortable stuff in life. Doing them no favours by doing everything for them to make their life easier.

Of course help her with the cost if able to, but I’m reading it that SD is expecting her to at least reach out to some garages and not leave everything to him and mum. I’m assuming there’s been alot of that over the years for him to have got to this stage.

Of course mn loves to villainise a step parent though .