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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t figure out who is right here.

321 replies

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:03

I have a daughter age 23. She is in final year University. She has a car which she needs to help her when she is on placement. She has a part time job in hospitality but is only about 8 hours per week and she gets basic loan from uni funding.

The car has developed a fault. Probably something to do with breaks need changed. Husband is adamant we don’t pay for Any of it and thinks I shouldn’t even organise to have it looked at. He thinks I should at most tell her where to go and let her do the rest. He said this is Real world stuff and I need to stop
babysitting her.

I think she will get ripped off if she goes alone. I feel like I might need to hep
out with the price too.

can anyone let me know how it works out with their kids please. Let me get some perspective? AIBU for wantimg
to help?

OP posts:
AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 29/08/2025 10:52

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:35

Husband is her step father. Their relationship is a bit strained at the moment. She’s moved back home as uni residential prices have gone through the roof here. So we helped her buy the car and paid for insurance. He feels she doesn’t do enough in the house but he doesn’t see what she does do. She’s not great at doing housework but will do it no problem if asked. She is great at helping me with her siblings. She’s a good support to me.

He feels she should be paying for the brakes and organising the fix for herself. She hasn’t a clue where to begin and I know until her loan comes in she’s broke.

Help your daughter. If you can, please help your daughter.

Your husband is being a dick.

bangalanguk · 29/08/2025 10:58

She is still studying and needs her car for her placement. If you can afford to, of course you should help, both practically and financially. She is working but her studies limit how much she can earn. The student loan is based on parent's income anyway so an expectation you should support but also a parental duty to help her out. You are right, he is wrong.

xNotTodayHunx · 29/08/2025 11:12

Goldenboysmum · 28/08/2025 16:17

I'd always help my child regardless of age if they needed it and I was able to.

I was 59 when my dad died, and he was always trying to to slip me an odd £20, just in case I needed it (I didnt but you never stop being a parent) 😅

This with bells on.

I actually cannot comprehend how people just switch off from being a parent when their children are adults.

Op I'd recommend a garage to her and if she is limited financially, perhaps lend her the money to pay for it. Unfortunately cars cost to run so she needs to keep this in mind but of her loans are restricted due to household income this is something else to consider.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/08/2025 11:14

I know until her loan comes in she’s broke

Out of interest, if she's living at home (and presumably not contributing financially because she's not earning F/T yet) and you're already paying for the car and insurance, why is she "broke"? Does she do any part time work to help fund herself, for example, or does that all come from you too?

I'd certainly support her in getting this sorted in terms of where to go and even going with her, but whether I'd actually pay for it would depend on the above

Costcogroupie · 29/08/2025 11:18

I'm in my 60s and always appreciate a kindly helping hand with something like this ie something I don't have much experience of. Even if it's just a conversation with someone to ask how they went about it so I know where to start.

You don't have to do it for her, but you could help by explaining how she can go about organising it, avoid branded garages ie use a local place, suggest she gets a couple of quotes, possibly review and discuss the quotes with her.

What's with the tough love from your husband (is he her father?).

Leaningtowerofpisa · 29/08/2025 11:44

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 29/08/2025 06:46

Interesting to all the different replies here. I think as with anything there is probably a middle ground.

Firstly before she bought the car - was there any consideration about what would happen should something like this happen and who would be responsible if it did happen- I know it doesn’t help the situation now but a plan should have been put in place as a car unexpectedly having a fault isn’t a rare occurrence. I did a 6 year course that included placements and didn’t get a car because I couldn’t afford it and precisely for this reason I had to use a combination of lifts from other people on the course, public transport and sometimes jd to stay on the hosptial accomodation site for weeks on end. However I did not live at home so paid a lot of money for accomodation so it’s probably swings and roundabouts. If the car was purchased for her (I assume by you both)knowing it was the only way for her to complete her degree and you didn’t tell her before that she needed to save some money aside in case shit happens then I would say that nobody here has thought about “real life stuff” and unfair to expect a 23 year old to sort it all now.

Does she get any maintenance loan? It’s been a while since I was at uni so may be outdated but if she gets a maintenance loan and is living at home rent free or very much reduced rent then she should be able to save some money to pay back some of the expenses. I think financially if you can help her the question is do you want to - no one can make that decision but you - if you do want to and you have your own finances then why the hell not - but I think from a learning experience it is better if it’s a contribution rather than paying for the whole thing - even if she pays something nominal towards it.

I agree with your DH in terms of giving her some ownership / independence and empowerment. As others have said - she should research garages/ get quotes etc but I don’t think unreasonable for someone to go with her - they may see her coming a mile away - I’m 36 and likely to be scammed now 🤣

As many others have said - I’m a grown woman and still ask my parents for advice now - I’m glad I have that relationship with them and would want my daughter to do so- I never expect any money from them and if anything I help them financially a lot now - however they supported me a lot throughout my long studies and I am appreciative of that.

