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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t figure out who is right here.

321 replies

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:03

I have a daughter age 23. She is in final year University. She has a car which she needs to help her when she is on placement. She has a part time job in hospitality but is only about 8 hours per week and she gets basic loan from uni funding.

The car has developed a fault. Probably something to do with breaks need changed. Husband is adamant we don’t pay for Any of it and thinks I shouldn’t even organise to have it looked at. He thinks I should at most tell her where to go and let her do the rest. He said this is Real world stuff and I need to stop
babysitting her.

I think she will get ripped off if she goes alone. I feel like I might need to hep
out with the price too.

can anyone let me know how it works out with their kids please. Let me get some perspective? AIBU for wantimg
to help?

OP posts:
Overtop · 29/08/2025 01:08

Creamteasandbumblebees · 28/08/2025 22:48

I read somewhere that at age 20, you are only a 2 year old adult, meaning that young people in their early 20's are young adults, of course they still need help and guidance, how ever will they learn to be independent adults if they aren't taught?
If you can help financially then do, if you can help practically then do, why on earth wouldnt you help and support your own child?

how ever will they learn to be independent adults if they aren't taught?

Surely that teaching should have been happening their whole childhood, not just when they reach 18.

You should be raising adults, not children.

99bottlesofkombucha · 29/08/2025 01:11

I would say to him very clearly is this your last view on the situation? Because if you take a different attitude with the other children I will divorce you. Once we just have the younger ones home they will have to be doing more housework to contribute as much as <dd> does the way she helps with them. Will you be making sure the chore chart is completed, and refusing to help them financially when they get a sudden large cost like a car breakdown?

Ruth58d · 29/08/2025 01:27

I think some of the comments here have been harsh to the husband. Being a stepparent is HARD. It requires years of sacrifice with very little thanks or reward. Bio parents don't always agree on parenting strategies yet the husband is being labelled as an AH and should be divorced immediately for having a different view. He DOES get to have a say. She is living in his home and being supported by him. There is obviously a lot more to this. There needs to be compromise and communication from all sides.

Maybe he simply believes you shouldn't own a car until you can afford to run one? I caught a bus and then walked for an hour each way to travel to my uni placement. It didn't do me any harm.

user1492757084 · 29/08/2025 01:43

Your daughter is 23 and it will be an essential lesson for her to manage and arrange the fixing of her car.
She could ask you and SD or the business that sold her the car which motor mechanics she should approach.
DD23 is old enough to book an appointment; she has a phone.
She needs to handle the repairs. She can ask you for a loan if she is short of cash to pay.
DD23 also needs to help out routinely around the house in a way that is visible to SD.
Their relationship needs improving and it's fair that DD does agreed chores even if it means that you ask DH to help out more with younger children.

Pastaandoranges · 29/08/2025 02:39

My parents can and still help mr qnd my siblings in middl3 age if asked.
Howeverz this approach jas not worked out well fot enabling self sufficiency for some siblngs.
I would help a bit but at arms length to give her the experience of sorting the car out herself.

MyGreyStork · 29/08/2025 02:56

Harry12345 · 29/08/2025 00:43

And when do you think she gets to study and rest whilst doing a full time placement. Not everyone has boundless energy even at 23!

Show quote history

I did it with kids and tens of thousands of other student do it. It’s lazy.

SheSaidHummingbird · 29/08/2025 02:59

The 'real world' lesson for her in this instance is that some men are tightwad, ungenerous pricks.

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 29/08/2025 03:02

CloseThatDoor · 28/08/2025 16:05

Of course you should help her if you can!

She's studying, she's working, doing what she can - surely family is there to help?!

Agreed.

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 29/08/2025 03:03

Agernonthingy · 28/08/2025 16:06

Of course I would help, given this scenario. Her father is a knob.

I agree even more with this one!

Confusdworriedmum · 29/08/2025 03:13

Twistedfirestarters · 28/08/2025 16:14

I think I'd try and resist the urge to sweep in and fix the whole problem for her, he's right this is stuff she needs to learn how to do herself. I'd offer advice on finding a reputable garage but let her organise getting it there (unless she's really struggling to find the time). I'd then let her tell me how much it is and offer to help with costs if she needed it. There is something in between leaving her completely alone with this problem and taking full ownership of it.

This is the best solution. At 23:she should be capable of arranging where and when to take the car, I don't really see why you should organise that. I would pay for it though.
So I think you are both partly right.

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/08/2025 03:14

I'd support her in sorting it out - go with her, advise who you'd call, help her pay for it.

I wouldn't swoop in and do the entire thing for her without her input at all, thats not how you learn to sort things for yourself.

You should probably have a word with her about doing household stuff without waiting for someone to point it out and ask for it to be done... that might help her a lot in future (and it is a skill you learn for some of us!) and go some way to not pissing off a person she lives with too.

If her course is one where working more hours isn't really practical, she should make more of an obvious effort around the house - that said, she is your kid and if you're happy she's pulling her weight and you want to help her... who gives a fuck what her step dad thinks?

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/08/2025 03:55

It saddens me that, although you clearly CAN see who is right here, you need our back up to support your daughter against your resentful and uncaring husband.

