I can’t figure out who is right here.

[iamamickey]

I have a daughter age 23. She is in final year University. She has a car which she needs to help her when she is on placement. She has a part time job in hospitality but is only about 8 hours per week and she gets basic loan from uni funding.

The car has developed a fault. Probably something to do with breaks need changed. Husband is adamant we don’t pay for Any of it and thinks I shouldn’t even organise to have it looked at. He thinks I should at most tell her where to go and let her do the rest. He said this is Real world stuff and I need to stop
babysitting her.

I think she will get ripped off if she goes alone. I feel like I might need to hep
out with the price too.

can anyone let me know how it works out with their kids please. Let me get some perspective? AIBU for wantimg
to help?

Of course you should be helping her she is only 23 years old. As a step father I suppose it is very different. But as her mum please step in and help her she sounds responsible , hard working and needs her mum. No matter her age she will always need you.

If you don’t help her find someone or a garage to repair her car it’s all most certain your daughter will be taken advantage of. The money issue idk if there isn’t some backstory where she really did something horribly wrong concerning money, if you can afford it why not help ? Your daughter will have many occasions to become immersed in the real world.

I agree with this.
I still need my mum and I’m double your daughter’s age.
Help and support her.

Absolutely agree with Balloonhearts. Our daughter gets the minimum student loan because we are both earning reasonably well so of course we help her out with her car and topping up her loan. She had a nightmare getting to placement when she had an issue with the car so I feel for your daughter as it's no fun worrying about getting there. It's surprising that your husband doesn't want her to be safe and secure to be honest.

I have sympathy for both points of view.

I think the answer is somewhere in between. This is the first time she has encountered this situation, so it’s a transitional learning opportunity. She can lead on it, but you can support her, so that next time she has to do something similar she’s better equipped to do so.

It sounds like he doesn’t like her and his resentment is seeping out over the car issue.

If you are her real world parents, willing and able to help, why the hell wouldn't you! That's love in action- being there when they need you

Parents guide their children, therefore, if she needs help, why wouldn't she ask her parents? Imagine how awful it would be if you can't go to your parents if needed.
As for paying, that's up to you, but if you can, I'm sure she'd be most grateful.
DH is being cold and stern

Also presumably you and your friends have many more years driving experience than her and her friends, and more experience of garages. Surely someone can recommend a good local garage. Or use Google and forums to investigate the issue yourselves to see if it could be fixed yourselves easily, or at least give you some idea of what might be going on before going to a garage.

At 23, I still had loads of practical and financial help (I was still studying too) from my parents. Not only am I not an incompetent adult, but quite the opposite. Their support helped me become a responsible and very succesful adult, smoothed my way into having to figure it out on my own, and I am forever grateful.

You're still her mum. You know how stressful and expensive this car stuff is. I would 100% help her out.

Who can we go to, if not our parents?

I'm 37 and I still ask my parents for their opinion on some stuff. Especially big stuff. And they ask me for advice too!!! All the time.

We're not meant to be alone in this world, young or old.

why would you not help?? I don’t get this attitude at all, it baffles me. A decent human being will help out a friend or family member in a tight spot if they are able to do why do we feel we shouldn’t do this for our adult kids? They have to learn! Learn what that they can rely on their own mum and dad? Utter nonsense.

The very fact he is her stepfather and acting like this is mad. Choose your child not your partner and do what you think is right (organising & paying for the breaks!)

she is only 23 years old

She's a fully grown adult.

MN is a very odd place. On most threads involving actual children there's a general disdain for anyone seen to be 'babying' their literal infants - 'why isn't your child potty trained at 1, doing their own washing at 4, putting themselves to bed at 6' etc - but when they become late teens / early 20s it seems they shouldn't be expected to do anything for themselves.

Is it because they're nearly out the door and there's a nostalgic drive to hold on to them just a little bit longer?

I would - and do - help my kids as much as I financially can. But saying that, I would expect them to work more than 8 hours per week. So if her current hospitality job is not paying what she needs I would expect her to look for something else. Mind you, if I had pots of money I would probably spoil them rotten!!

@LilacReader she is studying full time. She needs to focus on that. Working 8 hours a week on top of that is more than enough.

My university didn't allow to us to work at all during term time.

It very much depends on how you parent your kids. Everyone is different but in my opinion 23 is still young and it's quite normal that she would want her mum's help and advice. My kids are my life, my oldest is 21 and if he needs my help I am there for him, no matter how old he is. But as I said everyone parents differently.

I actually had no idea some Universities didn't allow this.

What I was saying though I stand by. I know I personally could not help my children with much if they decided on Uni so if she needs more then she needs to work more. But as I also stated, if money was no object then I would happily give everything I could.

OP hasn't suggested not giving advice.

She said her husband said they should tell her where to go to get it fixed and then let her go and get it sorted herself.

Anyone would think 23yo women are completely helpless going by this thread.

Do you never go with your parents to get stuff? My mum has just asked me to go help her choose a sofa as she wants a second opinion. Should I tell her she is 60 and to stop acting like a helpless woman?

I don't know what kind of families some people are from, but in my family we go with each other ocasionally to help each other out. And I definitely got lots of help and advice from my dad with car stuff when I first got my car.

If you can't help, fine. But if you can, if you have the time and the money, why not help? Just to make a point?

@AllyCart

Actually the op said ' He thinks I should at most tell her where to go ' not ' her husband said they should tell her where to go to get it fixed '