I hope the SD thing is just a red herring. Even if he was a bio dad it can be difficult to live with adult children especially if you feel like they’re not pulling their weight. Sounds like you all need to communicate better in terms of what expectations are of your daughter and what is realistic given she is studying on placement and has a job. Your DH may need to accept that until she finishes her studies she may not be able to do it all! That’s a seperate conversation and shouldn’t be the deciding factor on whether or not your daughter has brakes in her car

good luck and let us know how it goes!

Very balanced and sensible reply taking the nuance of this situation
If only more people in the world could adopt this thinking style instead of so black and white!

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 29/08/2025 12:02

Katebridgerton25 · 29/08/2025 08:38

At a petrol station, my dad encountered a young lady in tears because she had tried to put air in her tyres and inadvertently let it out of one of them. She had no idea about tyre pressure either. He helped her, showed her how to check what tyre pressure she needed, checked the oil and showed her how to, checked the coolant and screen cleaner fluid.

I was 13 at the time sat in the car waiting for him, he said it could have been his daughter and he hoped if I needed help someone would.

real dad behaviour 👆How do we learn if someone doesn’t help get us started?

my husband would do the same as my dad and I know that. You can let her grow her independence and learn but you can also help get her started in new territory like in this instance finding a reputable garage.

I got a flat when out at night with my then 8 year old daughter.

Great opportunity for her to learn how to do it. She needed a bit of help with getting the wheel nuts out and no checked they were tight but otherwise she did it herself. Also made sure we stopped again 39 miles later to check the nuts were still tight. Easy.

I’m not a dad, but I have a responsibility to prepare DD for life. Kids shouldn’t be passing driving tests without knowing how to do basic maintenance on their cars. It’s not hard and it’s pretty lazy parenting to support them learning to drive and not everything else that goes with responsible car ownership!

SecretNameAsImShy · 29/08/2025 12:11

My DS is 21 and at Uni. He lives at home and he has a car which he put down a substantial deposit and we provided a loan for the balance and he pays a set amount each month in repayment. He works 12 hours a week (sometimes more if there is overtime going) and receives the maintenance grant. He does not pay rent. He works at Tesco and has given us his second discount Clubcard. We look at this as him contributing to the home rather than rent. I also frequently ask him to pick up a few items from work and we do not repay him for these items. It's usually just bread/milk etc.

However, when it comes to his car, he pays for the insurance, the repairs and the MOT. We do not help him at all with this. He has ample money coming in and his outgoings are minimal so we feel it is only fair that he pays for these items. However, I do think that she should be given some guidance on where to get the repairs done and also some basic car maintenance checks.

I'm with your H on this one. It's the summer break so she should have been working full time and should have sufficient funds to pay for the repairs. Does she pay you rent?

MyGreyStork · 29/08/2025 13:03

ThatMiddleClassFood · 29/08/2025 07:37

It's so hard being on a course with a placement. You work a 40 hour week and have coursework to complete about your placement and may even have to do your dissertation at the same time, it honestly feels like there's not enough hours when your on placement I was getting up at 4am to get a few hours of course work in before I went to placement. Anymore than minimal hours and the poor girl would burn out.

Show quote history

I did a healthcare uni course with kids and job. It can be done. Thousands of students work more 8 hours. This is laziness.

Overtop · 29/08/2025 13:22

Good grief. What is people's deal with step parents?

If you want to marry someone and share everything with them and expect them to be part of the family but actively and foot-stampingly exclude them from having a say in anything you don't like (they're MY child I get my way YOU are irrelevant etc etc) then don't get bloody remarried.

KaitlynnFairchild · 29/08/2025 13:33

My husband tries to give me his opinion on how much money I give to my uni aged son, he gets told to butt out. It's my money that I earn and I will never not help my kids.

Of course you help your daughter if you can. I wouldn't even discuss this I would just sort it with my daughter.

KmcK87 · 29/08/2025 13:34

That’s a fair point OP, has she been on placement over summer? Or has she been off and only working 8 hours a week still?

Paganpentacle · 29/08/2025 13:36

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:35

Husband is her step father. Their relationship is a bit strained at the moment. She’s moved back home as uni residential prices have gone through the roof here. So we helped her buy the car and paid for insurance. He feels she doesn’t do enough in the house but he doesn’t see what she does do. She’s not great at doing housework but will do it no problem if asked. She is great at helping me with her siblings. She’s a good support to me.