He is not her step father as "father" implies a level of love and care, neither of which shows to her, to the point where he expects you to put his wishes above her needs.

I rather suspect that there is more to this than just his attitude towards your dd, including his attitude towards you and (guessing) his own (or your shared) child/ren.

LBFseBrom · 29/08/2025 03:56

hattie43 · 28/08/2025 16:11

What a rotten father , tell her where to go , really !!! Most dads want their daughter safe in a reliable car . She is doing everything right , at Uni , supplementing her income with part time work . Yes I do think you pay for the repairs.

Edited

I agree and wouldn't think twice about it, neither would have my late husband, but I do realise it depends on your financial situation. Not everyone can afford to support their adult children financially. I hope you can because she needs the car and will be shouldering financial responsibilities soon enough.

MayaPinion · 29/08/2025 04:48

My job as a parent is to raise my kids to be fully functioning independent adults, so I think your DH is right that she should be able to take her car to the garage herself (go with her as a passenger the first time but she deals with the mechanics). My DD is a student with a car and I usually offer to go halves with her for any repairs and insurance. I top up her loan to the max and she works in a pub one night a week and a day at the weekend.

TheGreatWesternShrew · 29/08/2025 05:16

I’d help her. She’s not flown just yet.

BreakingBroken · 29/08/2025 05:44

Car breaks are a safety issue and it needs to be seen immediately.
Who pays? whoever has the money now.
Will she get ripped off? unlikely but recommend where you get work done, let her set up the appointment.
It’s fucking obvious he’s a step parent.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 29/08/2025 05:50

iamamickey · 28/08/2025 16:03

I have a daughter age 23. She is in final year University. She has a car which she needs to help her when she is on placement. She has a part time job in hospitality but is only about 8 hours per week and she gets basic loan from uni funding.

The car has developed a fault. Probably something to do with breaks need changed. Husband is adamant we don’t pay for Any of it and thinks I shouldn’t even organise to have it looked at. He thinks I should at most tell her where to go and let her do the rest. He said this is Real world stuff and I need to stop
babysitting her.

I think she will get ripped off if she goes alone. I feel like I might need to hep
out with the price too.

can anyone let me know how it works out with their kids please. Let me get some perspective? AIBU for wantimg
to help?

Your Oh is a knob!

This is EXACTLY the stunt my father played...

These are the car's BRAKES ffs...

Will it be real world if your daughter has an accident as either

She's gone to useless garage

Or is ripped off!!

It's well known that solo women are often ripped off in garages...

I mean... Why wouldn't you help her source and accompany her to a good reliable garage...

Or does you Oh want to make it as difficult as possible for your daughter to complete her degree/learn about her car??

Wallywobbles · 29/08/2025 05:59

My 20 yo has just brought her first car because she is dangerous and has written of 2 of our cars in very quick succession. I’m leaving her to it because she has to understand why we are pissed off and the utter shag factor of keeping a car on the road. Our insurance premium is now through the roof as well. Hopefully now it’s her money and shag factor she’ll stop being a dickbon the road.

Noodles1234 · 29/08/2025 06:09

Final year at Uni I imagine she is very stressed, I would help her sort it in fact I’d probably just do it all and yes I’d pay as sounds like she earns a pittance and I’m impressed she has a part time job in amongst her study.

just do what you know is right and to hell with DH, I mean if it was a wonky bumper but if faulty brakes I feel it a little more urgent.

Twiglets1 · 29/08/2025 06:09

It's because he's her stepdad not her biological Dad.

At 23 our daughter was also in full time education and we would definitely have paid for something as important as car brakes - an actual safety issue! - for our daughter if she couldn't afford it.

How do you even need to ask if he is being unreasonable? Think what an unloving message you are sending your daughter - that you don't care if she is driving around in a car where there is a problem with the brakes.

Doone22 · 29/08/2025 06:10

You don't need to go with her is what he's saying which is correct. If she is concerned she'll be ripped off try looking at the reviews. If she's still worried she can always phone you or your husband from garage with extra questions but I can assure you that most garages don't just go round ripping people off. And yes you can stop being a helicopter parent at 22.

PolkaDotPorridge · 29/08/2025 06:14

Imagine having parents like this. How sad. I wouldn’t dream of leaving any of my DC in this position. How are you not sure what to do?

KmcK87 · 29/08/2025 06:23

Is she doing a nursing course with a placement? She should be getting an nhs bursary?

Im with her stepfather and I would be the same with my own children. You’re already doing a hell of a lot for her and it’s not difficult to pitch in with chores without constantly being asked. I managed uni with 2 jobs and being a single mum running my own house.

damnedifyoudoandsoon · 29/08/2025 06:24

I my opinion as an employer of young people you are both right and both wrong.

She is 23. Help her becasus she's a help to you and because she's working hard and this is a stressful expense.

But, dont just do it all for her. Teach her amd make sure she knows the cost and logistics.

Too many parents are doing too much and it doesn't help it stunts development.

She sounds like a great young person and I would definitely pay if I could to take the stress away but I would also make sure she learns what to do next time, and knows the costs so she can be empowered to do it for herself when she needs fo in the future.

AzureFinch · 29/08/2025 06:34

So he wants her to checks notes drive a car with faulty brakes to prove a point? He can go F himself

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