He feels she should be paying for the brakes and organising the fix for herself. She hasn’t a clue where to begin and I know until her loan comes in she’s broke.

Tell him to fuck right off and keep going.
She's YOUR daughter.
Sort the car and pay for it.

Deathinvegas · 29/08/2025 13:42

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:03

I have a daughter age 23. She is in final year University. She has a car which she needs to help her when she is on placement. She has a part time job in hospitality but is only about 8 hours per week and she gets basic loan from uni funding.

The car has developed a fault. Probably something to do with breaks need changed. Husband is adamant we don’t pay for Any of it and thinks I shouldn’t even organise to have it looked at. He thinks I should at most tell her where to go and let her do the rest. He said this is Real world stuff and I need to stop
babysitting her.

I think she will get ripped off if she goes alone. I feel like I might need to hep
out with the price too.

can anyone let me know how it works out with their kids please. Let me get some perspective? AIBU for wantimg
to help?

I think compromise do it together so she knows what to do it in future.

Deathinvegas · 29/08/2025 13:46

Piffle11 · 28/08/2025 16:41

Oh okay, you’re in a bit of a tricky situation here, aren’t you? Stuck in the middle. Regardless of whether or not she’s not ‘pulling her weight’, I think when it comes to things like this - an important safety concern - I would definitely want to make sure that my child was getting the correct advice/work done.It’s not to say that you and your DH will pay for everything, but it’ll be nice if somebody went with her to support her and steer her in the right direction.

I think financially, she needs to look for more hours: I was working over 10 hours a week in my part-time job after doing 9 to 4 Monday to Friday at college at 16 years old.

So, 2 hours more than the OPs DD who is also at uni, doing placements and supporting OP with her younger siblings.

Weald56 · 29/08/2025 18:12

So it's your child - not your husband's - I don't see the issue: if you want to help (esp. on a matter that is safety related) you should do so, especially as to where/how to get it fixed, and ensuring she isn;t ripped off. (Tell your DH it's a "learning opportunity" for your daughter).

Sharptonguedwoman · 29/08/2025 18:57

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:35

Husband is her step father. Their relationship is a bit strained at the moment. She’s moved back home as uni residential prices have gone through the roof here. So we helped her buy the car and paid for insurance. He feels she doesn’t do enough in the house but he doesn’t see what she does do. She’s not great at doing housework but will do it no problem if asked. She is great at helping me with her siblings. She’s a good support to me.

He feels she should be paying for the brakes and organising the fix for herself. She hasn’t a clue where to begin and I know until her loan comes in she’s broke.

Do us a joy, isn’t he? Show your DD what to do, what garage to use, maybe give her a loan she can pay you back?

Harry12345 · 29/08/2025 22:17

MyGreyStork · 29/08/2025 13:03

I did a healthcare uni course with kids and job. It can be done. Thousands of students work more 8 hours. This is laziness.

Show quote history

Again not everyone is the same and super woman! Doing 40 placement, uni work and a shift at the weekend is a lot for most.

MyGreyStork · 29/08/2025 22:39

Harry12345 · 29/08/2025 22:17

Again not everyone is the same and super woman! Doing 40 placement, uni work and a shift at the weekend is a lot for most.

Show quote history

For a 23 year old it should be a breeze. It’s also the summer holidays and resubmission time so why is the daughter still only working 8 hours when uni has finished for the summer?

ErinBell01 · 30/08/2025 00:36

I think it's perfectly reasonable to help your DC in these circumstances! She sounds as if she is being responsible and she just needs some parental help. I can't understand your DH's attitude, it sounds almost negligent.

changeme4this · 30/08/2025 00:55

Do you not have a local mechanic where you take your vehicles to be serviced ?

Ivy888 · 30/08/2025 08:04

Your husband is a massive twat. What is his problem? He sounds like a jealous kid. He needs to give his head a wobble and understand that she is your daughter and she is still studying.
He cannot stop you from physically helping your daughter find a garage.
If you have a joint account he does have a say over how money is spent, but if you don’t have a joint account and you know you can afford to help her without it affecting your portion of the family’s bills, then he has zero say over that. You could spend your money on a spa weekend for yourself or your daughter’s car. Your own money is none of his business.

IamMoodyBlue · 30/08/2025 18:37

She's an adult. Her problem, her responsibility.
I was taught to and expected to, stand on my own two feet.
How times have changed!

alanet · 30/08/2025 19:09

Can't make a decision without knowing whether you give her money to make up the loan shortfall or not. It's implied that the parental contribution should make up the difference between the full loan and the received loan. How much does the stepfather do around the house?

Jorge14 · 30/08/2025 19:12

I would help her, she sounds like she’s doing everything right and deserves it. Different if she was laying about all day doing nothing.

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